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The Puppy-Oil Cannon

Written By : John Hawkins
January 1, 2012

In the Gulf War and Afghanistan, the US military spent an inordinate amount of money and effort dislodging enemy soldiers who took cover in caves and bunkers. Today the Pentagon unveiled a new siege breaking weapon designed to solve that problem; the ‘Puppy-Oil Cannon’. In response to a reporter’s question, General Tommy Franks explained how the ‘Puppy-Oil Cannon’ works.

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“Basically we dump bags of puppies we get from pounds across the US into a large vat of oil. They’re then sucked into a giant cannon that fires them at the enemy. Soon thereafter the oil starts to dry and become sticky and so what you end up with is a group of enemy soldiers covered with dead puppies.”

Cries of “Good God” and the sound of retching echoed across the press conference. A grinning Tommy Franks nodded his approval,

“If you guys are retching at the thought of it, imagine what the enemy soldiers will be doing,” said Franks. “Especially when they realize at least 1 out of every 5 puppies is alive,” Franks continued. “Have you ever noticed how disturbing a mewling puppy crying in pain is? Well imagine having one stuck to your back.”

Donald Rumsfeld then broke in, “We’ve also been doing some fascinating work with koala bears mixed in oil as well. We’ve found that more koala bears live through being fired into a bunker or cave and they also make this really eerie, high pitched wailing sound when they’re injured. Combine that with their tendency to frequently bite and defecate when frightened and they have the potential to be an effective addition to the arsenal of freedom.”

A horrified reporter asked, “How many puppies have been killed in the testing of this weapon so far?”

Rumsfeld replied, “Not that many. You see at first we tried baby seals but they tended to just explode upon contact with the ground so they were removed from the program. Then someone suggested that we try cats but I put a stop to that,” a frowning Rumsfeld said. “I have a cat myself and I just couldn’t imagine taking my Mr. Woogums, covering him in oil, and firing him at a terrorist.”

“Mr. Rumsfeld, isn’t this an unethical weapon for the US military to use,” asked another reporter?

“Unethical? Nonsense, this is war,” an angry Rumsfeld replied. “The Iraqis have their own version of this weapon in development right now and you know what it uses? Small Kurdish children coated with a specially bio-engineered version of anthrax that’s designed to be sticky. Have any of you ever had a small Kurdish child who’s infected with anthrax stuck to your chest, peeing all over you and crying for mommy in his devilish foreign tongue? I thought not,” Rumsfeld scoffed.

“This press conference is over,” Rumsfeld said. “Come on Tommy, let’s get away from these peaceniks and see how the baby deer tipped missiles are going.”

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