In My World: U.S. Troops To Be Led By Haunted Robot
by Frank J.
Secretary of State Colin Powell plans to present evidence to the U.N. today that Saddam has weapons of mass destruction and is mocking the rest of the world. On one audio tape, Saddam reportedly says, "I have weapons of mass destruction! Stupid world; I mock them! And I am so glad the U.N. will never hear me say this!"
Defense Secretary Rumsfeld showed his support for Colin Powell. "That weak willed fool better not fail!" Rumsfeld shouted at a press conference, shaking his fist in the air.
"Chirac seems to say that he will not join the war plans no matter what," said one reporter, "How much do you plan on hurting him?"
"You must be from FOX News," Rumsfeld stated. "As for Chirac, just having other people see him after I'm done with him will be considered a crime against humanity."
"Is there any way you could agree on just having more inspections instead of war in which innocent people will be killed?" asked another reporter.
Rumsfeld pulled out his luger and shot the man in the knee. "Next question."
"Can we get him medical attention?" asked a reporter who watched the man roll around on the ground in pain.
"No."
Rumsfeld glanced behind him to see National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice waiting impatiently. "Oh, yeah; we're now going to unveil some of the technology we are going to use in this war to slaughter our enemies and our lesser allies," Rumsfeld said, "Now, since I tend to stay away from anything more complicated than a semi-automatic, I'm going to turn this over to Dr. Condoleeza Rice."
Rumsfeld took a seat nearby and Rice then took the floor. "We wanted to have the ultimate leader to take our troops into battle,” she announced, “We researched a number of ways to create this leader, such as cybernetic enhancements and gene splicing, but then we heard that a number of hippies claimed to have been severely beaten by a spectral entity. Upon further investigation, we determined it to be none other than the ghost of General George S. Patton. We used secret federal dark sorcerers to capture and contain the spirit..."
"There are dark sorcerers paid for by the government?" one reporter interrupted.
"QUIET!" Rice screamed, "I will tell you when it is time for questions!" She then composed herself and smiled. "As I was saying, we captured the spirit of General. Now all we needed is a container for it. So we've decided to use brand new technology to unite the ways of the old with the ways of the new. Thus we have created Robo-Patton."
Projected on to a screen behind her was a picture of a hulking robot with ivory accents.
"Robo-Patton will have the power to inspire our troops to a quick and decisive victory, but he will not be some general giving orders from afar. Robo-Patton has hydraulic strength to slap the head clean off a man. He also has a built in rocket launcher, railgun, and gatling gun, allowing him to dispatch threats of hardware and personnel. Robo-Patton will slaughter the enemy by the thousands."
She smiled a while, savoring the thought. Finally, she said, "Now you may ask questions."
"Do you really expect our troops to be led by this monstrous cyborg?"
"A cyborg is part human and part machine," Rice answered, "Robo-Patton is a pure robot being controlled by the spirit of General Patton. That makes him an android. Next question."
"Is there any chance Robo-Patton will go on an insane killing spree?"
"Is there any chance he won't?" Rumsfeld laughed.
"There does seem to be some chance that Robo-Patton will not follow orders and instead select his own targets. Most likely, though, he'll only kill people no one likes anyway, such as liberals or you."
"How do you people sleep at night when all you deal in is death and destruction?"
Rice looked unamused. "Your questions tire me." She pulled a remote out of her pocket and pressed a button. A transparent shield then came down from the ceiling blocking Rice and Rumsfeld off from the reporters. "You have ten seconds before this room fills with poison gas," Rice announced. The press conference quickly ended.
In unrelated news, a large robot answering to the name General Patton is on the loose killing hippies in Berkeley, California. Government officials say they don't plan to do anything at this point, because the robot "will eventually tire himself out."
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