Herc deserved a little payback. What if he were to have a little "accident" out adventuring with me? It wouldn't take much more than a mid-sized mob of monsters to....

Suddenly an arm was around my shoulder "My friend, how it that you have not visited Gheed as of yet?" A greasy little voice exclaimed. "Look at my wares! I have the finest goods for adventurers like you!" The annoying little man was almost dragging me over to his shop. If he'd noticed Steve and Gork following behind me, he didn't seem to show it. I flexed my hands, I suppose I did need some new gloves. Gheed immediately noticed my threadbare gloves " We have wonderful gloves for sale. Look at this pair. Only 25,000 coins."

I sputtered "25,000 coins? For that they must allow you to crap thunder and pee lightning."

Gheed scratched himself in a private place "No, actually they are unidentified. So maybe they are really only worth a 1000 coins and maybe 50,000 coins."

A confused look crossed my face "Well why don't we just get it identified and see? It'll only cost 100 coins."

Again, Gheed scratched himself. Uggghhgh "My friend, the mystery, the adventure, that's 1/2 the reason to buy! Tell you what, give me 25,000 coins and you can take these gloves home right now" Gheed stuck out his hand "Let's shake on it."

I backed away from his hand like it was on fire. "No thanks Gheed, I'll see you later" I quickly left. I could take corpses, I could take blood golems, I could take...then I noticed Steve was eating another fly off of Gork's head. Sigh. It would be a long day. But....this did give me an idea...maybe I was going about this whole thing wrong with Charsi and Herc. Hey, I use magic day in and day out right? Maybe a love potion is the answer. Yeah..that Akara..she deals with potions. I headed off to talk to her.

Akara scowled "Tsk, tsk, tsk. You men are all alike. You see a pretty face and all thoughts of consequences go out the window. Well, I will give you the love potion that will make Charsi fall in love with you. But you must complete a quest for me."

"Uh a quest?" I said?

Akara smiled "Yes, you must find my old friend Deckard Cain and free him from an army of monsters in Tristam"

I hesitated for a moment "So how do I get there?"

Akara replied "First you must go into the Dark Wood, which you will find through the underground passage."

I crossed my arms "Uh-huh" Akara continued "Then must find the magical tree of Inifuss, peel off a magical bark scroll and then head back to the Stony Fields where you'll find the legendary Cairn Stones. By following the mystical directions on the scroll you will either be instantly transported to Tristam where you'll fight a legion of monsters in an attempt to rescue Cain or to some evil netherworld where you'll spend all of eternity being torn to pieces over and over again" My mouth hit my chest. Akara giggled "I was just kidding about the Netherworld part, hehehehehe." An angry look passed over my face. " Remember I have the potion" She waved the love potion in front of my face.

I sighed "Already, gimmie the potion already, we have a deal." I had the potion, now it was time to get down to business "All right, now I'll need maps to this "tree of ickiwhoose" and these "caring stones".

Akara shook her head "There are no maps, no one knows how to get there."

I slapped my forehead. "You people have lived around here all your lives, how can you not have maps?"

Akara shrugged her shoulders "I don't know."

I groaned "So nobody has a map? Nobody at all? Come on..you can make potions that magically heal people, cure poison, that explode but no one here can make a simple map?"

Akara frowned "Give it a rest already. Do you want the potion or not?"

I slipped the potion into my belt "Yeah I want it...I'll be back..with Cain"

It took two days of constant fighting and searching but I finally I stepped through the mystic red portal in the heart of the caring stones into Tristam. Hordes of skeletons and fallen went down to Steve, Gork, and I. Then at last I fought my way over to a caged man. It could only be Deckard Cain, the last horadric scholar. I opened his cage and helped him out.

"Cain I came to get you out of here. We need to get you to safety, because there may be more monsters about." I created a portal back to the Rogue Encampment.

Meanwhile, Cain reached over to shake my hand. "You young adventurer are a warrior! I've never seen such brillance in combat."

I gave a quick nod "Thank you Cain. But we need to get you out of here. There may be more monsters about. Step through the portal"

Cain continued "But a sad day it is here in Tristam. Look at the town scorched and burnt to the ground. And all my friends..poor, poor, young Wirt.."

I interrupted "Yeah, I'm sorry to hear about all that but we need to get out of here before anyone else shows up."

Cain blathered on "I remember just 29 short years ago here in Tristam. Ah it seemed like yesterday.."

I yelled "Look out Cain! It's 7 summoners or 3 demons coming over the hill, I'm not really sure which."

Cain tried to look all around "Where? Where?" I immediately kicked him the butt as hard as I could and knocked him face first through the portal. Somehow, that just felt right. I walked through behind him. Akara was satisifed. I headed over to see Charsi with the potion. Tonight, Charsi would be mine. As I got near her shop I heard crying..it was Charsi. She was softly sobbing.

I walked over to her "Charsi, what's wrong?"

Charsi sniffled "The Horadric Malus..it's magic and my father gave it to me, it's an heirloom, and he would be so disapointed I lost it in the monastery when the monsters attacked and..." She started crying hopelessly and put her head on my shoulder "Big Herc was my only hope to get it back. But when I asked him tonight he said...he said I was crowding him and that he needed his space. He dumped me and he went out with Flavie tonight..WAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

I sighed "Shhh..don't worry..uh...I'll get it back for you."

Charsi looked up at me with those big, beautiful eyes "I can't ask you do that...I don't want you to get hurt. I know Big Herc could handle anything but I couldn't put someone else in that postion."

A determined look crossed my face "Don't worry. I'll get your hammer back. Do you have a map to the monastery?"

Charsi looked confused "A map? Uh...." I sighed "Nevermind, don't worry...I'll get your hammer back." Charsi hugged me "Thank you so much."

As Steve, Gork, and I walked back towards the makeshift camp I'd set up I pondered how I always ended up doing these quests but I knew...Charsi, Charsi, Charsi..sigh. I pulled the potion out of my belt. I looked at it..I knew I could never use that on her..I tossed the potion into the grass..not after looking into those dreamy blue eyes...deep, pretty..like the bottom of a clear summer lake with the sunlight reflecting off of it and...Oh God!! What am I talking about!!! I really needed to kill someone about right now. Where was Big Herc when I needed him? I heard Gork squeeling and whining behind me...

Steve had the love potion open and was trying to push open Gork's mouth and make him drink it. "D@mnit Steve you idiot, stop that!" I reached over and took the potion from Steve and then smacked him on the back of the head. "This is not a toy. Who knows what would happen if Gork had drank this? I mean....ahhhhh....idea." An evil grin crossed my face. Suddenly I had a plan to take care of some loose ends. Tonight I'd sleep, tomorrow I'd grab Charsi's hammer and then....Andariel.

I got an early start and found the monastery about mid-afternoon. It was about what I expected. A bunch of pathetic fallen, skeletons, and other assorted butt-monkeys who fell down everytime I breathed on one of them. We finally found "The Smith" who was guarding Charsi's hammer. It started with him talking trash and ended with Gork splattering his head like a melon on the floor and Steve making snow angels in the gore from his corpse. Normally I yelled at them for stuff like that but I was busy finding the hammer. Once I had it in hand, it was back to the camp. Tomorrow, I intended to kill Andariel and move on.

I arrived back in the Rogue Camp and headed towards Charsi's shop carrying the Horadric Malus.

I ran into Big Herc outside of Charsi's door. "Hey little buddy, what you got there? Ooooh..is that the hammer Charsi wanted? How about doing me a little favor?"

I tapped my foot and leaned against a nearby post "And that would be?"

Big Herc continued "Well Charsi and I had a little falling out and I went out with Flavie last night. Well it didn't go so well. Flavie called me an egotistical, uncouth jerk. Can you believe anyone would say that about the Big Herc? Anyway, I really need to impress Charsi to make up for the fight we had and if I were to bring her that hammer and tell her that I went and got it for her.."

"Ah" I exclaimed " Sure you can have the hammer but be careful of this magic inscription on the head of the hammer. It could be dangerous for a barbarian." Big Herc strained to see. I held the hammer up "Here on the head, look closer"

Big Herc's nose was almost touching the head of hammer "Where's the inscription? I don't see it." I thrust the head of the hammer directly upwards. It hit Big Herc's nose with a loud crunching noise. He dropped like a sack of anvils and wailed like a banshee "IEIEIEIEIIEEIIEI".

I chuckled "Wow you're dumb. Steve wouldn't even fall for that and he's been dead for years."

Steve chimed in "Wicki, wicki, wicki, weeeee".

I laughed "Yeah what an idiot".

Charsi came out because of the noise. "What's going on?" Akara, Flavie, and dozen other women came over drawn by the noise.

Big Herc valiantly tried to stem the flow of blood from his nose as he stood up "Well the Big Herc just tripped while he was..."

I interrupted "Ahem, I broke the Big Herc's nose. Sorry, I didn't know he'd wake everyone up. Charsi, your hammer Milady...."

Charsi's face lit up " The Horadric Malus!!!" She gave me a big hug. "I knew we had at least one real hero in the camp." Big Herc looked wounded by Charsi's words.

He spoke up "Now Charsi everyone knows the Big Herc doesn't fear anything. After all, he's.."

Akara broke in "Actually Big Herc, it was the Necromancer who killed Blood Raven. It was the Necromancer who freed Cain. It was the Necromancer who brought back Charsi's hammer. What have you done?"

Big Herc stammered "Well, you see...uh.."

I cut in "Ladies, let's not judge Big Herc too harshly. Tomorrow I face Andariel and I could always use another experienced adventurer along. So what do say Big Herc? Want to come with me?"

Big Herc gulped. He looked around. Everyone was looking at him expectantly to see his reply. "Sure little buddy. Andariel will die tomorrow...at the hands of...BIG HERC...and his little buddy."

I smiled. "Great. See you tomorrow. Bright and early." I said my goodnights and headed back to my bed. Tomorrow was the day.

Steve, Gork, the Big Herc and I headed out after Andariel. Big Herc did a masterful job of guarding the rear and making sure no monsters outflanked us while Steve, Gork, and I dispatched everything up front.

We were taking a brief rest in the catacombs. Soon we'd be to Andariel.

Big Herc looked nervous. "So little buddy, I heard Andariel is pretty tough. How are we going to kill her?"

I laughed "I'm not worried about it." I pulled out the love potion "You see this? It's an invincibility potion. The person that drinks this is impervious to harm to 5 minutes. Totally invincible. When I see her, I'm quaffing this down and taking her out. I will forever more be known as the legendary necromancer who killed Andariel." Big Herc looked longingly at the potion. I grabbed it off of my belt "Steve I'm afraid this thing is going to break on my belt. Could you hold it?"

Steve replied "Wooka wee". I shook my head "Ah, no pants, that's right."

Big Herc volunteered "Ya know the Big Herc would be happy to help out and hold onto that for you."

I looked at the potion "Well I suppose that would work out ok. But I can count on you to give it to me when we run into Andariel right?"

The Big Herc winked and pointed at me with both hands "Sure little buddy, what are friends for?"

I said "Ok then, here you go Big Herc. Let's go get Andariel" The 4 of us went marching down the hall...

We stood outside of a huge door. From everything I'd heard. This would be Andariel's lair. I nodded to Gork and he opened the door. There she stood. Andariel herself. I looked to Big Herc "Quick, give me the potion."

Big Herc pulled out the potion "Sorry little buddy. Don't worry, you can tell everyone you knew Big Herc, the legend who slew Andariel!" Big Herc drank all of the potion in one gulp and stepped forward. Andariel moved to meet him. They stood 3 feet from each other as Steve, Gork and I watched the show.

Andariel roared like thunder "Puny mortal, you dare to face Andariel, princess of Hell?"

A glazed look came into Big Herc's eyes "Princess of Hell, more like princess of my heart! Give the Big Herc some sugar baby." Andariel opened her mouth as if to speak and then closed it and looked confused. Big Herc stepped closer "That leathery skin, those hooves...you make the Big Herc's heart go pitter patter." Big Herc advanced and Andariel backed up. Big Herc lept forward and hugged Andariel. Then he puckered up "C'mon baby, you know you wanna kiss the Big Herc. Once you've had a little of the Big Herc's tongue in your mouth, you'll never want another."

Andariel's eyes grew large, her jaws unhinged, and her mouth seemed to grow impossibly large. With an incredible snap she bit down and tore Big Herc's face off. She dropped his twitching corpse to the floor and looked towards me with her lips still dripping blood. She snarled "Anyone else want to play kissyface?" Though highly amused, I still had a job to do.

I glared back at her. "You know I never really liked him so I'll make you a deal. If you pack up your bags, hit the road back to Hell, and promise never to come back, I won't put my size 11 steel boot in your @ss."

Andariel roared and then charged in...these chumps never learned.....

I'm following Diablo's trail to Lut Gholein with a merchant I met in the encampment named Warriv. Unfortunately, that blowhard Cain decided to tag along. He's been telling Gork and Steve stories about Tristam for 4 hours now. Steve actually fell asleep at one point. I honestly didn't know it was possible for a skeleton to fall asleep. I skipped out of town after killing Andariel without talking to Charsi. She had a life here and deserved better than a nameless necromancer who was looking to pick a fight with Diablo himself. Maybe when it was over I'd come back and get to know her a little better. On the other hand I supposed I could just kill her and then raise her corpse from the dead and then...just kidding..a little necromancer humor there.....I laid my head down and drifted off to sleep thinking of Charsi...

Click here to go to "The Necromancer Diary: Lut Gholein."

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