10 Ways Conservatives Should Give Liberals Exactly What They Want (Part 2)


In the immortal words of the President of the United States,

The American story has never been about things coming easy. It has been about rising to the moment when the moment is hard. About rejecting panicked division for purposeful unity. About seeing a mountaintop from the deepest valley. That is why we remember that some of the most famous words ever spoken by an American came from a president who took office in a time of turmoil: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

I agree entirely!

Both conservatives and liberals need to come together, in purposeful unity, to join hands, sing Kumbaya, and help our left-wing brethren live under the laws and principles that they hold dear.

Some of you may say, “Impossible, it can’t be done!” Maybe you’re right.

Maybe the suggestions from the 10 Ways Conservatives Should Give Liberals Exactly What They Say They Want column from last week and the ones you’re going to read this week just aren’t realistic. But, before you give up, I’d once again like to off up more words of wisdom from our Commander-In-Chief,

We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics who will only grow louder and more dissonant in the weeks to come. We’ve been asked to pause for a reality check. We’ve been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope. But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope. For when we have faced down impossible odds; when we’ve been told that we’re not ready, or that we shouldn’t try, or that we can’t, generations of Americans have responded with a simple creed that sums up the spirit of a people. Yes we can.

Can we give liberals 10 more things that they say they want for everyone else? Yes, we can!

1) Obviously America has a problem creating jobs right now because of greedy businessmen, but there’s an easy remedy. We confiscate the homes of all the liberals who supported Kelo, pay them whatever government officials think is a “fair” rate, and then give the land away to homeless people so they can start their own businesses. Hello, prosperity!

2) Since liberals believe fossil fuels are ruining the planet, they shouldn’t be able to drive oil powered cars. But, never fear! As always, the government will come to the rescue by providing each of them with a free bike!

3) As we all know, criminals are just victims of society, while the police are the real problem! It would be tempting to make liberal cities police-free zones, but perhaps that goes a bit too far. So, from now on, police won’t be allowed to have guns or use any sort of force in left-wing cities. Instead, the police can just use the power of reasoning to talk it out with the criminals and convince them to do the right thing!

4) Liberal students with good grades in college should have points taken off their test scores and given to students who haven’t done quite as well. After all, successful students shouldn’t begrudge sharing their success with those who’ve been less fortunate.

5) When a liberal stands before a judge, that judge should be allowed to put him in prison, let him go, bankrupt him, or do anything he wants based on nothing more than his whims. Why? I got two words for you: “Living Constitution.”

6) As Al Gore noted recently (despite his four children), we need a lot more “fertility management” to keep the population down and save Mother Gaia! Liberals can lead the way by being forced to adopt China’s “one child” policy. Of course, if they make a “mistake” and get pregnant, then they’ll have to “choose” to have an abortion.

7) Every liberal in America should have to get Canadian citizenship and then, when a Republican wins, all of them should have to move there until a Democrat President is re-elected — well, if a Democrat President were ever re-elected.

8) As we’ve learned from the patriotic millionaires, wealthy liberals want to pay higher taxes. So, we should indulge them. Wealthy liberals should pay the same tax rates we had under Jimmy Carter, while other rich people should continue on under the current tax rates.

9) If illegal aliens are just undocumented Americans looking for a better life, then burglars are just undocumented houseguests looking for a better life. That’s why every liberal home should be an unlocked “sanctuary city” for any burglar, homeless person, or crazy-eyed drifter who just needs a place to crash for a little while!

10) Since corporations and the rich get ahead by taking advantage of society, liberals should only be allowed to work for poor people. That might reduce the size of their job market a bit, but their lives would become much more virtuous!

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