Charlie Sheen Needs A Haircut


Among other things, but when reading the Posts story on him wanting to lend a voice to a Truther documentary, the first thing we could think of was that he really, desperately needs a trim. Its starting to look greasy and thats a sign that either he’s not successfully washing or he’s gone too long without a touch-up.

But anywhoo…it seems that overnight, this same man has gone from a playboy sitcom star whose most famous news analysis came when he was caught, repeatedly, with hookers and had to talk his way out of career ruin, has not only become an expert on civil engineering, but political strategy, steel structures, international terrorism and maybe even a little bit of an expert in film marketing. He’s going to narrate a mass-marketed version of Loose Change, a homemade conspiracy documentary about how a shadowy branch of the dastardly Bush Administration brought down the Trade Towers to legitimize their cause for war.

Sources say Sheen – whose father, Martin Sheen, has been arrested 63 times protesting on behalf of various leftist causes – is in talks with Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban’s Magnolia Pictures to distribute “Loose Change.” Sheen has called for a new independent probe of the attack, telling Alex Jones’ radio show: “It seems to me like 19 amateurs with box cutters taking over four commercial airliners and hitting 75 percent of their targets, that feels like a conspiracy theory. It raises a lot of questions.”

Sheen’s rep confirmed his participation. Cuban e-mailed us: “We are having discussions about distributing the existing video with Charlie’s involvement as a narrator, not in making a new feature…”

They’re also soliciting arguments from the “other side,” but since we’re all a bunch of Kool-Aid drinking robots, we assume that our potential feature would not only not possess the intellectual content of Loose Change, which nearly rivaled Jesus Camp in the race for most accurate portrayal of something associated with conservatives in 2006, but wouldn’t receive the kind of preferential marketing that the poorly made present-day Zapruder film would require (honestly, we can’t understand why, of 9/11 Truther films, even it was chosen–wasn’t that Democratic Underground filmstrip about bunny cages and a bunsen burner just that much more effective?). Not to mention, reducing our arguments against international terrorism into a fifteen minute video would be hard. Our political theory isn’t quite as simple as Charlie’s. Maybe because, not being Hollywood artists ourselves, we can’t quite comprehend the massive, interwoven series of subversive government organizations.

It would be a waste of finger strength to explain to Charlie the training process, the intergovernmental and international terrorist organization, the man hours and money that was poured into the September 11th attacks by groups of people who view victims as the language of war, and as such, as legitimate targets. Charlie doesn’t believe it, and we think, after a couple of weeks listening to Rosie ramble on, that the disbelief isn’t based in any kind of articulable reasoning, but rather, its an ex post facto rationalization–if Bush is really evil, the true premise from which all liberal logic must flow, then Bush must be worse than the terrorists. But if the terrorists killed three thousand innocent people in a matter of three hours, how could Bush possibly be worse? Easy. Either Bush is responsible for the slaughter of just that many people (easy to calculate and so hard to substantiate), or Bush himself was the one behind the deaths of the three thousand people, thereby acquitting those poor radical Muslims of their dirty, dirty deeds. In order to effectively maintain a hold on the Bush is the Worst Kind of Terrorist line, you have to diminish the other kinds of terrorists–the real kinds. The kinds that would bury Rosie O’Donnell up to her neck and throw rocks at her head for calling another woman her wife. The kind who would probably have hunted down Charlie for adultery long ago. The kind that really don’t have a lot of problems with killing children, or mothers, or fathers or people who have never donned a uniform. Its easy to make Bush worse than them, if they never committed the crimes in the first place.

E. M. spreads vicious political gossip daily at The American Princess

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