The Most Embarrassing Patton Story Ever

04 Oct, 2004 by John Hawkins

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So I hear a knock on the door and immediately my dog Patton is not happy.

You see, to Patton, if somebody makes a sudden move, it’s fight or flight time. If someone runs, that means they must have done something wrong and need to be pursued. And if he hears a knock at the door, it’s like a big neon sign saying “WATCH OUT PATTON, IT’S A POTENTIAL INVADER, POTENTIAL INVADER, POTENTIAL INVADER!”

So he’s jumping around, barking, excited and I open the door.

At the door was a neighbor, one I didn’t know very well, who was being quite nice. You see, when I had taken my keys out of my pocket to come in the door earlier, I had dropped two fives on my doorstep. She had noticed the fives and was knocking to see if they were mine.

Like I said, is that a nice woman or what?

So as I thank her for bringing me the money, Patton starts forcing his way past my leg. I tried to grab him, but no luck, he’s out the door going for this woman.

Quickly, I blurted out “Don’t worry, he doesn’t bite,” but as I was saying that, Patton jumps up and locks his front paws around her leg like he’s getting ready to start humping. Immediately, the woman starts stepping back with a mixture of horror, fear, and puzzlement in her eyes which Patton apparently didn’t care for. I could tell that he didn’t care for it, because he clamped on to her sweat pants and started pulling for all he was worth. I again reached for his collar while apologizing profusely, but he let go and ran about 10 ft. away.

Then this poor woman took the opportunity, without saying a word, to try to hustle her way up the steps before “Cujo Jr.” came back, but once Patton saw her trying to get away, he immediately turned around and took off up the steps after her.

He had almost caught back up to her when a loud “PATTON” from me stopped him in his tracks and sent him scurrying down the steps and out into the yard of the apartment complex, presumably looking for new victims, while my neighbor got away.

Now the problem was that Patton runs like lightning and doesn’t come when he’s called half the time, so I went back into the apartment, grabbed his leash, and prepared for thirty minutes of chasing him around the apartment complex.

However, before I could even get out the door, Patton runs back in, and looks at me like, “Was that the coolest thing you’ve ever seen in your life or what?”

What a bad dog….