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Non-American Countries Gather for Quadrennial World Cup Wimpfest

Written By : John Hawkins
January 1, 2012

Seoul, Korea – People all over the world from non-hegemonic superpower countries are focusing their attention for the next two weeks on the World Cup soccer competition that is being held in this tiny northern Asian country that is not known for its athletic prowess.

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Soccer, a game that people from non-hegemonic superpower countries call football for some obscure reason, had its origins in England, a country best known for the sado-masochistic homosexual hazing practices of its public schools and for driving on the wrong side of the road. Soccer, or non-American ‘football,’ is played on a field without yard lines. Each team has eleven players who run around the field like girls and kick a round ball back and forth. Tackling is not allowed because soccer players are sissies and start crying if they are knocked down. Scoring is not permitted because that would cause the non-scoring team’s self-esteem to suffer. Sometimes, however, a point is accidentally scored when a deaf player doesn’t hear the referee’s whistle and kicks the ball into the net. Soccer players are not allowed to touch the ball with their hands because they might chip one of their Lee Press-On nails.

Soccer is very popular in poor countries like Bangladesh and France because it can be played on any abandoned minefield and only requires one ball and Depends disposable undergarments for the players. Although soccer players have about as much athletic ability as billiards players and soccer has less action than cricket, soccer fans-known familiarly as hooligans-are among the most physically violent people in the world. Psychologists are at a loss to explain why a sport in which nothing ever happens inspires such violent behavior among its fans. One explanation is that soccer fans riot in order to stay awake during matches that normally last longer than a Fidel Castro May Day speech. Another possible explanation is that soccer fans are so ashamed of being interested in such an unmanly sport that they ‘act out’ by excessive drinking, beating each other with cudgels and setting fire to small barnyard animals in order to prove their manhood. A third proffered explanation is that soccer is so moronic it only attracts the most moronic devotees and the Scottish.

Closing ceremonies will feature the usual New Age schlock spectacular jointly performed by John Tesh, Yanni and other artists of dubious gender adored by soccer moms worldwide. The American Century is then scheduled to continue unabated for another four years.

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