BKW’s foreign correspondents have put together an article to inform the public where nations across the world stand on the “War Against Terrorism”.
Afghanistan: Can we negotiate here? What if we send Osama to Iraq for trial? No? We’ll turn him over to you if you give us a note from his mother? No? We’ll trade you Osama for a dodo egg, a live unicorn, and the Lost Ark of the Covenant? No? As a compromise, why don’t you stop bombing us while we screw and pretend to be cooperating? No? What if we said please with sugar on it? No?
Australia: The Aussies are spoiling to get into this little dickery doo! The Aussies have mobilized the third Koala bear battalion, the division X boomerang squad, the Men at Work Kangeroo platoon, and the Croc hunter naval fleet ‘O’ Doom!
Bangladesh: In the Brass Knuckles Guide to the World I said of Bangladesh “Nowhere in the world is there a larger group of backwards sad sacks than in Bangladesh.” Bangladesh did little to improve their reputation by having pro-Osama Bin Laden rallies featuring posters of Bin Laden posing with BURT FROM SESAME STREET (I’m not joking). At this time there’s no word from Bangladesh if they’ll be supporting any more terrorist puppets.
Brazil: Hahahaha…Who cares what Brazil thinks about anything?
Canada: Do you remember that Shake and Bake commercial where the cute little 4 year old girl thinks she helped make dinner while actually doing nothing useful? When you think of the Canadian military, think of that little girl.
China: President Bush has declared China to be a partner in the war on terrorism. Betrayals are expected to drop 25%!
Egypt: Egypt is trying to appear friendly to US while deciding whether it would be better to slip a knife between the US’s shoulder blades or whether they should aim for the less protected lower back.
France: As usual, the French are humiliated because they look like huge wussies compared to the Brits. However, the French are always ready to guard our rear as long as we’re sure that there isn’t going to be any fighting in the rear.
Germans: On one hand, Germany would like to help with the war on terrorism. On the other hand, there’s still a lot of residual anger at the US from that whole “WW2 thing” when we stopped them from taking over the world. As a result Germany is already losing interest in the whole thing and is ready to get back to dogfighting France for “chief bureaucrat of the EU” honors.
Iran: Right now Iranians are having rallies where they chant “Death to America”. After we finish with Afghanistan and Iraq don’t be surprised if they start chanting “Please stop bombing us.”
Iraq: All the Iraqi citizens who can’t get out of the country are getting their white flags ready and trying to figure out how to say in English…”We surrender! We love Mickey Mouse and Microsoft! Long Live George W. Bush!”
Israel: Despite the fact that Israel’s whole nation is smaller than a Kmart parking lot, Israel is, willing, ready, willing, capable, willing, did I mention willing, to kick any nation’s ass in Middle East if the US will let them.
Kuwait: Kuwait’s gratitude to the US for saving them from Iraq in the Gulf War has made them the laughing stock of the Middle East. Everyone knows that only chumps appreciate the US helping them out and that being ungrateful “assholes” when the US helps you is what all the “cool” nations do.
Lebanon: If the Middle East were a Batman comic book, Syria would be the Penguin and Lebanon would be one of his evil henchmen named Lefty. Needless to say, it’s hard to take any nation seriously that lets Syria push them around.
Libya: Back in the 80′s Muammar Ghaddafi got on Ronald Reagan’s bad side for sponsoring a terrorist attack. Reagan responded by blowing up Ghaddafi’s palace in retaliation. Ghaddafi is being real cooperative this time just in case the Alzheimer’s is a front and the Gipper is secretly hanging out in the white house and getting ready to jump back into action.
Mexico: It’s funny that the Americans gringos got hit with a terrorist attack. Hahahahaha! Hey, wait a second, this doesn’t effect our aid does it? What do the Americans mean they are closing off the border? Oh this is BS! Boo terrorists, boo, boo, terrorists suck!!
Norway: Are these guys still a nation? Hasn’t someone taken these guys over yet? You have got to be kidding me.
Occupied Territories (Palestinians): Added cheering Bin Laden and protesting the US to their regularly scheduled terrorist attacks, rioting, and protesting of Israel.
Pakistan: Pakistani extremists are busy burning down their own businesses and killing each other because they’re mad at the US. Look for the national flag of Pakistan to be changed to a man cutting off his own nose to spite his face.
Saudi Arabia: Saudi Arabia is desperately trying to figure out how to look like they’re completely behind the US while doing absolutely nothing to actually help.
Sweden: Whether it’s the Axis vs. the Allies or the Western world vs. terrorists, the Swedes are determined to keep their title as the world’s most useless nation in a crisis.
Syria: A pathetic loser nation that is known for being more arrogant than the French, having more terrorists per square inch than Iraq, and being worse liars than the Chinese government.
Turkey: The Turks are trying to figure out the best way to make a pitch to the West to re-establish the Ottoman empire. “Well when we ran everything in the Middle East there sure weren’t any problems with terrorists. The Ottoman empire just didn’t put up with that sort of crap. Wouldn’t it be great if we ran everything in the Middle East again? We’re a member of NATO for God’s sake.”
Zimbabwe: Zimbabwe is considering siding with the Taliban because although we’re bombing Afghanistan, they heard that food drops were involved.