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Interview: Saddam Hussein
by Ozrael
Ozrael:
Hello, Saddam, may I call you Saddam?
Saddam:
I do not care what you Americans call me.
Ozrael:
Okay, Saddam, may I get started on the interview?
Saddam:
Will this be on the TV Vision?
Ozrael:
No, it will be on the internet though.
Saddam:
Ah yes, you American and you fancy webnet. *sips lemonade*
Ozrael:
Yeah... so Saddam, it's been about ten years since the gulf war,
any reflections?
Saddam:
Yes, I have many reflection to share. It was glorious war, we
kill over billion America US Soldier-men.
Ozrael:
I'm not quite sure about the accuracy of those figures Saddam.
Saddam:
I see on Iraqi news TV Vision. We kill billion America US Soldier-men.
We win war and rule world.
Ozrael:
I don't think that's quite what happened Saddam.
Saddam:
I know, was just f****** with you, yes?
Ozrael:
I suppose so...
Saddam:
That is what we tell Iraqi peoples though.
Ozrael:
You, told them that Iraq won the war and that you ruled the world?
Saddam:
That is right, we tell them this to increase moral, build big
sense of nationalitism.
Ozrael:
How did you explain the UN weapons inspectors to them if you
had won the war?
Saddam:
I tell people that weapon inspectors come to pay tribute to Chief
Sultan Hussein, and beg mercy for their womens and childrens.
I tell people that I send them away because their presents are
no good to me, I still kill womens and childrens.
Ozrael:
How did you tell them this?
Saddam:
At Press Conference. *sips lemonade*
Ozrael:
What types of questions did the reporters ask?
Saddam:
Only one ask question. He ask "Why you hide in bunker Saddam?"
I shoot him, so I guess I give good answer, no one else have
any question for me.
Ozrael:
So did you really have chemical weapons when the inspectors came
through?
Saddam:
We have no chemical we would not use on own people. Most use
for mop-clean floor in palace.
Ozrael:
But didn't you use anthrax on the Kurds? Your own people.
Saddam:
Anthrax is clean agent, use on linoleum, concrete anything you
want to mop-clean.
Ozrael:
Umm... Saddam, isn't anthrax a highly toxic nerve gas?
Saddam:
Where you hear this? My son-b**** nephew? I f****** kill him,
he f****** dead. He is dead son-b****, I blow his f****** son-b****
brain out!!!
Ozrael:
Actually, I heard it on the news.
Saddam:
Ahahaha, was just kidding then. Sure it was not son-b**** nephew?
Is very important. *sips lemonade*
Ozrael:
Yeah, I'm pretty sure Saddam.
Saddam:
Good, then. You should not believe all you hear from TV Vision,
American government lies to people. They lie much.
Ozrael:
How do I know you're telling the truth Saddam, you conviced your
people that you rule the world.
Saddam:
Come Oz, would I lie to you?
Ozrael:
Most likely.
Saddam:
About something important?
Ozrael:
Most likely.
Saddam:
I thought we are bud?
Ozrael:
No Saddam, I'm a zine editor and you're a power mad evil dictator,
we're not buds.
Saddam:
I guess you can forget about picnic.
Ozrael:
What picnic?
Saddam:
Picnic I have when I conquer world. *sips lemonade*
Ozrael:
Oh... okay... so who are your rolemodels Saddam?
Saddam:
This question is easy one, yes? One big roller-model for me Ike
Turner, he inspire me to become power hungry dictator. Other
roller-model Fearless Leader from Bullwinkle Rocky show, I learn
English through watch him.
Ozrael:
Oh. Anyone else?
Saddam:
John Denver.
Ozrael:
Why is that?
Saddam:
He teach me to love neighbor and appreciate the nature.
Ozrael:
Didn't you invade Kuwait? Your neigbor?
Saddam:
That more Ike and Fearless Leader than John.
Ozrael:
But what about loving your neighbor?
Saddam:
Kuwait was a**hole, does not matter-count.
Ozrael:
Oh, well, Saddam you've gotten alot of bad press lately from
the cartoon South Park, presenting you as Satan's gay lover.
How do you feel about this?
Saddam:
Is completely untrue. Am even not christian, I do not care how
nice thighs are, or sultry way he pouts when angry, or handsome
smile, or barrel-chest build. Saddam is not gay lover.
Ozrael:
If Satan were not a christian icon, would you consider dating
him?
Saddam:
Did son-b**** nephew tell this? Does he say this? Did son-b****
nepwhew tell you these lies! I F****** KILL SON-B**** NEPHEW
FOR THIS!!!
Ozrael:
Hey cool down Saddam, you just seemed a little taken by him.
Saddam:
Oh. *sips lemonade*
Ozrael:
Saddam, I understand you have a new book out, want to tell me
about it?
Saddam:
Of course, Chemical Cookbook for Dictator on Go is new recipe
book by me. It have good recipe for nerve gas, instruction for
tender potroast, and lovely vegetary menu for dinner party.
Ozrael:
How are sales?
Saddam:
They are okay-good. Honest, I make more money from order made
by people who buy book.
Ozrael:
Orders?
Saddam:
I sell all ingredients in book.
Ozrael:
What are the big sellers?
Saddam:
Asperigus, cionide, and the MSG.
Ozrael:
Oh, just a few more questions for the readers Saddam.
Saddam:
Shoot Oz...
Ozrael:
Let's not shoot Saddam. First off, are you married?
Saddam:
Am attached but not exclusive.
Ozrael:
What type of car do you drive?
Saddam:
Am driven in limosine-car.
Ozrael:
Boxers or briefs?
Saddam:
I go commando for quick release.
Ozrael:
And is it true what they say about you and that Palace intern?
Saddam:
Who tell you this? Was son-b**** nephew? WAS IT F****** SON-B****
NEPHEW?!?!?
Ozrael:
Actually yes...
Saddam:
HAH, KNEW IT I F****** KILL HIM F****** DEAD! I CARVE HEART OUT
WITH BIG HOOK KNIFE!
Ozrael:
Is it true that you kill your own family members?
Saddam:
No, family is sacred.
Ozrael:
But...
Saddam:
What?
Ozrael:
Nevermind... Saddam, what's your favorite sport?
Saddam:
Always like shoot skeet. In Iraq, I have babies thrown, easier
to hit and mark spot where hit.
Ozrael:
What are your plans for the near future?
Saddam:
Just in-the-between you and me, I steal all water and pour down
very deep hole in Iraq then sell water to other country.
Ozrael:
Do you think it will work?
Saddam:
No, but that not what I tell Iraqi people.
Ozrael:
You were militarily set back by the Bush administration, how
have you faired under the Clinton reign?
Saddam:
Was good time. *sips lemonade*
Ozrael:
I would imagine, you just kind of blew the whole UN off.
Saddam:
Yes, was pushover, yes?
Ozrael:
I suppose it was, so Saddam has anyone tried to assassinate you?
Saddam:
No, why you bother asking Oz?
Ozrael:
Well, alot of people don't like you and they might try to kill
you.
Saddam:
How could they kill me, am well protected.
Ozrael:
Well, they could have seen your cookbook on Oprah's book Club
and bought it, then they could have ordered some cionide from
your very own service with which to poison your lemonade during
an interview with you. That would be kind of ironic don't you
think?
Saddam:
*stops mid sip*
Ozrael:
...
Saddam:
...
Ozrael:
Ah Saddam, I was just f****** with you!
Saddam:
Oh hah ahhahaah... you josh me good, yes? You josh me good. Like
on the TV Vision!
Ozrael:
No
Saddam:
Whu... *eyes roll back in head as face turns purple, gasping
for air*
Ozrael:
Saddam, don't believe everything you see on TV.
Saddam:
*Flops over on table... dead*
Ozrael:
*Dusts hands off* All in a days work
CIA Agent:
*walks in* Good job Oz.
Ozrael:
No problem man. So where's the briefcase?
CIA Agent:
What briefcase? The only thing I brought for you is this *pulls
out silenced pistol*
Ozrael:
F*** me in the goat a**... s***
CIA Agent:
*Brain matter splatters against wall*
Ozrael:
F***, now I'll have to buy some paper towels.
Whiskey Jack:
Quit b******* Oz, I just saved your a**. *lowers his shotgun*
Ozrael:
Yeah, you're right. Thanks man.
Whiskey Jack:
What are we going to do with these two?
Ozrael:
I think... umm... we can bury them in the back yard... Next to
Jimmy Hoffa, but not too close to Elvis.
Whiskey Jack:
Yeah, but didn't we bury your pet bunny there?
Ozrael:
Yeah, you're right, is there room next to the Roswell junk?
Whiskey Jack:
I think so.
Ozrael:
Okay, I'll get Saddam, you clean up your own mess.
Whiskey Jack:
Damn it.
Ozrael:
Hahaha
Whiskey Jack:
Shutup.
Ozrael:
*Goes to get shovels*
They All:
*Lived happily everafter*
EDITORS NOTE: NO POWER HUNGRY DICTATORS
OR CORRUPT CIA AGENTS WERE HARMED (THEY DIDN'T FEEL A THING)
IN THE MAKING OF THIS INTERVIEW.
If you liked this article check out some
more of Oz's work at the Electric Reel.
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