I, (insert female name) demand that you,(insert male name) read through and understand the following rules before we engage in a relationship.
1: I reserve the right to get pissed at you for no other reason then that It gives me the right to demand some good ‘kiss and make-up’ sex.
2: If I were to allow you to go out to have a few beers with your male friends in the future, I demand that you tell DJ’s and clientele of the establishment you are visiting to keep their volume down so that you can hear your cellular phone if I were to call you in an emergency (like if there’s nothing good on TV so you have to come home and keep me company). If you don’t hear your phone I reserve the right to accuse you of cheating on me even if you have five friends telling me that you have been in their presence all the time.
3: During PMS I reserve the right to accuse you of cheating on me if you are out from under my supervision for more then 15 mins straight.
4: If I have a bad day in general, it’s all your fault. Even if you haven’t been in my presence.
5: Everything bad that happens, is your fault. That hailstorm outside too.
6: I demand that you from this instant break off all contact with female friends since they are all after your body.
7: I demand that you look at the pavement if we are out walking and should be forced to walk past a female that I think looks anything above butt-ugly. If you look, it means you want to screw her.
8: I reserve the right to cover your eyes if female nudity of any kind comes on television or rented videotapes. Male nudity however is perfectly fine for me to watch.
9: All other females are butt-ugly witches who wants to consume your soul.
10: You ain’t allowed to touch or eat anything in the refrigerator if I’m not home at the moment since: a) I’ve bought that particular thing for use in some really weird meal I’ve planned for the evening and if you eat it I don’t have all the ingredients. b) If you yourself bought it,and it ain’t in the recipe you will still get stuffed and won’t be hungry when my weird meal is on the table.
11: I reserve the right to put you on a diet even if you don’t have a weight problem since you have to help me with my own non-existent weight problem.
12: You now share my taste, and If I think a female looks better then me, you do too, and of course you want to screw her so I reserve the right to go ballistic if i see what I think is a good looking woman.
13: I reserve the right to get pissed at you for something you said or did two weeks ago even if I didn’t find anything wrong with it back then.
14: Computer games are the devils invention and excessive playing of counter-strike or Diablo II means you don’t love me anymore.
15: You are not under any circumstances allowed to have any fun whatsoever if I’m not having fun too..If you do..it means you don’t love me anymore so don’t even try to fire up Counter-strike if there’s nothing decent on TV for me to watch.
16: My cats are the cutest living organisms on the face of the earth..If you say otherwise It means you don’t love me anymore..look there how cute he is coughing up a slimy brown hairball on your pile of newly cleaned clothes.
17: If you think that the solution to get some quality computer game time is playing after I’ve gone to bed I will use the following razor sharp arguments to prove you wrong… a) The sounds too loud,I cant sleep! b) When you the next day have bought a good set of headphones to keep the sound down the monitor flickering is reflecting on the walls, I can’t sleep! c) When you the next day have moved the computer equipment into the next room the sound of your key pressing will be too loud, I can’t sleep. d) Not until you have hauled all equipment as far as you can from the bedroom in the apartment will I reveal the true reason. You can’t play cause I want you in bed with me.
18: If you at anytime say ‘Hi’ to a female I don’t know or have seen before, I will demand a detailed report on all and everything you have done with her, to her, and spoken to her about during your lifetime on the table by 0800 the following day.
19: I reserve the right to hate any woman I know you have had sex with before me, even if they seem to be nice.
20: If you should laugh at a joke in a movie that has anything at all to do with adultery it automatically means that you have been having an affair and should be punished accordingly.
21: If you do or say anything I think is wrong I reserve the right to start to cry so you have to comfort me and tell me how sorry you are.
22: If I do or say anything that you think is wrong I reserve the right to start to cry so you have to comfort me and tell me how sorry you are!
To sum it up: I’M RIGHT,YOU ARE WRONG!
I (……..signature……….) have read through the above rules and with this signature I seal my fai…eehh…..ensure our glorious future together.
The author of this document would like to insert a pathetic attempt to save himself from mutilation, should his girlfriend ever see this by saying that she really isn’t as bad as it might seem when reading the above ‘rules’..only slightly neurotic when it’s ‘that time of the month’ ;-)