A Headline From 5 Years In The Future: Friendshake 6.0 — The Stalkanator


Today, Facebook has released the app you’ve all been waiting for: Friendshake 6.0. Of course, it lets you know which friends are nearby, but it also has these wonderful NEW FEATURES.

* It lets you know your friends are armed.
* Whether they are isolated.
* Whether anyone can hear them scream.
* Whether there is a convenient body drop off point like a lake or gravel quarry nearby.
* And of course, it adds their subdual rating, which lets you know your chances of disabling them.

Ok, this has been a SLIGHT exaggeration based on Friendshake, Foursquare, and the new zeal people seem to have about letting everyone know exactly where they are right this second.

Maybe I have a skewed view of reality because I have more than 5,000 Facebook Friends and over 80,000 Twitter followers (johnhawkinsrwn and rightwingnews) to go along with a profession that guarantees I get death threats and emails from crazy people, but this just doesn’t seem safe to me.

That cute little 21 year college student who goes to the same school you do? “She” might actually be an overmuscled, 6’6′ serial rapist. Or the next Craigslist killer. Or your psycho ex-boyfriend. Or someone who wants to beat you to death with a tire iron for calling him a dork last week.

My guess is that people will begin to figure out it’s unsafe when people start to die. That’s just a matter of time at this point.

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