I managed to get a hold of Satan, Prince of Darkness, Evil incarnate for this revealing interview.

Ozrael: Good Morning Satan

Satan: Hi Oz, I would really prefer Lucifer, Satan sounds so harsh

Ozrael: Okay... Lucifer. Do you mind if I get started?

Satan: No, by all means fire-up.

Ozrael: Will do, but before we get started I would like to establish a disclaimer "Nothing I, Ozrael, say in the course of this interview should be constituted or interpretted as giving you, Lucifer, permission to take possession of, harness the power of, or otherwise cause me to relinquish my soul.

Satan: *Smiles sheepishly* I'm not that low Oz.

Ozrael: Just covering my bases.

Satan: I understand. So what would you like to know?

Ozrael: I think I'll get right to the meat of all the contraversy. What's the real story about your breakup with God?

Satan: Well, God and I were on very good terms for a long time, in fact we'd decided to start a band. We started off okay, we seemed to be on the same vibe with the first album, then things just got out of hand, God had a drinking problem and I... well let's just say the ladies thought I was hot. So to make a long story short one day when we were in the studio, I told God, who was drunk, I was leaving the band. He didn't take it well, and we started to argue... a few punches were thrown and bam, next thing you know he has me packing my bags.

Ozrael: That's not the same story that's in the Bible.

Satan: Well, that was written by a third person. I'm sure you've never noticed either God or myself authorizing or endorsing it. I think this whole thing has been blown way out of proportion.

Ozrael: Well, thanks for clearing that up. So you are the Prince of Darkness Ruler of Hell aren't you? Just to clarify.

Satan: Yes I am.

Ozrael: So what are your responsibilities?

Satan: Well, it's mostly desk work, catalogueing sins and penance, filing souls etc... With all the people going to Hell these days I think I'm going to have to hire an assistant?

Ozrael: And what type of qualities would you be looking for in this assistant?

Satan: They'd have to be honest, hardworking, humble, motivated and typing skills are a must.

Ozrael: Wow, Hell must be really busy, when do you find time for yourself?

Satan: Well, on a slow day I can go out and have fun.

Ozrael: And what do you do for fun? Corrupt? Swindle?

Satan: Actually no, my job isn't all about that, though causing decay within the human soul is a large facet. I spend alot of my free time doing probono work.

Ozrael: Probono? What type of probono work do you do?

Satan: I run a small soup kitchen in a less fortunate area of Boston.

Ozrael: So you help these people out of the, dare I say it, "goodness" of your heart?

Satan: Yes, Chicken Soup For Your Soul, that's the name, is all about giving back to the community. We want to help improve and renew the inner-city. We want to take back the streets.

Ozrael: Your scamming them out of their souls aren't you Satan...

Satan:...yes... want some soup?

Ozrael: I think I'll pass...

Satan: Suit yourself, it IS only the BEST soup ever *smiles sinisterly*

Ozrael: Nope, my mother always said not to take soup from the Beast, and you are the Beast.

Satan: Come on that's laaaame, you mamma's boy!

Ozrael: Hey SATAN! I don't have to take this s*** from you flamer!

Satan: I told you to *dives at Ozrael* call me Lucifer *gets Oz in a headlock* take it back! *gives Ozrael a searing noogie*

Ozrael: You Pigf*****, get the Hell off me!

Satan: Take it back!

Ozrael: Screw you!

Satan: Go to Hell!

Ozrael: You first!

Satan: Take it back!

Ozrael: *Elbows Satan in the nuts... but they aren't there* What the hell!

Satan: *lets go and adjusts his (?) tie.* I think I should leave.

Ozrael: I think you have some explaining to do!

Satan: *Gives Ozrael the finger as he leaves*

Ozrael: *Throws a chair at the back of Satans head, it hits*

Satan: Why you stupid b**** *runs in and tackles Ozrael*

Ozrael: I'm gonna kick you're ass LUCY!

Satan: Don't call me Lucy!

Ozrael: LUCY, LUCY, LUCY... LUCY!!!!

Satan: *Knees Ozrael in the Stomach* Take it back!

Ozrael: *Punches Satan in the teeth*

Satan: *Cries like a little girl and runs out of the room*

Ozrael: *Yelling after Satan* WHO'S YOU'RE DADDY NOW HOE!

EDITORS NOTE: AFTER BATTLING THE LORD OF THE PIT I DECIDED TO TAKE A NAP, I WAS ABSOLUTELY WEARY. HE DID LEAVE A MESSAGE ON MY MACHINE APOLOGIZING FOR HIS BEHAVIOR. SO I GUESS SATAN ISN'T THAT BAD OF A GUY, BUT HE IS KIND OF A SUCK UP. HE'S JUST MAD BECAUSE I WHOOPED HIS UNHOLY CANDY-ASS.