The Best Quotes From, ‘The Simpsons’


Ok — so there’s nothing Conservative about putting up my favorite quotes from the Simpsons. But I thought it would be fun…

“Things aren’t as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.” — Kent Brockman

“A bloody end for Homer Simpson…is just one of several possible outcomes according to our computer simulation. Now here is how it would look if the police killed him with a barrage of baseballs.” — Kent Brockman

“…and that fluffy kitten played with that ball of string, all through the night. And on a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered…” — Kent Brockman

Kent Brockman “Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it’s time for our viewers to crack each other’s heads open and feast on the goo inside?” Professor “Yes I would, Kent.”

“And in environmental news, scientists have announced that Springfield’s air is now only dangerous to children and the elderly.” — Kent Brockman

“Another local peasant has been found dead, drained of his blood with two teeth marks on his throat. This black cape was found on the scene. [The cape says "DRACULA."] Police are baffled.” — Kent Brockman

“Hello, I’m Kent Brockman, and welcome to another edition of ‘Smartline’. Are cartoons too violent for children? Most people would say ‘No. Of course not. What kind of stupid question is that?’ But one woman says ‘yes’…Marge Simpson.” — Kent Brockman

“Ladies and gentlemen, uh, we’ve just lost the picture, but what we’ve seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been taken over- ‘conquered’ if you will- by a master race of giant space ants. It’s difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earthman or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I’d like to remind them as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.” — Kent Brockman

“Mankind has always dreamed of destroying the sun” — Mr. Burns

Smithers “Sir, I’m afraid we have a bad image, people see you as a bit of an ogre.” Mr.Burns “I ought to club them and eat their bones!”

“Oooh, so Mother Nature needs a favor?! Well maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she’s losing. Well I say, hard cheese.” — Mr. Burns

“Ironic, isn’t it Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That’s democracy for you.” — Mr. Burns

“Oh your powers of deduction are exceptional. I simply can’t allow you to waste them here when there are so many crimes going unsolved at this very moment. Go! Go for the good of the city!” — Comic Book Guy

“Inspired by the most logical race in the galaxy, the Vulcans, breeding will be permitted once every seven years. For many of you this will mean much less breeding, for me, much much more.” — Comic Book Guy

(At the dentist’s office) “Lisa, so you won’t be scared, I’ll show you some of the tools I’ll be using. This is the scraper, this is the poker, and this happy little fellow is called the gouger. Now the first thing I’ll be doing is chiseling some teeth out of your jawbone. Hold still while I gas you.” — A Dentist

“And as for your case, don’t you worry. I’ve argued in front of every judge in the state. Sometimes as a lawyer.” — Lionel Hutz

“Well, he’s kind of had it in for me, since I accidently ran over his dog. Actually, replace ‘accidently’ with ‘repeatedly’, and replace ‘dog’ with ‘son’.” — Lionel Hutz

“An election!? That’s one of those deals where they close the bars isn’t it?” — Barney Gumbel

“We need some more secret sauce. Put the mayonnaise in the sun.” — Manager at Krusty Burger

“Serving the customer is merriment enough for me. Thank you, come again. See? Most enjoyable.” — Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

“Attempted murder, really, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?” — Sideshow Bob

“I used to be With IT. But then they changed what IT was. Now what I’m with isn’t IT, and what’s IT seems scary and wierd. It’ll happen to YOU.” — Abe Simpson

“I got a funny story about that. Well it’s not so much funny as it is long.” — Abe Simpson

“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Contrary to what you’ve just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars Trilogy. If you’d like to learn more about war, there’s lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool, gory pictures.” — Bart Simpson

“Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.” — Bart Simpson

“I’m not calling you a liar but….I can’t think of a way to finish that sentence.” — Bart Simpson

“Poachers are nature’s way of keeping the balance. Whenever there are so many species that people get confused and angry a poacher is born.” — Homer Simpson

“Being eaten by crocodile is just like going to sleep…in a giant blender.” — Homer Simpson

“Marge, I agree with you — in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory.” — Homer Simpson

“If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson

“I want to set the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute.” — Homer Simpson

“I’m not gonna lie to you, Marge.” Pause. “Well, goodbye” — Homer Simpson

“I’m not normally a religious man, but if you’re up there, save me, Superman!” — Homer Simpson

“I’m going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for TEN MINUTES.” — Homer Simpson

“Don’t mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers.” — Homer Simpson

“All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say ‘Yo Goober! Where’s the meat!?’. I’m trying to impress people here Lisa. You don’t win friends with salad.” — Homer Simpson

“If he’s so smart, how come he’s dead?” — Homer Simpson

“You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.” — Homer Simpson

“Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.” — Homer Simpson

“Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.” — The Simpsons

“Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done.” — Homer Simpson

“You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’.” — Homer Simpson

“I just realised that the cat and the dog haven’t had a wedding, they’ve been living in sin!” — Marge Simpson

“Jimmy Carter?! He’s history’s greatest monster!” — Someone in a crowd after a statue of Carter is unveiled

“You go through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch ‘em in the face, and for what? So some pimply little puke can treat you like dirt because you’re not on the team. Well, I’m better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt. I mean not that fancy store bought dirt. That stuffs loaded with nutrients. I… I can’t compete with that stuff.” — Moe Szyslak

“Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.” — Moe Szyslak

“Lemmie tell you what I tell everyone who comes in here, the police are powerless to help you.” — Chief Wiggum

“You know, fingerprints are just like snowflakes. They’re both very pretty.” — Chief Wiggum

“What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mysteries?” — Chief Wiggum to Ralph

“Ok folks, back away nothin to see here… Oh my god a horrible plane wreck! Hey everybody crowd around, come on don’t be shy crowd around.” — Chief Wiggum

“Ah jeez, can’t you people take the law into your own hands?” — Chief Wiggum

“See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with ya; otherwise, I got no case and you’ll go scot-free.” — Chief Wiggum

Man “How do you sleep at night?” Rainier Wolfcastle “On top of a big pile of money with many beautiful ladies.”

“Come see the battle to determine what the greatest nation on this planet is: Portugal or Mexico.” — World Cup Soccer Commercial

“We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy.” — Milhouse Van Houten

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