If you enjoy these quotes from Frank J’s “In My World” series, you can read more of Frank J’s work at IMAO.
Buck ventured into the nearby town where many citizens watched. “Hello, I’m Buck the Marine, from America. I’ve come to help some of you for’ners and kill others. If you are a for’ner I’m supposed to kill, please signal by attacking me violently.” — Buck the Marine
“You got some answering to do, little lady. Conspiring with the enemy, trying to get a Marine killed – why that has to be one of the least ethical things the left-wing media has done in… well… two or three days.” — Buck the Marine
“According to the Marine kill’n manual,” Buck answered, “when surrounded you kill everyone… in a circle” — Buck the Marine
“Actions will soon be taken,” President Bush announced to the press, “This is our enemy’s final chance. After today, they can talk to the cruise missiles, and the cruise missiles are not good conversationalists. They are prone to constant interruptions, often brash in their language, and are poor listeners. Plus, they incinerate you.” — George W. Bush
“U.S. Presidents of old hear me now,” Bush shouted into the air, “for I ask of your power! Give me the level-headed cunning of George Washington, the straight moralism of Abraham Lincoln, the mighty strength of Teddy Roosevelt, the alcohol tolerance of Ulysses S. Grant, and the don’t give a s**t attitude of James Polk!”There was a burst of light that surrounded Bush, and then he tore apart his chains as if they were papier-m’ch’. “Time for an *ss-whup’n… Texas style!” he announced.” — George W. Bush
“Yeah, that place.” Bush was given the phone. “This is the president! …yeah, the one of the United States. Nuke Belgium! Nuke it to hell! “Bush looked out the window, waiting for a big explosion where the crumbled fortress lay, but instead he saw one far off in the distance. “I think you missed it,” Bush said into the phone, “No, I don’t know what country you nuked, but you better find out who and send them a fruit basket.” — George W. Bush
“I need to get attacked by terrorists more often. That will learn them for sure! If they want to destroy America, they should do it through non-violent means such as helping the Howard Dean campaign.” — George W. Bush
“Oh no!” Bush exclaimed, “It’s Vice President day! That’s when the Vice President emerges from his undisclosed location. If he stays out, it will mean economic recovery is on its way. But, if he’s scared back in by a terrorist attack, that means six more weeks of recession! It’s covered by all the press.” — George W. Bush
“I keep telling the higher ups that I don’t want affiliates carrying our channel in places like San Francisco and Berkley. I can’t sleep at night thinking weirdoes like those people were looking at me on T.V” — E.D.
“When asked if the White House condemned anyone who would threaten Sen. Daschle and his family, Fleischer responded, “That would be quite hypocritical since I myself have threatened Daschle and his family on many occasions. Once, I killed his cat and placed it in a shoebox with a letter telling him he was next. The President believes in the Constitutional right to threats, and he will kill the household pets of anyone who would threaten that right to threats.” — Ari Fleischer
“On whether there would be a backlash against Jeffords when the Republicans take the majority in the Senate, Fleischer said, “Are you reporters all retarded? Of course we’ll seek vengeance. We have a mandate from the people to hand out punishment to all our enemies. He is going to wish he was never elected to public office. Originally, we were going to have Trent Lott beat him up on the floor of the Senate until the president pro tempore would finally yell, ‘Finish him!’ Then Lott would rip Jeffords head out along with his spine and hold it up for a nice photo op and warning to all other potential Judases. Unfortunately, we found out we would need a two-thirds majority in the Senate to do that.” — Ari Fleischer
“He was just playing around,” Whitehouse Press Secretary Ari Fleischer later told the press, “So there is no reason to sue him, unless you’re some sort of crybaby… or hate not being injected with a drug that makes it look like you had a heart attack.” He then glared at the press threateningly.” — Ari Fleischer
“The official position of the Whitehouse on France’s and Germany’s stance against war is ‘F–k them and the horses they rode in on.’ We’d launch cruise missiles at them, but they are so irrelevant we don’t even have their latitudes and longitudes written down anywhere.” — Ari Fleischer
“If other countries wanted their opinions to matter, they shouldn’t be so small and weak.” — Ari Fleischer
“I’m gonna cut me a ‘publican!” Gephardt yelled, pulling out a knife.” — Dick Gephardt
“I have a question,” said the Fox News Reporter, “I just did an expose on how many different countries there are and how the number of foreign nations is a threat to our national security. Is the White House doing anything to reduce the number of other countries?” — Melinda Hawkish, Fox News Reporter
“According to our poll,” said Melinda Hawkish of Fox News, “68% of American people are for military action against the Saudis, and 32% against. When are we going to use military action against those 32% who are terrorist sympathizers?” — Melinda Hawkish, Fox News Reporter
“We should at least wait until inspections are done before we talk about the possibility of discussing whether or not we will talk about putting war on the table as a possible but unlikely option.” — Pierre, The French ambassador to America
“France and Russia stated they were unhappy with the U.S. position. France has been especially uneasy with America since Donald Rumsfeld tried to strangle their ambassador for “looking at him funny.” They want war with Iraq to be the last option, while America wants it as the first option and diplomacy only as a final option. In the U.S. resolution, the ordering of steps taken against Iraq will be war, then a nuclear strike, then biological warfare, then childish name calling, then an embargo, and, finally, diplomacy if none of the previous efforts worked.” — Narrator
“The same diplomat was later found strangled to death, seemingly another victim of the serial killer known as the “Rumsfeld Strangler.” He apparently only kills foreign diplomats and gets his name from his calling card he leaves on each body: the statement “I’m Donald Rumsfeld. I strangled this guy.” on a piece of the Defense Secretary’s official stationary that is signed by Donald Rumsfeld and stamped by a notary public. D.C. police are baffled.” — Narrator
“In unrelated news, another reporter was found dead, an apparent victim of the “Rumsfeld Strangler”. This time the strangler left a new calling card, a Polaroid of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld strangling the victim with the message, “Here’s me, Donald Rumsfeld, strangling this guy,” written on it. Police profilers say the culprit is probably a nineteen-year-old Latino woman. D.C. police said they will not investigate, though, because “murderers are scary.” — Narrator.
“Chomps (the world’s angriest dog) panted happily, but then he soon saw a star in the sky that made him angry for some reason, so he tried to jump up and bite it. Rumsfeld wasn’t sure which star it was that enraged Chomps so, but he vowed that one day future generations would destroy it.” — Narrator
“Hundreds of thousands of Commie Pinko anti-American retards took the streets world-wide Saturday thinking that if people see how a bunch of morons are able to both march and hold signs at the same time then those people will forget their own welfare and the welfare of others and also mindlessly oppose war.” — Narrator
“Well, couldn’t you admit that the way you lassoed Chirac, shot those accompanying him with a single-action revolver, and then yelled, “Yee-haw!” while riding a horse off into the sunset with a bunch of stolen French cattle could be construed as the actions of a ‘cowboy’?” — Reporter To President Bush
“On screen appeared a giant mech armed to the teeth. Also, an American flag was prominently painted on its front. “We call this our War Machine,” Rice explained, “It stands at about ten stories tall. You’ll notice we’ve drawn a hapless foreigner about to be crushed by its foot to give it scale. Its function will be to smash through villages, crushing buildings as it blares ‘God Bless America’ on its giant speakers. This is all part of our effort to make lesser cultures fear America in the same way they would fear the gods.” — Condi Rice
“Rice grabbed Rumsfeld in a headlock as he tried to lunge forward. “We already tried sending him to an anger management class,” she said as she tried to hold Rumsfeld back, “but they just sent him back with a note recommending he be put down.” — Condi Rice
“I keep telling you,” Condi said with frustration over the phone, “I had the nuclear launch codes, but I misplaced them. Now, I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes if Finland isn’t nuked by the time the President gets back… Yeah, that’s right; he explicitly ordered Finland to be nuked while he was away… Hey, I’m not the one who is going to lose his job if Finland exists an hour from now… Yes, and he approved me to get that pizza on his credit card… President Bush is going to be so mad if he heard you denied me that pizza!” — Condi Rice
“These are pictures of happy Iraqis,” Rumsfeld said as he showed some slides of an Iraqi family sitting down for dinner and smiling children playing in the streets. “Do you know what happy Iraqis mean?” Rumsfeld asked the clueless reporters. He paused a moment so they could stare back at him like deer trapped in headlights. “It means THEY ARE NOT BEING BOMBED!” — Donald Rumsfeld
“WAR!” Rumsfeld shouted, and then resumed in a whisper, “I can feel it nearing… growing closer… and as war approaches, my strength grows…” — Donald Rumsfeld
“Let me be clear: the U.N. is dead to me, and, if I have my way, it will soon be dead to everyone. That said, anyone who vetoes something the U.S. supports vetoes their own life. The children of tomorrow will sing many sad songs about those who oppose us today.” — Donald Rumsfeld
“I’ll murder you for telling me to control my temper!” Rumsfeld shouted as he tried to reach for Bush’s neck.” — Donald Rumsfeld
“Kids these days need to be tougher. I keep hearing about how kids can’t even bring a knife into school anymore. Back in my day, we had a rifle club at our elementary school, well stocked with ammo. Good thing too, because it was the only way we survived that onslaught on ten thousand Zulu warriors who attacked us one year. We kept firing on them, and they kept coming as if there was no end to them. Eventually, we ran out of ammo and had to resort to pegging the Zulus with dodge balls. Lost my best friend that day when he chucked one and a Zulu caught it. It was a horrible day, but the teacher still didn’t delay the math test I hadn’t studied for.” — Donald Rumsfeld
“If you want my opinion,” Rumsfeld said, “and you’ll be getting it whether you do or not – this is all some plot from the Belgians to get nuked. And, frankly, I think their plan is going to work.” — Donald Rumsfeld
“Seventeen. Eighteen. Nineteen.” Rumsfeld cocked his hand back really far for the last punch. “And twenty!” He dropped the reporter to the ground. “I hoped that answered your question about whether the war in Iraq was started for false pretenses. If you didn’t understand the answer, I could repeat.” — Donald Rumsfeld
“Say hi to Lenin for me in Commie hell, Joe,” the Duke said, and then unloaded his gun into Stalin’s chest.” — John Wayne
Laughter echoed throughout the room. “You’re a clever adversary, Buck,” the disembodied voice of Lipitor said, “You’ve broken into my fortress. Still, if you had any real intelligence, a mortal such as you would never dare to contend with a god such as me. Now that you are in my lair, you will find yourself in situations that will challenge your very understanding of physics itself.”
“My understanding of what now?” Buck asked, taking another sip of beer.
“I heard your ready to compromise on that bill,” Daschle said, entering the room, “but you just didn’t say which bill.”
“Uh… the one all you Democrats are whining about,” Bush answered.
“You have to be more specific.”
“Anyhoo, there is another initiative I decided to veto.”
“The ‘Not hit you in the kneecaps’ initiative!” Bush yelled, hitting Daschle in the kneecaps with his club. Daschle screamed like a girl and went straight to the ground.
“There’s nothing better than a game of golf, is there, Agent Smith?”
“I wouldn’t know, President Bush,” Secret Service Agent Smith answered, “I’ve never played. I just stand here in the sun and watch you. Rather asinine, if you ask me.”
“Yep, nothing better than a good game of golf,” Bush said as he adjusted his cowboy hat, and then prepared for a swing.
“So why are we watching the stupid gringo Democrat get into his car?”
“Just wait for it,” Bush answered, watching out the window with barely contained excitement. Below them, Tom Daschle sat down in his car and turned the ignition. Soon his car exploded into a ball of flame and Daschle started running around the parking lot on fire and screaming.
“Stop, drop, and roll, jack@ss!” Bush shouted and closed the window. He then collapsed into his chair laughing.
“Isn’t that attempted murder?” the Mexican asked with some concern.
“What are you? Some legal scholar? Practical jokes aren’t crimes.”
Laura now stormed into the room, dragging Barbara and Jenna by their ears. Scott crawled in behind her. “Do you know what your daughters were doing?” Laura said angrily, “Trying to snipe their own mother, that’s what!”
“Why are they always my daughters when they’re trying to kill us,” Bush groaned as he got himself off the ground.
“What about this new report out,” said another reporter, “Some people find it alarming.”
“What’s so alarming?” Scott asked.
“Well, it starts with, ‘U.S. intelligence has determined’ and then there are 27 pages blanked out followed by the word ‘the’ and then 14 pages missing until the phrase ‘brain-eating zombies’ then 32 pages missing until the phrase ‘nuclear deaths for everyone’ then 8 pages missing followed by ‘the Saudis are planning to stab us in the back and’ then 83 pages missing until the report ends with the word ‘happy’.”
Scott chuckled nervously as he adjusted his collar. “How can anything be ‘alarming’ if it ends with the word ‘happy’?”
“Do you have any comment on progress towards catching the Rumsfeld Strangler?” asked another reporter.
Fleischer laughed. “The Rumsfeld strangler is just an invention of the liberal media.”
“Many believe otherwise. Some say the murderer is someone from your administration.”
“Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao.”
“That’s ridiculous; she’s barely ever strangled anyone.”
“Fleischer saw Helen Thomas preparing to ask a question. “Yes.”
“Why does President Harding want an illegal war for oil?” Thomas asked. “Why does he want to kill innocent Iraqi children?”
“Helen, please, if there is any decency in you, just lie down on the ground and stop breathing,” Fleischer urged.”
“Why are you filming the G.I.’s helping school children?” CNN’s Lefty Stevens asked Fox News’s Melinda Hawkish, “There’s no story there.”
“I think people would be interested in how war and destruction has improved the lives of the Iraqis,” Melinda answered.
“Bah! Only stories of failure are news worthy,” Stevens answered. Nearby he saw a troop fall to the ground, and he and his cameraman quickly rushed over to film him. “Yet another troop has fallen in this burgeoning quagmire,” Stevens narrated.
“I’m alright,” said Private Gomer, standing up, “I just done tripped on a rock.”
“D@mmit!” Stevens exclaimed, “Well scream for us if you are more seriously wounded.”
“What’s wrong with those people?” Buck the Marine asked Melinda.
“They’re just CNN; don’t mind them,” Melinda answered.
“What’s this we hear about ‘Black Project Insano’?”
Ari fiercely grabbed the reporter. “WHO TOLD YOU?” Ari screamed at the top of his lungs. He then noticed everyone was looking at him with fright. He gently set the reporter back down and patted him on the shoulder. “I mean, what a ridiculous thing. I’ve never heard of any… whatever it was you just said. That’s just some crazy fiction you probably read about in the Weekly World News or the New York Times.”
“I was talking to some frogs,” Rumsfeld shouted angrily, “and I wasn’t done yet.”
“We were trying to talk nice to them, Rummy,” Bush explained.
“This could be damaging,” Rove said in an ominous voice.
The news was playing on a nearby T.V. “This just in: tourists to France say they are now unable to find the country. Apparently it was so scared by something, the entire nation went into hiding. No one can be sure what caused this, but most are guessing it’s from Bush’s botched diplomacy
Bush’s beating of Chirac and Saddam with a sack full of kittens has created an international incident; will any apologies be issued?” a reporter asked.
“The President has already sent a written apology to the kittens,” White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer stated.
“Kittens can’t read.”
Fleischer rolled his eyes. “The President is not a zoologist. He can’t be expected to keep track of which animals can and cannot read.”