Greetings to our friends, countrymen, allies and all the people we're kicking the sh*t out of. I have come before you today to because our commander and chief, George W. Bush felt that someone from the United States Government should answer the many speeches that have been made by the Taliban, Al Qaeda, and all the other wack job, extremist, psychopaths out there who are trying to pass themselves off as holy men. I agreed with the president and felt that it was my duty as the US ambassador of whoop ass to explain our peaceful intentions, our loathing of violence, our sincere desire for friendship with every nation in the world, and most importantly, why we're going to "rip the living guts out of our enemies and use them to grease the treads of our tanks".

Many of our friends in the world have supported us in attacking Afghanistan. That's a good thing, because we'd hate to have to bomb them too. Speaking of bombing, let's talk about "New Texas"..ehr..Afghanistan. A few weeks ago Mullah Mohammad Omar was saying that Americans were craven, frightened, and just too scared to come to Afghanistan. He may have changed his mind after we shot a missile into his house and blew up his car. Unfortunately, he still has a mind to change since we didn't get him either time. But keep talking you stupid, backmountain, pirate because I've been assured by US special forces that you'll be buried up to your neck in a Texas anthill and covered with honey when this all over if we don't just blow your brains out the back of your skull first.

Now on to Osama Bin Laden. First of all, Osama can you hear me? Good, now look over your left shoulder and be very, very, afraid...MADE YOU LOOK! BWAHAHAHAHAAH!!! Bin Laden, you are doomed. At best, American marines will walk out of Afghanistan with your head on a stick. At worst, an American bomb will bury you alive in a cave and you'll spend the rest of your days on this Earth clawing your hands to bloody red pulps futilely trying to get out. Ah, that just puts a big old smile on my face everytime I think about it.

Although Afghanistan is our current target, I am directing this message to Saddam Hussein. Saddam, we've said several times that if you allow UN weapons inspectors in, stop supporting terrorism, and cooperate with the US, your life will be spared. Well, we changed our minds, prepare to die asshole. When I talked W. into killing you, I couldn't resist calling up his dad. When I told him we decided to kill you, wrap your body in a pig skin, and leave your corpse for the vultures, George sr. giggled like a school girl. I've never seen him so happy!

Iran, Syria, Palestine, Lebanon, Somalia, Sudan, Libya, and the rest you loser nations that are supporting terrorists, you better think twice. Some of you probably don't think we'd "dare attack" you. Hey, the Red Cross is the most popular and well loved charity organization in the world and we bombed one of their buildings. If we'd do that to the Red Cross, what do you think we'd do nations that support terrorism? Wise up you bunch of assclowns or one day you're going to feel the business ends of a few hundred Tomahawk missiles.

Last but not least, enemies of America should always remember that RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED!

Yours Truly

John Hawkins
The US Ambassador of Whoop Ass

© Copyright 2001-2009 John Hawkins
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