“The issue here is not gonna be a list of accomplishments. As you said yourself, Steve, you know, I would put our legislative and foreign policy accomplishments in our first two years against any president — with the possible exceptions of Johnson, F.D.R., and Lincoln.” — Barack Obama
As future generations of Americans look back at the Obama years, perhaps as they search for some sort of explanation for why so many of them are living in huts and paying a 70% income tax rate when the country used to be so rich, they’ll be looking for some key dates and facts. So, in an effort to help future generations, here is a straightforward, entirely factual account of some of the most important moments of the Obama years.
1) Barack Obama Inaugurated (January 20, 2009): Oh, it was such a hopeful, glorious, unified moment. Cats and dogs, Fox and MSNBC, Republicans and Democrats — we were all in it together and rooting Obama on towards victory……….which brings up some obvious questions like: How did Barack Obama squander so much goodwill and what did he do to make so many Americans hate him?
2) Barack Obama throws out the first pitch at the All-Star game (July 14, 2009): On this date, the hippest man ever to occupy the White House revolutionized fashion in America at Major League Baseball’s All-Star game. Ever heard of mom jeans? Well, Barack Obama wore them to the All-Star game and that, combined with his girlish throwing motion, caused moms across America to copy the mom-in-chief – and that is how Barack Obama created mom jeans!
3) Obamacare passes (March 21, 2010): In one fell swoop, Barack Obama managed to cripple American healthcare, put the medical insurance industry on suicide watch, stall the economy, and empower the IRS and unelected death panels to get involved in your health care. If you were looking for comparable bad decisions from other world leaders, you’d probably need to go back to Napoleon’s decision to invade Russia during the winter or Nero’s decision to play the lyre on his balcony while Rome was burning instead of organizing a fire brigade. (In all fairness to Nero, that may be a rumor. For any future generations that are wondering what went so wrong with healthcare, contrary to what your liberal schoolteachers are telling you, George W. Bush was not responsible for “Obamacare.” It really was Obama.)
4) Osama Bin Laden (May 2, 2011) was killed: In what undoubtedly was Barack Obama’s greatest moment, a bunch of scared, wimpy SEALs came to him and said, “We’ve figured out where Osama Bin Laden is, but we think we shouldn’t go get him because we’re afraid!” That was undoubtedly how most other Americans would have felt as well because as Obama’s team has told us constantly, he made a “gutsy call” to kill Osama. So obviously, those SEAL pansies had to be pushed into killing him, a wimp like John McCain wouldn’t have done it, and hundreds of millions of Americans who were angry about 9/11 wouldn’t have had cojones as big as President Mom-Jeans since he made such an incredibly “gutsy call.”
5) NASA had its last manned space flight (July 21, 2011): America’s “science President” moved America “forward” by cancelling our manned space program, which actually takes us all the way “backward” to 1960, the year before this country had its first crewed spaceflight. Hooray! We’ve gone backwards fifty years under Obama which takes us “forward”…or something.
6) America loses its AAA credit rating (August 5, 2011): For the first time since 1917, America had its credit rating downgraded from AAA by Standard & Poor’s. Despite Barack Obama’s call telling S&P that Tea Partiers must have spent all those trillions of dollars while he was out of the White House golfing and his promise that “We’ll pay it all back when our next paycheck comes in, we swear”, S&P refused to take Obama’s record-breaking deficit numbers off the books.
7) Barack Obama increases the national debt more in 3 years and 2 months than George Bush did in two terms (March 18, 2012): Despite delivering the “feeblest economic recovery since the Great Depression,” Barack Obama managed to rack up more debt in 38 months than George W. Bush did in 96 months. That’s sort of like putting down enough money to buy a Lamborghini and getting a used Dukes of Hazzard remote control toy car in return.
8) “You didn’t build that.” (July 13, 2012): In a revolutionary speech — well, for the President of a capitalistic country anyway — Barack Obama explained how the markets work. Apparently, the government provides roads, street signs, and regulations and in response, small businesses spring up to provide jobs and tax revenue without any individual effort, sort of like mushrooms after a night of hard rain.
9) Barack Obama’s had a Las Vegas Fundraiser (September 12, 2012): One day after Libyan Ambassador Chris Stevens and three other Americans died because the Obama Administration ignored numerous warnings that they were in danger, Barack Obama jetted off to a fundraiser in Las Vegas. There were fears that four Americans dying because of Obama’s incompetence might spoil the mood, but all reports seem to indicate that a good time was had by all.
10) Barack Obama gets demolished in his first head-to-head debate with Mitt Romney (October 3, 2012): Surprisingly, Barack Obama, whom the mainstream media has christened as the most warm, charismatic, cool, confident, competent and good looking President in American history, was soundly defeated (as in Genghis Khan’s forces managed to soundly defeat the unarmed farmers who opposed him) by Mitt Romney, who is often fondly described as “robotic, but in a good way” by his supporters. The explanations for this inexplicable defeat ranged from “The air in Denver was too thin for him,” to “Jim Lehrer didn’t ask Obama enough questions about how wonderful he is,” to “Do you think he’s high again? I mean, I wouldn’t put it past him – and, wow, would it explain a LOT OF THINGS about his presidency.”