I first became aware of Janeane Garofalo back in the early 90's when I watched her on the funny but short lived "The Ben Stiller Show." She is the type of girl I always used to go for in high school - dark, moody, with a sharp wit, and low self esteem. I enjoyed her sardonic humor and sharp quips, especially when it came to pushing Vanilla Ice over the edge on MTV, causing him to attack an innocent soundstage with a baseball bat.

But my love for everyone's favorite Slacker Fatalist Comedienne has quickly become a love-hate relationship since the beginning of the second conflict in Iraq. Her intelligence was quickly exposed to be nothing but ignorance due to her gagged-up pedomorphic statements about U.S. foreign policy on national television.

Now, I can say that I respect Janeane because unlike most Libs, at least she's consistent in her ignorance. She doesn't backtrack like so many Dem Senators who praise the President for the war after calling for a regime change in Washington. She sticks to her guns, even if she is shooting blanks.

But that doesn't give her a free pass. I'm sticking to my belief that all phlegmatic fatheads deserve to be soundly and thoroughly spanked, and she's no exception. I decided to use my First Amendment right to set the record straight over the bulk of her foolish, asinine, auditory vomit that has been spewed over the airways like so much stinky lung butter these past few weeks.

The following are my responses to "Garafoquotes" in italics taken from various media outlets. Most of these I found collected at Hollywoodhalfwits.com. So without further ado, let's start making this semi-known comedienne/actress even more famous by devoting a rant to her…

"I would be so willing to say I'm sorry, I hope to God that I can be made a buffoon of, that people will say you were wrong, you were a fatalist, and I will go to the White House on my knees on cut glass and say, hey, you were right, I shouldn't have doubted you."

Well, your prayers were answered my dear, because you were a buffoon, you were wrong, and you were a fatalist. We're still waiting for you to put your money where that big mouth of yours is and say we were right and you should never have doubted us. Of course, Liberal Pride will probably keep you from doing so, just like it kept you from apologizing for "Clay Pigeons."

"I would say a pre-emptive, unprovoked strike is not fair. This is a pre-emptive strike. It was not provoked. That is not fair."

Fair? FAIR?! What in life is fair? Was it fair when 3,000 innocent people going about their daily lives died when someone flew an airplane into their place of work? Was it fair when Iraqi children starved to death as Saddam was planning on building an Olympic Stadium? Was it fair when I paid $9 to see "Mystery Men" in the theater?

This whole liberal life outlook that there actually exists a concept of fairness in this world is mind boggling, and further proves that they do not live in reality. The notion that there are actually people out there that won't screw you over and oppress you to advance their own careers and ideals is ludicrous. I mean, this girl is in the entertainment industry for God's sake! Arguably the LEAST fair business in the world! A business that exploits people's talents for profit. A business where if your tits are too small or your nose is a tad too big you won't be hired no matter how good of an actress you are. A business that has no respect for the American public. A business that is only interested in money and fame. She lives in this world, thrives in it, and yet believes that when it comes to international diplomacy it's any different than when a Casting Director refuses to hire an Agent's talented and hard working clients because she wasn't invited to his birthday party!

As Nick Lappos once said: If you're in a fair fight, you didn't plan it properly. War is not fair. Life itself is not fair. Why wait for the bomb to blow up before you try to disarm it? This whole notion that we have to wait to get punched in the face before we fight back is ridiculous. What if that's the knock out punch? Like in so many movies where the big blowhard dares the little girl to "Give him her best shot," thinking himself invincible, and then a swift kick to the nuts puts him down for the count. I'd prefer to take any advantage I can when it comes to the safety of myself and the people I love, thank you very much.

"…in [Bill O'Reilly's] world and Fox News's world, we won, it's great, everybody loves us, democracy's there, the domino effect of democratization is going to take hold, and aren't we the greatest?"

Uh… yeah. Because we DID win. It just seems like FOX was beefing up our achievements because they were actually REPORTING what was happening. Meanwhile, the news networks my sweet Janeane was watching - ABC, CBS, CNN, MSNBC - are all slanting their coverage to the left! To watch those networks, you'd think we were LOSING the war! We're in a quagmire. The Elite Republican Guard is going to put up a fight. We have too few troops. Sandstorms are going to hinder us. Urban warfare is gonna kill our soldiers. There's a red circle around Baghdad where they're gonna use chemical weapons against us. Meanwhile in reality, 3 weeks later, it's all over. This is what all those other networks were reporting -- and Janeane bought every bit of it.

We did win. We showed the world we weren't a bunch of tree hugging p*ssies who were going to sit idly by as murderous dictatorships snubbed their noses at us. That we weren't going to wait to be attacked before we act. That the fight hadn't gone out of us. That to be an American still stands for life, liberty, and the pursuit of those who threaten it.

No one is ever in favor of war. But people do recognize the necessity of Peace through strength and victory and not through appeasement and apathy. Us hawks are strong birds who soar high and are unafraid of anything in the sky. We ensure peace by fighting the fights that need fighting and nipping conflict in the bud. The bulk of the violence is over in Iraq. But the war still goes on. The war of ideals. The never ending war of freedom vs. oppression. That goes on, as it always will. But as long as we're around to fight for it, everyone will be happy, and we will be the greatest.

"Yes, it's great that Saddam is gone, but the victory cannot be defined by a photo-op of a statue."

The thing that really gets my goat here is the fact that ever since we took down that statue, Janeane's been running around claiming that it was nothing but a photo-op and that things haven't really changed in Iraq. Number one, this completely marginalizes (get to know this word, she uses it a lot) the achievement of our soldiers and the liberation of the Iraqis (at least the overwhelming majority who wanted it). Number two, ever since this whole rigmarole started, Janeane's been trying her d*mnedest to get that cute little pug face of hers on every television network that will allow it. So its okay to have a photo-op if you're running around creating buzz by making unpopular comments so people will watch your new sitcom on the Marxist leaning ABC (owned my Disney, the entertainer of our children no less), yet when an event as historic and memorable as the liberation of oppressed people occur, you criticize it as a cheap publicity stunt? Get your head out of your *ss. I think you've been squeezing too tight.

"There's no way a war in Iraq will go well."

Do I really have to say anything about this one? I mean really…

(Referencing a sign at an anti-war march) "We Support Our Troops… When They Shoot Their Officers) "That one guy that had that one sign that you'll probably beat into the ground. You're going to use it over and over whether it actually existed or not. That's what all you right-wing radio hosts do. You make sh*t up all the time."

Unlike Hollywood, which only deals in facts and reality. This statement reminds me of a conversation I overheard a producer have with a military representative from the Pentagon back in '99. The producer worked for director Paul Verhoeven regarding the production of the Kevin Bacon movie "Hollow Man." The producer was trying to convince the Pentagon representative to allow them to shoot on the steps of the actual Pentagon in Washington D.C., while the representative told him of a building in Los Angeles that could double for the Pentagon, save the production some money, and not inconvenience government employees who's job is the defense of this nation. The Producer heatedly said "I don't think you understand. We need to do this at the Pentagon. Paul Verhoeven is very concerned about making this look real." To which the representative replied "Real? Real?! The guy's making a movie about an invisible f*cking man!"

And that, my friends, is the crux of the issue here. Hollywood elites make their living off of fantasy, and they assume everyone else does too. These people live lives where they're surrounded by wannabes and *ss-kissers who never disagree with them and praise them no matter what they do or say, no matter how ridiculous that may be. And they fire anyone who dares to disagree with them. So naturally, if you disagree with them, YOU'RE the one making sh*t up. Because they are always right. If you don't believe it, just ask the people who work for them.

Oh and Janeane...

"Our country is founded on a sham: our forefathers were slave-owning rich white guys who wanted it their way. So when I see the American flag, I go, 'Oh my God, you're insulting me.' That you can have a gay parade on Christopher Street in New York, with naked men and women on a float cheering, 'We're here, we're queer!' -- that's what makes my heart swell. Not the flag, but a gay naked man or woman burning the flag. I get choked up with pride."

Um, our forefathers also went to war over TEA! And you're complaining about how we're just in Iraq for OIL? Be glad you live in modern times, because our forefather's would have given you a nice tall glass of shut the hell up before they challenged you to a duel with pistols at dawn for besmirching their honor. Our country was founded by a bunch of white guys who were being taxed to death by a REAL imperialist power who weren't allowing them fair representation in their home country. They were looked down upon as second class citizens. Now, ideally, this is how the Libs would want this country to work -- taxing its people to death, the government's fingers in every facet of your life, not wanting to listen to you if you disagree with them -- that was why our forefathers went to war. They never wanted to break away from the British, but they felt they had no choice.

And so what if they were hypocrites by owning slaves in a free nation? The beauty of the U.S.A. and the genius of the Constitution is that it's FLEXIBLE. It can be CHANGED. It can ADAPT. We have the leeway to correct our mistakes. We can look at things and say "Hey! We ARE a bunch of rich white guys who own slaves in a free country. Maybe we should take a closer look at this…" I mean, that's what the whole f*cking Civil War was about. A bunch of rich white guys fighting each other over the rights of a bunch of poor black guys.

The sheer notion of being insulted by the sight of a flag is moronic. There are a lot of people out there who'd be insulted by the sight of a naked guy, weather he's gay or not, but you don't seem to care about them, do you? Yet that flag that represents the freedom that allows you to speak your mind; that represents Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness; that represents no taxation without representation; that represents the separation of church and state, and therefore the inability to have other people's beliefs forced upon you; that represents the right you have not to incriminate yourself, the right to have an attorney, the right to a fair trial by a jury of your peers; that represents the right to vote and select the people you want to lead this nation; that represents the right to BURN that very flag without fear of reprisal -- that flag, that represents all that and so much more… that insults you?

So by that logic, the whole notion of freedom is insulting to you. You get choked up with pride when you see people, naked or no, destroying that very symbol of freedom and liberty. Someone go tend to Sweet Baby Jesus because I think I hear him crying. Why don't you go down to West Hollywood's Queers for Cuba office and see if a naked gay man can burn a flag in Cuba and get away with it? See how that swells the cockles of your cold, black, commie heart you poor misguided honeybee.

(joking about her relationship with Bill O'Reilly) "I know. He likes me! He likes me! He has a crush on me! He's very attracted to me."

And who wouldn't, my dear? At least until you open your mouth.

"I don't know that I would need to be famous as a Middle East policy expert to see that unilateral imperialism is bad policy."

And apparently, you don't need to be famous as an actor to appear in bad movies.

Look, unilateral imperialism IS a bad policy. It simply doesn't work. Imperialist nations eventually crumble. It happened to Rome. It happened to France under Napoleon. It happened to the British. It happened to the Nazis. It happened to the Japanese. But when are you and your liberal friends going to realize that the United States is not an Imperialist nation? We are not building an Empire here. We haven't invaded Mexico. We haven't invaded Canada. We don't conquer other countries and force them to become a state in the Union. We fight with people who pose a threat to us, or who's interest run so counter to ours that they become a threat. And when we do fight, it's never unilaterally.

Even in the Revolutionary War, we had help from other countries. World War I & II weren't unilateral. Gulf War I wasn't unilateral. The Cold War wasn't unilateral. Vietnam had the French and the British involved at the beginning. And even then we did that in conjunction with South Vietnam. And no matter what you Libs say, Gulf II was not unilateral. We had help from one of the biggest coalitions in history. But to you, none of them are "important" countries, so they don't count. Ah, the elitism. If they aren't at least the size of Texas, I guess you don't consider them real countries with real people and real interests, unless they exist between France and Germany, of course.

"If I am uninformed, which I'd like to think I work very hard not to be, uninformed, it is the fault of the White House and the mainstream media. We don't get enough information. We don't get enough news with our news. And how can we function as a democracy without information? We are given disinformation and White House propaganda all the time. We have no history to our news, no context to our news, no global perspective. We don't see people outside our borders as humans. And if I am uninformed, which I'd like to think I work very hard not to be, uninformed, it is the fault of the White House and the mainstream media."

If she were in the South Park movie, she'd be running around singing "Blame Gov-ern-ment! Blame Gov-ern-ment!" This whole notion that we don't see people outside our borders as humans is strictly a Liberal Elitist notion, because the Liberal Elite don't see anyone outside of their social circle as human. They are beneath them. And actors are some of the biggest elitists in the world, because they have to remove themselves from the public that gave them their career and move into a house in the Hollywood Hills, or Westwood, or Miami Beach, or Beverly Hills, or any other controlled community that exists outside of lower and middle class America's grasp.

The Liberals are the ones that wanted to delay shutting down Saddam's torture chambers. They're the ones that wanted to delay freeing the Iraqi children from jail. They're the ones that wanted the Iraqi people to continue to starve to death while their leaders gorge themselves on the fat of the land. They stood up for everything in Iraq that they are against in America. It was the Right that was leading the charge to save the Iraqi people. The Right were the one's saying "We gotta go in there! We gotta save these people!" While the Left was content to sit on their collective *sses in "die-ins" and let these atrocities continue unchecked. Now I ask you, an independent reader, a bastion of intelligence -- does that sound like WE are the ones who look at the people outside our boarders as less than human? Or is it all these Marxist, Socialists, and Communists that hide behind our flag (while burning it) and criticize us for doing exactly what they say they believe in?

Unfortunately, poor Janeane is quite painfully uninformed. She reads the L.A. Times, she watches CNN, she surfs SALON.com, and many other "Al-Jazeera West" news organizations who give her the wrong information (when they chose to report it, that is).

And this whole notion that "we don't get enough information" is pure bunk. That's right. I said bunk. There are people under 70 who still use that word. We're inundated with information every day. We have three 24-hour cable news stations. We have newspapers and magazines. We have the internet. We have talk radio. We have all the information we need, and as long as you read between the lines and use the brain that God (or whatever) gave you, there's plenty of news in our news. It just takes a little bit of actual, good, old-fashioned thought to sift all the bullsh*t and leftist propaganda out of the facts.

And the whole notion of the Whitehouse mis-informing the nation… well, that might have been true under Clinton, but not once can I see an example where good ol' Dubya said something he actually didn't mean. The whole idea of misinformation is saying one thing and doing another (something the Libs are experts at). Bush hasn't done this once. He said that the war on terror was going to be long and hard. That it wasn't going to end with Afghanistan. He said we were going to liberate Iraq. When he says he's going to do something, he does it, and he doesn't quibble over what the definition of "is" is.

If you're uninformed, it's your own d*mn fault. It's your fault for being exposed to all this information and blindly sticking to your own sophomoric beliefs, despite the evidence that you're wrong. And it just goes towards the whole Liberal belief that everyone's to blame but the individual. Its society's fault you're not getting enough info? It's the White House's and government's fault you can't find any news? Give me a break. Stop reading those movie scripts and try cracking open a few news sources your own damn self instead of waiting Tim Robbins to feed it to you.

"They [network news] tend to marginalize it [anti-war protests] by only interviewing the guy dressed as a carrot on stilts or Wavy Gravy. You know what I mean? Like some guy with no teeth and a tie-dyed Grateful Dead shirt, because they want to marginalize it."

Um, correct me if I'm wrong, sweetie, but aren't you on EVERY news network spouting your socialist claptrap? Isn't Tim Robbins on TV every time I turn around b*tching about that "chill wind" he claims is blowing? Don't we see Hans Blix, Chirac, Al-Jazeera, David Arnett, Peter Jennings, the Dixie Chicks, and any other celeb with half a brain cell still functioning on the news networks talking about the anti-war protests? I mean how delusional are you? If anything the network news marginalizes (there's that word again) the people who support the war because they actually care for their own safety. They characterize them as stupid people who hook up when they throw some things on the fire, talk about Vin Diesel, tell stories about who their favorite Fox anchor is, exchange phone numbers, and in some cases get married, all the while bashing the Dixie Chicks. Right?

You're really good at playing the victim Janeane. Be careful you don't get typecast along with all your other tie-dyed, carrot on stilts, wavy gravy anti-war friends.

"Sure [our enemies should be more powerful], when Communist U.S.S.R. was a superpower, the world was better off. The right-wing media is trying to marginalize the peace movement."

Ah, jeeze. That's right. That makes perfect sense. Let's make sure our enemies are more powerful so they have a better chance of killing us. That makes so much f*cking sense! Why don't you let FOX News buy out a few of the other networks so there's a balance of Left and Right news media… you know, just so your enemies on the Right are better off? Why don't you have all those Hollywood Producers put the script to their next movie up on the internet so all the rival studios know what they're planning to do? Why don't those power agents mail lists of prospective clients they're going to go after to each other? Hollywood would be so much better off if people's enemies were more powerful.

The whole notion that we have to give our enemies the chance to compete is ludicrous! We don't give enemies the chance to compete! That's the whole point of enemies! The very notion of having them is that you want to DESTROY EACH OTHER! Why don't we sell some of our own nukes to Al-Qaeda, just so we can give 'em a fighting chance? We'll even throw in some blueprints to government buildings while we're at it so they can figure out where to put them for maximum effect! The next time you have a stalker, let him arm himself and get within five feet of you before you call the police… you know, just so everyone's better off. Moron.

"This [Iraq] is a manufactured conflict for the sake of geopolitical dominance in the area." You know, I love how the conspiracy theories on the Left can effectively be used for just about anything they don't like. It's been like this since the 60s, when the widespread use of pot made EVERYBODY paranoid enough to believe this crap. Like this conflict was manufactured. Yeah, it started under Carter in 1979 when Saddam first came into power. Good ol' Jimmy was sitting around on his peanut farm waxing philosophical about all his problems in the Middle East, and said "I know! We need geopolitical dominance in that area!" So he called up Saddam, got the ball rolling, and his nefarious plan was further prepared under Reagan, Bush 41, and Clinton, coming to a head under Dubya, and when its all over, all 5 presidents are gonna get together, drink some beer, and congratulate each other for manufacturing and executing such a masterful 24 year plan to get their grubby little hands on the geopolitical dominance in the Middle East. Sigh. (P.S. Oliver Stone, if you're reading this, I already registered this idea with the writer's guild, so you're gonna have to buy it off me if you're gonna use it.)

Well my friends, like so many of Janeane's movies, mercifully, its over. So what's the point of all my inane ramblings? What purpose does refuting such blatantly foolish and uninformed statements gain? Probably nothing, since even should my lovely, dear, sweet Janeane read this, she wouldn't ever learn anything from it. It's obvious that she prefers to think she's right and everyone else is wrong. Just like all Liberals, like so much brittle iron, they'll break before they bend. So what is the point? Well, my friends, my readers, my captive audience… like so many of Janeane's movies, there really is no point -- other than exposing the falsities, non sequiturs, lies, and hypocrisies of the Left. Maybe if we keep pounding away at them, eventually they'll topple like so many a Saddam statue, and make America a little safer, not to mention less frustrating to live in, for the rest of us.

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