The Best Quotes From South Park


Back in October, Stephen Stanton wrote a piece for Tech Central Station called, “South Park Republicans.” That article got a lot of attention — including some from me. I’ve been a “South Park Republican” for a long time and I’m big fan of the show. So in honor of South Park, I’ve decided to compile a list of my favorite quotes from the program. Do keep in mind that South Park is obscene, controversial, and is oftentimes deliberately offensive. It’s not everybody’s cup of tea and if you’re easily offended, you might even want to skip these quotes. But if you’re a South Park fan — you’re going to like what you see. Read and enjoy…

“Each year, the Rainforest is responsible for over three thousand deaths from accidents, attacks or illnesses. There are over seven hundred things in the Rainforest that cause cancer. Join the fight now and help stop the Rainforest before it’s too late.” — Captions on the screen at the end of “Rainforest Schmainforest”

“I would never let a woman kick my @ss. If she tried something, I’d be like, HEY! You get your b*tch @ss back in the kitchen and make me some pie!” — Cartman

“Why does this happen every month? It seems like right about the same time every month, Kyle’s mom gets a hair up her @ss about something, and I always end up getting screwed by it.” — Cartman

“Too bad drinking scotch isn’t a paying job or Kenny’s dad would be a millionare!” — Cartman

“If some sissy chick tried to kick my @ss I would say hey, missy, go knit me a sweater before I slap you in the face!” — Cartman

“Mom — kitty is being a dildo.” — Cartman
“I know a special little kitty that’s sleeping with mommy tonight.” — Cartman’s mom replies

“Kenny’s family is so poor that yesterday, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.” — Cartman

“Anyway Kenny, Yellow MegaMan is only $8.95, so maybe your mom can put it on layaway and make payments for a year or two.” — Eric Cartman

“Well I looked in my moms closet and saw what I was getting for Christmas, an ultravibe pleasure 2000.” — Cartman

“It’s an Afghanistan goat, so it can’t stay here, or else it’ll choke on the sweet air of freedom.” — Cartman on a goat sent to him and his friends by some kids in Afghanistan

“There’s a time and a place for everything, and it’s called college.” — Chef

“Tolerant, but not stupid! Look, just because you have to tolerate something doesn’t mean you have to approve of it! …”Tolerate” means you’re just putting up with it! You tolerate a crying child sitting next to you on the airplane or, or you tolerate a bad cold. It can still piss you off!” — Mr. Garrison

“Half the kids in the class didn’t vote for your nephew. What about them? You don’t give a crap about them because they aren’t on your side. People like you preach tolerance and openmindedness all the time but when it comes to middle America you think we’re all evil and stupid country yokels who need your political alignment. Just because you’re on TV doesn’t mean you know crap about the government.” — Mr. Garrison yelling at Rosie O’Donnell

“Say “hi” to Sexual Harassment Panda!” — Mr. Garrison
“Hi, Sexual Harassment Panda.” — The class
“Did you know that when one little panda pulls on another little panda’s underwear, that’s sexual harassment? That makes me a sa-a-a-a-ad panda” — Sexual Harassment Panda
“This is freaking me out, dude.” — Kyle [to Stan]
“And when one little panda puts his furry little willy in another panda’s ear, that makes me a very sad panda. Now, I’m going to pass out these booklets, and we’re going to go through each and every sexual harassment law.” — Sexual Harassment Panda
“Awwww!” — The class

“That’s right, Mr. Garrison. Christopher Columbus discovered America and was the Indians’ best friend. He helped the Indians win their war against Frederick Douglass and freed the Hebrews from Napoleon and discovered France.” — Mr. Garrison’s hand puppet Mr. Hat

“Just remember what the MPAA says: Horrific, deplorable violence is okay, as long as people don’t say any naughty words!” — Kyle’s Mom

“If there are any questions, direct them to that brick wall over there.” — Network President

“It’s been six weeks since Saddam Hussein was killed by wild boars and the world is still glad to be rid of him.” — Newscaster

“The President responded to the situation by saying “Screw those commie b@stards and screw their wussy space station.” — Newscaster

“[the soldier next to him cocks his shotgun] You white Americans make me sick! [emphasizes his disgust with thumps on the table] You waste food, oil, and everything else because you’re so rich, and then you tell the rest of the world to save the rainforest because you like its pretty flowers.” — People’s Army Leader in the rainforest

“There’s a place called the rainforest; it truly sucks a**.
Let’s knock it all down and get rid of it fast.
You say, “Save the rainforest,” but what do you know?
You’ve never been to the rainforest before.
Getting Gay With Kids is here!
To tell you things you might not like to hear.
You only fight these causes ’cause caring sells.
All you activists can go f*** yourselves!
Someday if we work hard, boys and girls,
There’ll be no more rainforests left in the entire world!
Getting Gay With Kids is here!
To spread the word and bring you cheer. Yeah!
Getting Gay With Kids is here!
Let’s knock down the rainforest! What do you say?!
It’s totally gay! It’s totally gay!” — Song from “Rainforest Schmainforest” by the children’s choir called “Getting Gay With Kids”

“I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is that you’re perfectly healthy. The bad news is that you have cancer.” — Terrance

“Would you like a monkey claw, Phillip?” — Terrance
“Yes, please.” — Phillip
[farts and has the jury laughing] “That’s called a monkey claw because it feels like my colon is being ripped apart by a thousand monkeys!” — Terrance
“The monkey claw is smelly.” — Phillip

” … I don’t want to shoot the bunny.” — Stan
“No nephew of mine is going to be a tree hugger.” — Jimbo
“Yeah hippie, go back to Woodstock if you don’t want to shoot anything.” — Cartman

“Stan, what did I tell you about watching the Osbournes? It’s going to make you retarded!” — Stan’s Mom

“ENOUGH!! Oh, Haa-ha. Anyway, if you’ll come with me in my car, I’ll take you up to my condo where I’ll kill you – I I mean-uh, uh give you – moneyy – for the triangle.” — Barbra Streisand
“Sweet! I’m gonna be rich. Bet you wish you hadn’t given me that triangle back now, huh, Kyle? Dumb@ss! [heads for the car]” — Cartman
“Wait. Isn’t there some rule about not getting into cars with strangers?” — Kyle
“No, not when money is involved, stupid! [The kids climb into her car and Barbra revs it up]” — Cartman

“Dude, dolphins are intelligent and friendly!” — Wendy
“Intelligent and friendly on rye bread, with some mayonaise.” — Cartman

Thanks to RWN’s readers who: contributed: some of these quotes. You can read part 2 of RWN’s favorite South Park quotes: here.

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