PHILADELPHIA (AP) - After vowing to put up a tough fight in the general election campaign this fall by saying "if they bring a knife to the fight, we bring a gun", presumptive Democratic nominee Barack Obama apologized to the American people for suggesting that guns might be useful in securing a victory during personal combat against a lesser-armed - yet still life-threatening - mortal enemy.

"First of all," clarified Obama, "I'm getting old. And I haven't had much sleep in the last 48 hours. Still, that's no excuse to praise such a dangerous weapon. Naturally, I only meant such praise metaphorically, and any metaphorical gun I used would have a metaphorical trigger-lock and require a metaphorical background check and mandatory metaphorical 3-day waiting period."

"In the non-metaphorical sense," the senator continued. "I would never use a gun against someone armed with a knife. After all, maybe he's just taking that knife to a pawn shop so that he can sell it for gas money. Or maybe he needs it to do surgery on himself because he can't afford decent health care. I would never seek to use a firearm against an innocent victim of 7 years of disastrous Bush-McCain policies."

"What I would do," concluded Obama, "is agree to negotiations without preconditions so that I can continue to unite America through the hope of change. Unless, of course, the person with the knife were spreading rumors about Michelle's Whitey-hating, in which case I would absolutely bust a cap in his *ss.."

This satire was done with the permission of IMAO.