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Woman Speaks To Cat Like It Was A Human Being

Written By : John Hawkins
January 1, 2012

Fargo, North Dakota ‘ 39 year old divorcee Laura Bingham had a discussion with her cat today about her recent breakup with her boyfriend — as if he could understand what she was talking about.

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“Brandon was such a jerk. I mean he never considered what I wanted, it always all about fulfilling Brandon’s needs. Did he ever think that I might like to pick out what movie we went too or what type of food we ordered in once in a while?”

In response to Laura’s question, Scratch stared vacantly at the wall and then began to lick his paw, completely unaware that his mistress had been addressing him.

Yet, Bingham continued…

“Life is just a b*tch sometimes ya know” sniffled Bingham while trying not to break into tears “I really liked him too. I bet he’s out with little miss “I’m 24 and just out of college” right now. He’s a 41 year old man and she’s just to young for him. You know Scratch?

Indeed Scratch didn’t know, because he was cat and was therefore unable to understand human speech. Scratch merely licked himself, oblivious to Bingham’s ramblings about her boyfriend.

Bingham kicked the couch and stood up startling Scratch who sprang to his feet, unsure of whether to fight or flee.

“This is going to be a turning point for me Scratch! Tomorrow I’m starting a diet and I’m going back to the gym. After I lose 10 pounds and tighten up a bit, Brandon will be dying to go out with me. Talking to his little chippie about “Britney Spears” and “Buffy Vampire Slayer” for a few weeks will bore him out of his mind and then he’ll want some real conversation. But you know what? I’m going to tell him “no way!” Then I’m going to go find a man who treats me right! That’s a plan isn’t it Scratch?”

Scratch however, long since becoming bored with licking himself, had begun playing with a catnip scented ball on the floor and was utterly and completely unaware that Bingham was speaking to him as if he were a human being, capable of listening to and understanding complex interpersonal issues.

Bingham walked over and picked up her cat and persisted in speaking to him as if he were something other than an animal with a brain the size of a walnut.

Bingham smiled broadly as she said “You would never leave me for another woman would you Scratch?”

“That’s right, you sure wouldn’t” said Bingham despite the fact that Scratch was merely a cat and was therefore unable to answer her question. Crushing Scratch to her chest in a bear hug, Bingham exclaimed “I love you so much my little Scratch and I know you love me too.” Scratch failed to retuned Bingham’s heartfelt expression of love and merely squirmed to get free so he could go back to playing with his catnip laden ball.

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