DES MOINES, IA – In a moment of “sweet, poetic irony,” Steve Haskins, former acquaintance of AT&T pitchman Carrot-Top, refused to accept a collect call from the comedian earlier today.
Haskins, who befriended the grating, painfully unfunny man while attending Florida Atlantic University, received the call while preparing for a weekend getaway with his girlfriend. “I answer the phone and the pre-recorded AT&T lady’s voice says, ‘You have an AT&T collect call from,’ and then Carrot-D*ck’s voice says, ‘Your old buddy CT – like without the A-L-L-A and the second T!’ I was like, ‘No friggin’ way.’”
The financial success of Carrot-Top, whose commercials routinely ruin the moviegoing and TV viewing experience for millions of audience members, has been the catalyst for innumerable violent fantasies for Haskins, who thanklessly manages a Blockbuster store for $44,000 a year. “Thanks to that waste of plasma, I can’t go into a movie theater until I know the opening credits have started. As for TV, I only watch DVDs on it. If I were in a public place and I saw that f***ing tool onscreen again, there’s no telling what I’d do,” says Haskins.
In one of his many daydreams, Haskins shoves a shackled Carrot-Top into a swimming pool filled with fire ants, scorpions, killer bees, and black mambas. A giant pay phone (and potential rescue) is on a platform in the middle, scant millimeters out of his reach. On the off-chance he gets to it, says Haskins, the handset super-glues itself to his ear and shrieks “Dial down the center! Dial down the center!” at a thousand decibels, rupturing his eardrums. Haskins then offers a telescoping metal pole to him, only for the hapless Carrot-Top to discover the pole is coursing with a billion volts of electricity. He explodes, and Haskins dances like Gene Kelly in the ensuing shower of gore.
Other examples of Haskins’ revenge fantasies against the befreckled comedian involve such scenarios as his being slowly ground into sausage and fed to unsuspecting family members, and another whereby his entire body is forced into the change slot of an AT&T pay phone with some sort of industrial hydraulic press. The likelihood of such situations coming to pass, however, forced Haskins to be content with the small opportunity he was given.
“It crossed my mind that I should maybe accept the charges and finally say everything to that ‘tard I’ve wanted to say since college,” said Haskins. “But then it occurred to me that simply not accepting a collect call from him would be almost as satisfying as the other things I’ve wished for. So when the AT&T lady said, ‘Will you accept the charges?’ I just said, ‘No,’ like I was talking right to his face. The feeling was indescribable.”
Haskins has no explanation for why Carrot-Top called him at all, let alone collect, but suggested that his new catch phrase be changed to, “It’s free for you and cheap for them, unless it’s me calling and you tell me to go f**k myself. Then it’s free for both of us.”
If you enjoyed this satire by Cody James, you can read more of his work at Broken Newz.