Are you a bored millionaire playboy? An evolutionarily deviant offshoot from humanity? A time traveler from the future armed with a deadly plethora of high-tech weaponry? A Norse God fallen to Earth in mortal form destined to return gloriously to the halls of Valhalla? A genetically engineered super-soldier? Perhaps you are a demon who has turned on his dark masters? The proud owner of 60 foot tall exo-skeleton equipped with tactical nuclear warheads and bio-armor plating? An alien from another planet? Are you imbued with magical powers? The sole surviving member of your clan, entrusted with the ancient arts of your people and mystical katana that glows with the souls of your ancestors? Are you a super-genius turned super-human by your own botched experiment? An escaped cyborg prototype? A robot able to take the form of a sportscar or large truck? A powerful interdimensional psychic vampire? Do you need a job? If you said yes, then we have the job for you. The Town Council of Oxford Pennsylvania has voted to secure, for the protection of our community, a superhero.

- A responsible vigilante hero willing to work with local law enforcement agencies to subdue the significant criminal element dwelling within the seedy underbelly of our town.

- A personable hero who can work independently of their own accord without direction of supervision. (Not to be confused with Super Vision: A super power imbuing the possessor with unnatural powers of sight)

- The power of wingless flight is preferred, but not required. Winged Heroes will be not be considered due to the religious implications that the people of Oxford just aren't willing to deal with at this time. We're good Christians.

- No angst-ridden anti-heroes. We want a genuine role-model, not someone who spends all of his time moping about the motivation for his good deeds. That means if you can't cope with the childhood deaths of your parents at the hands of your darkest foe, maybe Oxford isn't the place for you. Besides, if you couldn't save them, what makes you think you'll be able to save us? We don't want an over-emotional superman motivated by a thirst for vengeance and past failures.

- Our hero must have a strong moral code and a healthy work ethic. That said, he must be willing to put the needs of our community before his own. This may require him to swallow explosives, slow the velocity of an Earth-shattering asteroid flying at ungodly speeds towards our cozy little hamlet, or throw himself between arguing teenage girls with acrylic nails.

- Typing skills are an absolute must have for this job. Our state of the art crime-solving computer has compiled a criminal database of over 20 known criminals in our area. Ever heard of the Walter Boys? They damn near took a barn down last year and they spray painted all over Herb's cows. You'll be able to find their full dossier on your new Dell computer system complete with a CD-ROM and Windows operating system.

- We'd like you to have a solid and well-rounded education. An illiterate behemoth throwing cars around does very little to encourage our children to strive towards higher learning. We'd like our youth to learn philosophy instead of being schooled in the dark art of bonecrushing combat.

- A flattering and reliable reference from a the mayor of your previous municipal protectorate. Reputation is important, the more evil you've thwarted, the better. We hope that having you here will deter future citizens from following the crooked path of evil and sticking to the straight and narrow path of good.

- We here in Oxford firmly believe in racial equality, our town being host to one of the oldest African American colleges in the country. We expect our hero to be conscious of racial sensitivity. If you're in engaged in melee with an enemy, remember that no matter the color of his skin, your opponent still bruises. Don't single out opponents on the basis of ethnicity and promote racial equality at every turn. Only through setting an example can you make a difference. Reminding an all Black gang of vampires bent on overthrowing the government that Latinos, Whites and Asians can be infused with the dark gift too is a good start. Inform your enemies that they are limited by their bias, and they will be stronger for their acceptance of others. Don't let racial equality stop with humans though, remember mutants and aliens and robots and celestial beings of all shapes and sizes should be included in every community, even a shadowy one bent on the planetary enslavement of human-kind.

- A male superhero. While we are aware that often times female superheroes are gifted with powers that far outstrip their male counterparts, we feel that a scantily clad vixen shooting lightning from her fingertips would undermine the sense of social dignity we have worked to establish over the years. A woman unleashing a blast of psychokinetic energy or hefting a plasma rifle drawn from the magical pouch hidden beneath her writhing cloak is a bit much for the people of our town to stomach. Why can't she have the power to drive the kids to soccer practice at a reasonable speed? Or to cook a roast so juicy it falls apart in your mouth? She should be using her frost breath to chill her husbands beer instead of freezing bank robbers in their tracks. We've got a family town and we don't want some blue-haired broadsword swinging hussy to mess that up by tantalizing all the men-folk.

- We'd also like you to shoot laser beams from your eyes if that's possible.

What is our town like? Oxford is a small rural town in south-eastern Pennsylvania and is estimated to have anywhere from 20 to 24 cut-throat criminals. Our police force numbering 35 is unable to keep up with the ripening fruit of corruption rotting away at the core of our community. We're almost positive that there is at least one Supervillian in the region. This fiend has been responsible for the closing of several local businesses and a general droop in the economy. We worry that the recent "liquidation" of the Ames department store is only the beginning of a more grandiose plan of world wide economic instability.

In order to make you more comfortable with us, we have recently completed construction of a catacombic maze of sewers beneath the streets of town, which you may feel free to live in at no cost to you. By next year we'll also have a poorly shielded nuclear power plant, a chemical factory, several abandoned warehouses, a swanky night club frequented by top Crimebosses, an unholy portal leading to a lake of fire and an asylum for the criminally insane. You'll be happy to know, it's all for you.

As our hero you would be expected to stop any and all supervillians who would plan to use the Oxford area in a scheme for world domination. Any such scheme would be dealt with swiftly, judiciously and without mercy. We want their spilled blood to send a message to other would be Arch-Nemesis that we don't take any crap from caped hoodlums or thier lackeys. The protection of our community would rest squarely on your shoulders, any failure could lead to our doom and we take that very seriously. In the event that you become a suspect in crime yourself, you would be considered guilty until proven otherwise & we may also have to shoot you. This is nothing personal, it's just that you can't trust some freak in a mask with the lives of your friends and family... and you are a freak.

You are also a role-model for our youth. You will also be expected to speak twice a year to our elementary school students about the dangers of becoming henchmen for Supervillians and Crimelords. You will also coach the Girl's Softball Team, you have superpowers, and we expect results.

Quite frankly the citizens of Oxford are tired of the litterers, the jay walkers, the shoplifters, and the Immortal Ninja Assassins of the Wu-Xiang clan wielding spirit weapons and stealing shadows from hapless citizens to extend their own unnatural existence. We need your help, and we hope that you are the hero to save us. We are aware that Oxford doesn't boast the same diversity of brooding evil that some larger cities claim, but I can assure you that we strive constantly to create a more cosmopolitan setting to attract a wider array of criminal elements. You can expect working in Oxford to be a rewarding experience rich with the opportunities to smite evil-doers of all kinds. We're sure that once we have you on our side, there's no possible way that we could lose the battle for truth, justice and the American way.

Working hours are flexible, and the salary is negotiable. Please send your applications and resumes to the Oxford Area Town Council for review. Please, no sidekicks.

If you liked this satire by Ozrael you can see more of his work at the Electric Reel (there is some obscene language and objectionable material on this page).

© Copyright 2001-2010 John Hawkins
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