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Kneecapping Barack Obama at every opportunity. | ||
Tomorrow I visit the Rogue Encampment for the first time. It'll be the first step in tracking down Diablo and shoving him back into whatever smelly hole he crawled out of. I'd heard many brave adventurers had tried and failed to stop the Hellswarm that had driven these brave warrior women back into an armed camp. When dawn comes, I, Steve (my skeleton), and Gork (my blood golem), will face the very hosts of Hell outside of the Rogue Encampment.....
Steve stepped on another quill rat. He squashed it's head and punted it across the Stony Field we were roaming through. I sighed again. "What the Hell am I doing here killing rats?" I said to no one imparticular. "I'm a fully trained Necromancer." I shook my head. I heard some low moaning. A horde of zombies shambled around a bush towards us. I readied my bone wand. Time for a little action with some real monsters to fight. Steve and Gork were poised for action and.....boy these things were slow. I started tapping my feet impatiently waiting for the zombies to reach us. Slowly, surely, they slowly inched their way towards us. "Come get some you ugly goons" I shouted. I thought one of them speeded up in repsonse to my challenge...but actually I think they were moving the same speed. "Screw this" I yelled. I charged in wildly striking left and right with my bone wand. Steve and Gork were right on my heels crushing skulls and...it was over. Not only did the zombies not even get a single hit in, they folded like pieces of oragami every time they were hit. I couldn't believe this crap "My God, how can these Rogues be getting their @sses handed to them by rats and zombies?" Then I yawned. I vowed to blow this area off...as soon as I finished a nap. I laid down under a nearby tree. Gork and Steve stood watch. I quickly nodded off into a deep and restful slumber....
"What the Hell!?!" Steve's foot thudded into my side again. "Steve if you kick me again I swear I'll rip your leg off and beat you with it." Then I heard the squeeling. At first I thought someone was roasting a pig alive somewhere nearby but I soon noticed a large man running towards us. He was screaming at the top of his lungs "IEIEIEIEEIEIEIIEIEIEIE". Then I noticed he was being chased by what must of been the biggest group of quill rats, ugly red little goblins, and weird looking crows that I'd ever seen.
I screamed "Shut up you idiot, you're drawing every monster in a 2 mile radius right here!".
He responded "IEIEIEIEIEIEIEIIEIEIEIE" and ran right around me and hid behind the tree I was sleeping under. I hurled bone spears for all I was worth as the horde bore down us.....then Steve, Gork and I waded into melee range while the big goof hid behind a tree. It was pure carnage........
Steve, Gork, and I wandered into the Rogue Encampment. I was battered, brusied, dead tired, and covered in gore. I considered killing the big barbarian who got me into that huge fight but my desire to clean up, rest, and repair my equipment outweighed my desire to make a wind chime out of his skull and intestines. One of the guards saw us coming. Two dozen bow wielding rogues ran over.
One of the women in the crowd asked "What happened?" I decided not to embarass the barbarian. He was obviously a novice adventurer. Being humiliated in front of a crowd full of women might shame him into putting down his sword forever.
I said "This barbarian and I fought a horde of monsters. Must have been 50 of them. We left a huge pile of their corpses out in the woods."
One of women, really no more than a girl piped up "I told all of you that Big Herc must of killed all those monsters I found an hour ago, and he did." An hour ago? That's what I got for taking this idiot's "shortcut" back to the Rogue Encampment. What the Hell good was a barbarian who was too stupid to even find his way around the woods? I thought these guys were supposed to be good at that? And his name is Big Herc? Please.
A swarm of women rallied around Big Herc. "Tell us about the battle Big Herc"..."Tell us the tale of how you saved the Necromancer" Saved the #$%^&*# Necromancer? What the Hell?
Big Herc chimed in "Well the horde was creeping up on the Necromancer while he slept. I gave a mighty battle cry to warn him. 1/2 the horde ran away in fear. No one in their right mind would want to face the all mighty power of...The Big Herc." I watched open mouthed as the girls followed Big Herc away. I made two mental notes to myself right then. One, nice guys finish last. Two, next time I have the urge to make a wind chime out of someone's skull, do it, no matter how tired I am.
After cleaning up I headed to the blacksmith's shop. I was going to get my equipment repaired and get the Hell out of here. Let "Big Herc" go out rat killing. I had better things to do. Then...I saw her. Her name was Charsi. She was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. She had a great body. She was athletic and sexy. She had a face like an angel and a sparkle in her eyes.
She smiled as I approached and said "How can I help you." My mouth opened but no words came out.
I had to say something "Uh..ah..uh..I need you to work on my wand".
She frowned "Excuse me?"
I continued to stammer "Can you knock these boots?" She crossed her arms "Knock these boots into shape please...I have armor, and boots, and.."
She stopped me "Ok, ok, just give me the equipment. I'll get it to you right before the big dance tonight." Ah, maybe we'd gotten off on the wrong foot but here was my chance.
I quickly composed myself "A dance huh? So, are you going with anyone?"
From behind me a voice said "Sure she is little buddy! She lucked out because she'll be going to the dance with the Big Herc." Charsi giggled and hugged Big Herc when he walked over.
Charsi looked at me "So what's it like to fight along side a hero like Big Herc? Was it amazing?" Big Herc noticed the sour look growing on my face "Baby don't embarass the man by asking him to compare himself to the Big Herc. Let's just say the Big Herc is almost as good in battle as he is in the bedroom." Big Herc then pointed at Charsi and winked.
Charsi giggled "Oh Big Herc".
Sigh. I was going to hurl if I listened to Big Herc for just one more minute. "I'll come by and grab my stuff tomorrow Charsi. See you later." I walked off to the little campsite I had set up in the corner of the encampment.
I sat around a campfire I'd set up. The sounds of the dance came from the opposite side of the camp. I couldn't stop thinking about Charsi. Steve was picking dead flies off of Gork and eating them. "Steve, I work with dead bodies all day long and even I think that's disgusting. Give it a rest please." Steve cowered away from Gork. "You know Steve, I wish I would of just had one good line to use on her, then maybe I'd be with her at that dance tonight instead of Big Herc".
Steve looked at me and tried to talk best he could "scritchy, scritchy, hissssssss."
Because of my years of intense training I understood Steve. "You have one you used to use when you were alive? Was it pretty good? Let me hear it."
Steve said "wicki, wacccaaaa, hisssss, urrrrrrr".
I groaned "When they made the alphabet, they should of put u and I together? Steve, that is the worst pick up line I've ever heard. Why am I listening to a skelton that eats dead flies anyway? Ohhhh geeze... Maybe I should just show up Big Herc in front of her? Nah, that's kind of childish..." Steve jumped up flailing his arms to get my attention. "You have a way to show up Big Herc? Look Steve.." Steve held his palm up facing me, asking me to stop and give him a chance. "Ok Steve, what's your idea?"
Steve hopped around with glee. "wicca, hisss, scritchy, scritchy". Then Steve picked up a large board that was laying on the ground.
"Ok so Gork represents Big Herc. Then you take the board and...Uh Steve I don't think....." Before I could stop him Steve swung the board and broke it in two over the back of Gork's head. Gork fell down face first in the dirt and then hopped up roaring and started chasing Steve into the darkness. "Steve, Gork, get back here you morons!!" They had already run into the darkness out of earshot. Sigh. I ran after them into the darkness. I finally caught up to them in a graveyard. Gork was sniveling and whining. I heard Steve Chittering and squeeling. He'd fallen into an open grave. I pulled Steve out. Steve cowered away from both me and Gork. "Oh no, don't try that cowering with me. I think someone owes Gork and apology." Steve crept over to Gork..then he picked a fly off of him and ate it. "Oh that's so gross, I'll never get used to that. Uggghhgh. Besides you need to..."
A ghostly female voice interrupted me "Join my army of the dead". A woman dressed in white and carrying a bow walked through the graveyard. She was followed by 2 dozen zombies.
I crossed my arms. "You're interrupting a private conversation lady. Take a walk."
She laughed "I am Blood Raven, mistress of the undead. You dare speak to me that way?"
I chastised her "Mistress of the Undead? Give me a break. You look like a rank amateur to me."
Blood Raven snarled "An amateur? Watch as I take over your own skelton and turn him against you." Then she made a motion. A white light engulfed Steve..."Now Skeleton, kill your master". Steve flipped her the bird. Blood Raven was furious. "How dare you!! She fired an arrow. It hit Gork in the shoulder. He calmly pulled the arrow out, dropped it to the ground, and growled.
I pulled out my bone wand "Now you've done it.." Steve, Gork, and I advanced. They were dead meat.....
As the Rogue Encampment stirred to life the next morning we arrived carrying Blood Raven's corpse. The whole camp gathered round as Gork dropped her corpse in the middle of town. People were stunned. Everyone was looking at me with open mouthed awe. Then I realized that everyone looked more disgusted than awed. I turned around. Steve had sliced Blood Raven's head off and was tossing it back and forth with Gork. "Stop that you two idiots! What have I told you about that sort of thing? Well Steve?"
Steve cowered and hissed out "wikki, hisss, urgle, urgle".
I scowled at Steve "That's right, corpses aren't toys." Big Herc walked up hand and hand with Charsi.
Charsi smiled at me "Wow, Blood Raven was really dangerous." Several of the women in the crowd echoed her sentiments. Charsi continued "In fact, Big Herc told me he was planning on going after her first thing this morning. Now that you've killed her, I guess he can spend the morning with me instead." Then Charsi giggled again.
Big Herc added "Yah, good job little buddy. I'm glad I've got you around to take care of the Big Herc's light work." I almost physically lunged for Big Herc but just managed to contain myself. Before I could say anything, Big Herc and Charsi turned and headed off towards the other side of camp. I was really starting to dislike Big Herc and as a general rule anyone I really disliked usually met an unpleasant fate....
Read part 2 by clicking right here.
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