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Kneecapping Barack Obama at every opportunity. | ||
I received an email a couple of days ago from one of our fans and I thought I should share my public response with everyone. -- AF
"From: Michelle Lownds
To: webmaster@brassknuckles.net
Subject: Why????????
Date: Tue, 29 Jan 2002 10:28:51 -0800 (PST)
Are you serious when you speak of dismembering people and killing those you do not like? I am trying to understand you John Hawkins. Are you normally anti-social? Do you really dislike so many people? Should they really die just because you do not like them?"
Dearest Michelle
When I first read your letter I have to admit I was puzzled. Me violent? Anti-Social? In fact, my first thought was "I wonder if I could talk this chick into sending me a naked picture of herself?" Of course, that's the first thought I have every time I meet a new woman over the web. So then I wondered "If I can get her to send the naked pic, maybe I can get her to write 'Brass Knuckles Webzine rules' across her naked chest before she sends me the pic, that would be cool to put up on the page." But alas, we only have about 7 or 8 female readers so I hate to risk 15%+ of our "female demographic" by asking them to show me their boobies.
So then after watching 'Show Girls', eating dinner, sleeping, getting up the next day, and going to work, I was pondering how cool it would be if we could assassinate Saddam Hussein and then it came back to me "oh, the violence chick who's boobies I probably won't get to see, she had a question." But what type of person would ask me a question like this? In a world where the Saudis chop off people's hands, the Taliban stone people to death, and the Chinese almost rip the organs right out of people before they execute them for speeding who would worry about what a webmaster on the net was doing? Then it became clear. I could see Michelle sitting at home in Switzerland, blond hair, wearing a short skirt, tight white shirt, and unbuttoning those buttons one at a time..."Oh John Hawkins, deflower me, make me a woman, make.." Da@mn. I've got to stop watching "Baywatch" reruns before writing these columns.
Let's try this again...then it became clear. I could see Michelle sitting at home in...France (bingo). Wearing her birkenstocks, unshaved legs, hasn't taken a shower in 3 days, wearing a potato sack, smoking stinky foreign cigarettes, and typing out her email to some "fascist oppressor" who runs a website in America. How could any person with a conscience suggest feeding Osama Bin Laden to wild pigs? How could any decent person suggest that Mike Tyson should be run through a wood chipper? What sort of human being could suggest that a hero of the people like China's Jiang Zemin should be guillotined? We here in France don't condone that sort of thing. When Nazis attack us we surrender rather than fight, when terrorists threaten us we just capitulate, and when we have murderers here we wag our fingers threateningly at them so they won't do it again! We even banned toy guns here because we're afraid the imaginary bullets from them might kill imaginary people! So how could anybody make jokes about burying bodies in quarries, gnomes caving people's chests in with pick axes, and beating lawyers to death with bricks? That's just not the "French" way of doing things. If people threaten us here we yell "for the love of God not in the face" and hope we don't end up in the hospital for too long. If a country threatens to pound us into the ground we shout" if you do you better be ready to catch a big ole chunk of American hegemony right in the breadbasket" and wait for America to save us. Why can't you violent Americans be like us?
Well Michelle unfortunately we "violent Americans" can't turn to anyone else to save us when we have problems. We spend out entire lives bailing the entire world out of jams only to have them turn on us 5 minutes later and accuse of "repressing people" while we were pulling their @sses out of the fire. Because of this, we Americans learn violence at an early age. "Children's programming" here includes Larry, Curly, and Moe poking each other in the eyes every 5 seconds, Fred Flintstone smashing his friend Barney's head in with a club, Popeye beating Bluto to a bloody pulp for trying to molest Olive Oyl, and children enslaving Pokemon so they can pit them against each other in Poke-cock fights. We play games like Cowboys and Indians and Cops and Robbers where every game includes a kid imagining that he blew his friends skull apart or at least gave him a sucking chest wound to end the game. That's the culture I grew up in and that's why I don't have any problem with violence.
That leads us to the only truly interesting portion of the "hippiemail." "Should they really die just because you do not like them?" Should they? Of course. Trust me, the world be a better place if I had that sort of power. No more hippies, no more terrorists, no more evil. Only a world crushed beneath the iron fist of the OVERFIEND! A world where Mandy Moore would give me backrubs while Angelina Jolie and Zhang Ziyi danced for my amusement as I had the entire cast of MTV's Jackass fed into a threshing machine in front of me! Bwahahahahahaahah!
I think that should lay to rest any "crazy talk" about BKW being a violent page. I know you tree hugging, hippie, chicks have trouble following anything that goes for more than 10 seconds unless a baby seal or tofu is involved somehow but hopefully that answered your questions Michelle.
Yours truly
John Hawkins
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