Originally posted at David Horowitz’s NewsReal
by Jenn Q. Public & Lori Ziganto
1. Matthew Modine Wants To Hug It Out. With Osama Bin Laden
This Spring, Matthew Modine divulged the full depth of his idiocy when he declared – unironically – that he wants to just hang and have a nice rap session with Osama Bin Laden. No, really.
Imagine if somebody were to really sit down with Osama Bin Ladin and say, “Listen man, what is it that you’re so angry at me about that you’re willing to have people strap bombs to themselves, or get inside of airplanes and fly them into buildings?” That would be the miracle if we can get, sit down and talk to our enemies and have a fine way for them to hear us.
“Listen, man. Why are you being all hater-y and stuff?” Um. We’re actually speechless. He really thinks someone can just hug it out with Osama Bin Laden. We’re only surprised he didn’t add “I can haz cookie now?” Sadly, this isn’t the first time that Matthew “I’m a total moron” Modine has uttered absolute tripe:
“I mean, he got shot down three times!” said Modine, taking on one of McCain’s most lauded personal accomplishments. “That’s not success!” While on a bombing mission over North Vietnam, McCain was shot down and held as a prisoner of war. When McCain’s father was named commander of U.S. forces in Vietnam, the future Arizona Senator was offered an early release, but rejected it because his captors would not also released his fellow American P.O.W.s.
That kind of loyalty has earned McCain endless accolades, but Modine thinks that McCain’s rejection of the release offer is yet another example of McCain’s shortcomings. “And he wasn’t even a good prisoner of war,” said Modine. “He should have left as soon as he could. That’s what you’re supposed to do as a prisoner of war: Leave when you can. It defeats the enemy. It makes them look bad and it weakens them.”
McCain got shot down three times, fighting for his country, and that’s something mockable to the ever douche-y Modine. Plus, McCain staying with his men, enduring further torture, makes him “not a good prisoner of war?” That’s funny, coming from someone who sits on his ass all day long, spewing the most inane things imaginable.
It was also personal with Modine. That latest asinine spewing of what can only loosely be called thought — and an offense to the English language — only served to remind us that Modine is still alive. And super old. Which means that we are super old, too. For that, he must pay.
Matthew Modine offers further proof that the movie “Clueless” should have been made about Hollywood.
2. John Cusack Takes on the “Tofuti Cuties” of Twitter
If actor John Cusack isn’t Patient Zero in the Bush Derangement Syndrome epidemic, he’s pretty close. But hey, somebody from the film industry had to get out there and tell HuffPo readers The Truth™ about how the “neo-cons were exploiting 9/11 for their hideous misadventure in Iraq.”
Lately Cusack has made a hobby of exploiting the English language for his hideous misadventures on Twitter, leading one follower to tell him, “If you’re going to be political, maybe learn how to spell Pakistan, and all words in general.” (Kudos to the New York Times for being on hand to capture that crucial moment in social media history. Seriously, thank you!)
Cusack’s strategy for dealing with that sort of “vitriol” is simple. He explained in an email to the Times, “I blockthem executioer style now with no warning!!” Just assume there’s a [sic] after every Cusack quote.
At the end of August, the thin-skinned actor had ample opportunity to test his strategy after he uncorked a bottle of cuckoo and sprayed the Twitterverse with a rant on the Ground Zero mosque:
think its a tea party issue.. .totally jive… curches arent illegal yet, thank god. RTyou for or against the mosque at ground zero?
I AM FOR A SATANIC DEATH CULT CENTER AT FOX NEWS HQ AND OUTSIDE THE OFFICES ORDICK ARMEYAND NEWT GINGRICH-and all the GOP WELFARE FREAKS
think of our the us treasury as the last frontier to be stripped mined if only pesky gov itelf wasn’t in the way.
taht’s the gop philospy.. gourge the stae while claiming to be rugged individuaist who live by the free market – biggest joke there is..
if anyone has my inerview with naomi klien i will repost by all those shcoked conservatives who are calling me cute names.
so nice to weed out all the little trolls who can’t bare it when someone has an opinion they dont like.. the such sensitive souls!
RT @CocosButter @johncusack Couldn’t find the video….but here is the transcript!–> http://huff.to/9wuxM9
thats for all the fact challenged souls who dont like opinions –you may not like me but never had one person debate the facts.
@GettinTheFEAR71 oh people like to rant from behind there keybards i guess..
ok guilty pleasure over will no longer feed the trolls just block them– ive had my fun with those tofuti cuties
Quite the keybard, that Cusack. I’m sure ORDICK ARMEYAND (whoever that is) and the rest of the “tofuti cuties” are shaking in their faux “rugged individuaist” boots. Oh, and there’s nothing like quoting an “inerview” with “naomi klien” to set the “fact challenged” trolls straight. Could it be that Cusack is just upset that the cuties won’t “bare it”?
A parting question for Cusack, phrased in a way he might understand: WHAT DIDTH EENGLSH LANGUGAE DO TOY OU? No need to respond. We know the answer has something to do with the Bush-Cheney cabal. (We also expect to be mocked when one of the sticklers in the comment section finds a typo in this post.)
3. Rockin’ the Vote: Now With More Skank! If The Vote’s A-Rockin’, Don’t Come A-Knockin’
A particularly amusing installment in the race for “dumbass celebrities of the year” is brought to us by Rock the Vote, a member of Campaign for America’s Future’s coalition. Rock The Vote, by the way, claims to be non-partisan. This statement is on their Web site:
Rock the Vote is a nonpartisan organization. This means that we do not support or endorse candidates nor do we participate in any activities that could benefit one party over another. There are many laws governing our work as a nonpartisan organization and we take our non partisanship seriously. We cannot approve use of our logo for any partisan effort.
Huh. That’s funny. Because the video urged support for that bill that we had to pass before we could see what was in it – Obamacare, pushed for, of course, by President Obama and the Democrats. They must have been using the Newspeak definition of non-partisan. By non-partisan, they meant totally couldn’t get more partisan. Watch below:
That’s right. They encouraged young people to use their bodies as sexual weapons. Where were the feminists decrying this objectification of our young women? I suppose this kind doesn’t count. Because, racism™. Rock the Vote was basically saying: “Oh noes! Don’t support the socialization of medicine? We totally won’t bang you.” You know, if they were really concerned with health, shouldn’t they have discouraged the boffing of strangers? Although, I suppose it makes sense to them; the Left really only knows how to screw America.
They pulled the skanky version of their usual stompy foot baby behavior. Only, instead of throwing a tantrum and holding their breath, they are “holding out.” The sad part was that they thought this was a threat. I thought it was a bonus! No chance of lefty procreation, since a vast majority of Americans did, and still do, oppose this legislation. Whew!
4. Roseanne Barr: Because “cheney-ized Judeo Christian Bushite America hates brown people.”
What would any list of celebrity idiots be without its D-listers? Enter Roseanne Barr, the anti-Semitic comedian-turned-radio host and author of the forthcoming Roseannearchy: Dispatched from the Nut Farm. Reserve your copies now, folks.
Roseanne’s formula for keeping her name out there each time her career fizzles goes a little something like this:
Phase 1: Rant about the Jooz. (Nazi photo spreads optional.)
Phase 2: ???
Phase 3: See phase 1.
Many of the Palestinian people are jewish and became christian after Israel stole their land and homes. They were dark skinned, and so driven out of their homes by a cheney-ized Judeo Christian Bushite America. the jewish american socialists are sending a flotilla from america to break the blockade of the anti-semitic zionists in Gaza! Zionists are German. weird hybrid. In order to defeat euro socialism, Hitler leveraged the rich jewish industrialists against the working class jews. The Russian accounts say that the last trains to Auschwitz were first class, as that is all the leverage left to the jewish oligarchs within the ‘reich’, (other than the jews like Hitler, Goebbels, and Himmler at the top). The scientists of the Reich successfully created a mutant human–a hybrid of Jewish mentality and German Resolve, the Zionist– He who broke the back of the labor movements and socialism,— which is the goal of National Socialism—(different word for the American Southern Confederacy-the one Anne Coulter loves).
This. Is. Not. A. Spoof. And really not surprising considering her penchant for bizarre revisionist tales:
The koran is the exact same book as the torah and Mohammed is just like Paul of tarses.
The jews are raised to be suicide bombers too, and that abusive cult-programming that is done to jewish children, beginning with genital torture, remains strong even after the religion itself is abandoned. There is no israel really, and there will soon be no jews, I fear, unless the promise of the covenant comes to pass.. the covenant states that free thought will allow the jews to abandon their need for separatism, their obsolete and archaic woman hating religion and join the struggle for human rights first, before any other cult indoctrinated group, because the jews will have had access to higher learning and science and therefore give birth to the rational mind therefore transforming religion by re translating the torah into science.
Whew!!! Mouthfuls came out!!!
Mouthfuls, indeed. Somebody pass the barf bag.
5. Celebrity Group Think: Unintentional Hilarity Ensues
Celebrities don’t seem to realize that it’s neither cool nor ‘edgy’ to be all Truth to Power-y when they are, in fact, The Man™ now. As a result, their pathetic attempts at political discourse are even more hilarious than usual. A group project by Will Ferrell’s Funny or Die, had unintentionally uproarious results. We attempted to watch this clip several times simply to discern just how it was supposed to be funny. Call us cuckoo, but we had assumed that was the goal, as it is from a company called Funny or Die. We swiftly, however, came to the realization that the video must have been based on the latter part of the company’s name and that it was in reference to the “performers” alleged careers. It’s the only conclusion that makes sense, as you will soon see if you can stomach the drivel below:
Complaining about evil profits is particularly amusing coming from actors. A profession wherein the bottom earners scrape by waiting tables. Or, even worse, having to hit up ACORN for a loan and we all know what kind of “service” that entails. Meanwhile, the top earners make obscene amounts of money churning out absolute crap year after year. Case in point: Will Ferrell himself.
Guess what, Will? We, as some of those “Folks” you always pay faux lip service to, believe that you make too much money. Spot us some cash for a video camera and we can make a super cool video too about THAT Crisis ™. Only ours would actually be, you know, funny.
So sorry that real doctors (not just the kind that play them on tv – or in the Rose Garden) and insurance company employees are so dastardly as to try to earn a decent living. In fact, it looks like President Obama is doing his best to soothe your righteous indignation. That whole “saving and creating” jobs thing hasn’t gone so well. We’re pretty sure some insurance company workers have lost their jobs in the “Recovery Act” debacle. Does that ease your alleged mind a bit?
6. It’s Not Rape-Rape If Someone We LIKE Does It
You know, we thought the celebrity Left had reached the lowest nadir with their odious and utter disregard of Mary Jo Kopechne’s life, because her death scored them some sweet, sweet “progressive” policy making. But Hollywood’s reaction to Roman Polanski’s arrest hit a new and disgusting low. The rape of a child is hunky-dory because they dig the guy’s “art” and his so-called liberal thought. First, we were told it wasn’t really rape by that bastion of idiocy, Whoopi Goldberg:
“I know it wasn’t rape-rape. It was something else but I don’t believe it was rape-rape. He went to jail and and when they let him out he was like ‘You know what, this guy’s going to give me a hundred years in jail I’m not staying,’ so that’s why he left.”
Relax, rubes. It was just regular rape, not rape-rape! I suppose they figured “Well, at least he tried not to get her pregnant. What’s a little sodomy? At least that way she wouldn’t be “punished with a baby.” Sheesh! Chill, you uncultured wingnuts! Plus, it’s not like he disagrees with Obama!”
It wasn’t just Whoopi, either. There was an actual petition to Release Polanski:
Woody Allen, David Lynce and Martin Scorsese today added their names to a petition demanding the immediate release of Roman Polanski from detention in Zurich. The director was arrested on Saturday over a three-decade-old underage sex case when he arrived to receive a lifetime achievement award at the city’s film festival.
“Film-makers in France, in Europe, in the United States and around the world are dismayed by this decision,” says the petition, which is co-ordinated by the Société des Auteurs et Compositeurs Dramatiques (SACD), a film industry organisation which also represents performance and visual artists. “It seems inadmissible to them that an international cultural event, paying homage to one of the greatest contemporary film-makers, is used by police to apprehend him,” it adds.
Shocking. Woody Allen protested? Who would have thunk it? I mean, he’s such a paragon of virtue and always looking out for the welfare of children. In his bed, natch.
At least one jury member, producer Henning Molfenter, has now boycotted the festival, with others expected to follow suit. “There is no way I’d go to Switzerland now. You can’t watch films knowing Roman Polanski is sitting in a cell 5km away,” he told the Hollywood Reporter. France’s Society of Film Directors joined in the chorus of disapproval, voicing concern that the arrest “could have disastrous consequences for freedom of expression across the world”.
You sick bastards. Sorry, but there is no other way to say it. If we knew that Polanski was sitting in a cell approximately 10 miles away (we refuse to use your ridiculous metric system, and are sticking with miles) we’d be absolutely thrilled. He is a pedophilic rapist. What do y’all not understand about that?
And “disastrous consequences for freedom of expression?” The freedom to express pedophilia? Drugging and raping (yes, “rape-rape”) a 13-year-old CHILD. Who repeatedly said no. Repeatedly. Who was scared out of her mind, yet this “man” continued to use and abuse her in various ways. Over and over again until he “freely expressed” his own sick enjoyment, for which he felt no remorse. He didn’t even believe he had done anything wrong:
“If I had killed somebody, it wouldn’t have had so much appeal to the press, you see? But… f—ing, you see, and the young girls. Judges want to f— young girls. Juries want to f— young girls. Everyone wants to f— young girls!”
Wow, how enlightened and cultured you all are. No wonder you see yourselves as Better Than Us/Smarter Than Us. You see, we dumb redneck-y Ugly Americans don’t think it is cool to rape kids. It is becoming quite apparent that YOU do. To you, David Letterman’s serial sexual harassment is fine, as are his “knocked up” jokes about 14-year-old girls. That’s just super awesome as long as you hate the kid’s icky Conservative Mommy. Woody Allen statutorily raping his own adopted child is totally cool, too, because he thinks the right way politically and he’s “arty.” And Roman Polanski’s arrest, for pedophilic rape, makes you “dismayed.” The rape itself? No big whoop, right?
You’ve lost your Racist ™ card; it’s been overused and the scanner no longer works. You’ve lost your Sexist/Feminist card due to exposing yourselves with Palin and Kophechne, among others. Now you’ve lost your For The Children card. You do not care about children; in fact, you USE them to further your agendas.
As for Roman Polanski, I so hope he enjoys jail. Don’t worry, Roman. It’s not “rape-rape.”
7. George Clooney Calls His Darfur Involvement ‘Greatest Failure of My Life’
George Clooney, best known for being an arrogant tool, is having a hard time dealing with his failure to end the genocide in Darfur. Seriously, he showed up at fundraisers, met with politicians, and traveled to Africa, all the while exuding his Awesome Clooneyness from every magnificent pore. And yet, the region remains a war torn hellhole. Where did he go wrong?
It would almost feel wrong to knock a guy who at least tries to use his celebrity to help people, but due to his phenomenal arrogance, we’re not losing any sleep. His Majesty shared his delusions of humanitarian grandeur in an interview with The Sun earlier this month:
George says: “I’ve been honoured to be able to lend my celebrity to help wherever I can, especially on behalf of the United Nations.
“But in the case of Darfur it’s been the greatest failure of my life.
“With other people, we’ve been able to get a lot of attention focused on the terrible situation there and nothing has changed. It’s very frustrating.”
Poor guy. We didn’t realize the situation in Sudan was all about him. If only he’d taken a little more time off between films to tell the ignorant masses about the violence and devastation. If only. Hopefully the leftist policies he supports will finally put an end to the genocide so he can sleep at night. But probably not – if his letter writing campaigns and op-eds didn’t end the civil war, what could?
8. Gisele Bundchen Hearts Choice (and Mandatory Breastfeeding)!
It’s almost refreshing when celebrities’ immature, uninformed political opinions have nothing to do with international affairs and economic policy. Except, of course, when a supposedly pro-choice celeb feels the need to share her bizarre, hypocritical vision of worldwide forced breastfeeding. Take it away, Gisele Bundchen:
On a woman’s right to choose abortion:
If she thinks she doesn’t have the money or the emotional condition to raise a child, why should she give birth?
On a woman’s right to choose the best way to feed her baby:
There should be a worldwide law, in my opinion, that mothers should breastfeed their babies for six months.
My body, my choice! Except when a self-important celebrity thinks her choices are way better than yours, of course.
Dear Gisele, That day job? Don’t quit. Love, Jenn and Lori
By Lori Ziganto and Jenn Q. Public
(Originally posted at David Horowitz’s NewsReal Blog)