The first "Axis of Evil" joint press conference between Saddam Hussein of Iraq, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei of Iran, and North Korea's Kim Jong-il degenerated into squabbling over who had the "coolest sound byte" about how they would destroy America.

After Saddam Hussein said "America will face the mother of all battles again if it attack Iraq" Kim Jong-il replied by saying that Iraq should "stop using that tired old line." Kim Jong-il went on to say that Iraq should take a lesson from North Korea's usage of the phrase "America will drink the bitter tea of defeat if it dares to molest the virginal borders of North Korea."

Ayatollah Khamenei vigorously disagreed with both men and said that "If the great Satan were to lift up the hem of Iran's burqa in order to inseminate her with it's devil seed of hegemony and war, Allah himself would hurl thunderbolts down to fry America's manhood to a crisp. Now that's a sound byte!"

Saddam Hussein audibly groaned during this tirade. "Oh 'Mother of all battles' is tired and old but you're talking about Allah hurling thunderbolts like he's Zeus or something? And shouldn't he be hurling lightning, not thunder? And you're talking about America's 'manhood?" You don't need to worry about America's manhood, you need to worry about their planes and I can tell you that from personal experience."

Kim Jong-il chimed in with "I like the hegemony part."

Then Saddam Hussein responded with "You would infidel" and Kim Jong-il shoved Saddam down over his podium.

At that point Saddam started screaming "No one touches me and lives. No one! You hear that dictator boy? You want some of Saddam? Huh, do you? My favorite cousin once looked at me wrong and I personally tortured him to death. And you want to SCREW WITH ME?!?!" At that point Saddam rushed at Kim Jong-il but was held back by several of his aides as he screamed incoherently.

Kim Jong-il retorted "I think the fat Iraqi could get across what he wants to say a little better if you gentlemen took your hands off of him. Let him come try to get a piece of Kim Jong-il, he wouldn't be the first."

At that point Ayatollah Khamenei attempted to separate the two combatants but Saddam would have none of it...

"Hey Khamenei, you better get out of the way or I'll b*tchslap the way Iraq did Iran back in the 80s."

At that point a red faced Khameni took a wild swing at Saddam and the whole press conference dissolved into a wild fracas. The fighting continued for another 15 minutes until the building was evacuated after what was suspected to be an American spy plane flew overhead.

Only Saddam Hussein would comment to the press after things calmed down "After the Americans have suckled at the hard nipple of defeat, Iran and North Korea are next!"

© Copyright 2001-2008 John Hawkins

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