Written By : John Hawkins
January 1, 2012

I, (insert female name) demand that you,(insert male name) read through and understand the following rules before we engage in a relationship.

1: I reserve the right to get pissed at you for no other reason then that It gives me the right to demand some good �kiss and make-up� sex.

2: If I were to allow you to go out to have a few beers with your male friends in the future, I demand that you tell DJ�s and clientele of the establishment you are visiting to keep their volume down so that you can hear your cellular phone if I were to call you in an emergency (like if there�s nothing good on TV so you have to come home and keep me company). If you don�t hear your phone I reserve the right to accuse you of cheating on me even if you have five friends telling me that you have been in their presence all the time.

3: During PMS I reserve the right to accuse you of cheating on me if you are out from under my supervision for more then 15 mins straight.

4: If I have a bad day in general, it�s all your fault. Even if you haven�t been in my presence.

5: Everything bad that happens, is your fault. That hailstorm outside too.

6: I demand that you from this instant break off all contact with female friends since they are all after your body.

7: I demand that you look at the pavement if we are out walking and should be forced to walk past a female that I think looks anything above butt-ugly. If you look, it means you want to screw her.

8: I reserve the right to cover your eyes if female nudity of any kind comes on television or rented videotapes. Male nudity however is perfectly fine for me to watch.

9: All other females are butt-ugly witches who wants to consume your soul.

10: You ain’t allowed to touch or eat anything in the refrigerator if I’m not home at the moment since: a) I�ve bought that particular thing for use in some really weird meal I�ve planned for the evening and if you eat it I don�t have all the ingredients. b) If you yourself bought it,and it ain’t in the recipe you will still get stuffed and won�t be hungry when my weird meal is on the table.

11: I reserve the right to put you on a diet even if you don�t have a weight problem since you have to help me with my own non-existent weight problem.

12: You now share my taste, and If I think a female looks better then me, you do too, and of course you want to screw her so I reserve the right to go ballistic if i see what I think is a good looking woman.

13: I reserve the right to get pissed at you for something you said or did two weeks ago even if I didn’t find anything wrong with it back then.

14: Computer games are the devils invention and excessive playing of counter-strike or Diablo II means you don�t love me anymore.

15: You are not under any circumstances allowed to have any fun whatsoever if I’m not having fun too..If you do..it means you don�t love me anymore so don�t even try to fire up Counter-strike if there�s nothing decent on TV for me to watch.

16: My cats are the cutest living organisms on the face of the earth..If you say otherwise It means you don’t love me anymore..look there how cute he is coughing up a slimy brown hairball on your pile of newly cleaned clothes.

17: If you think that the solution to get some quality computer game time is playing after I�ve gone to bed I will use the following razor sharp arguments to prove you wrong… a) The sounds too loud,I cant sleep! b) When you the next day have bought a good set of headphones to keep the sound down the monitor flickering is reflecting on the walls, I can�t sleep! c) When you the next day have moved the computer equipment into the next room the sound of your key pressing will be too loud, I can�t sleep. d) Not until you have hauled all equipment as far as you can from the bedroom in the apartment will I reveal the true reason. You can�t play cause I want you in bed with me.

18: If you at anytime say �Hi� to a female I don�t know or have seen before, I will demand a detailed report on all and everything you have done with her, to her, and spoken to her about during your lifetime on the table by 0800 the following day.

19: I reserve the right to hate any woman I know you have had sex with before me, even if they seem to be nice.

20: If you should laugh at a joke in a movie that has anything at all to do with adultery it automatically means that you have been having an affair and should be punished accordingly.

21: If you do or say anything I think is wrong I reserve the right to start to cry so you have to comfort me and tell me how sorry you are.

22: If I do or say anything that you think is wrong I reserve the right to start to cry so you have to comfort me and tell me how sorry you are!

To sum it up: I’M RIGHT,YOU ARE WRONG!

I (……..signature……….) have read through the above rules and with this signature I seal my fai…eehh…..ensure our glorious future together.

The author of this document would like to insert a pathetic attempt to save himself from mutilation, should his girlfriend ever see this by saying that she really isn’t as bad as it might seem when reading the above �rules�..only slightly neurotic when it�s �that time of the month� ;-)

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