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Kneecapping Barack Obama at every opportunity. | ||
Life at the office was really running me ragged lately, so I took some time off from my next multi-million dollar spectacle and decided to go home early. Ever since the war had started, I had begun to become more and more frustrated with my working environment as the political differences between me and everyone else I'm forced to work with became clearer.
So as I was relaxing in my home in the Hollywood Hills, I began to ponder all the celebs I've been exposed to over the years that have finally revealed themselves to the general public to be exactly what I had known them to be for years - namely, morons.
And one that stuck out in particular was everyone's chubby cherub diva, Natalie Maines, of Dixie Chicks fame. Ever since Natalie's off the cuff statement about President Bush at a concert on the eve of the war, the Dixie Chicks had taken a lot of flack from their fans, to the point that they've been elevated by the liberal media to "First Amendment martyrs."
But, I wanted to get the real story. The story behind the hype and the slander. So I decided to call up Natalie and get it straight from the proverbial horse's mouth. It had been a while since I'd last run into the sweet, pudgy songstress, so I whipped out my little black book and decided to give her a call, just so I could set the record straight once and for all.
What you are about to read is a transcribed conversation I had with Natalie. Hold onto your hats, people, this one's gonna be a doozy…
Maines: Hello?
MJ: Hey Natalie, its MJ.
Maines: Who?
MJ: MJ, we met at the Capitol Records Christmas Party last year.
(silence)
Maines: Oh, hi! How are you?
MJ: You really don't remember me, do you?
Maines: Um…
MJ: I was the guy you dragged with you into the closet after you broke the top of that copy machine with your *ss.
Maines: Oh, yeah! Now I remember! I was much heavier back then.
MJ: Yeah. Did you ever get your thyroid checked out like you wanted?
Maines: My what?
MJ: Never mind. You looked pretty good on the cover of EW.
Maines: Oh, thanks.
MJ: Yeah, was that all you? Or were there some touch-ups done?
Maines: I like to think it was all me, but I looked much too good for that to be true!
MJ: I can attest to that. So would you mind if I record this conversation?
Maines: Record?
MJ: Yeah.
Maines: Why would you want to do that?
MJ: Well, I know there's been a big outcry against you and your band, and I figured since you were being "censored" I'd give you a chance to defend yourself.
Maines: Oh, well, we've been so totally censored. I can't believe it. I mean, you'd think in a country like America, we'd be able to speak our mind without repercussions. But instead, we're forced to go on TV and explain to everyone what we're talking about. It's just ridiculous.
MJ: Yeah, because your First Amendment rights are being suppressed.
Maines: Totally.
MJ: Right. So, can I record the conversation? I promise I won't suppress you.
Maines: Sure!
MJ: Unless you want me to, that is.
Maines: Well why would I want you - oh! I get it! (giggles) You're naughty.
MJ: Yeah, I hung out with Charlie Sheen a bit too much in the 90's.
Maines: Who?
MJ: So I noticed on the magazine cover of EW that you guys had a bunch of names on your bodies.
Maines: Yeah. That wasn't my idea. I didn't quite understand what they were going for at first, having us take all our clothes off and stuff, but once they showed us the cover I totally got it.
MJ: Some of those names were pretty bad.
Maines: Oh my god, they were calling us such horrible things.
MJ: Yeah. I think the worst was "The Dixie Sluts."
Maines: I know! Like, if they were going to call us something bad, you'd think they could at least be creative about it. I mean, "Sluts" doesn't even rhyme with "Dixie."
MJ: Uh, well, "Chicks" doesn't either.
Maines: Sure it does. I think it does…
MJ: "Chicks" doesn't rhyme with "Dixie."
Maines: Are you sure?
MJ: Pretty sure.
Maines: Well, whatever. I still think it should rhyme. It would just sound better.
MJ: Well, this whole thing started after you made that infamous statement about the President at your concert. What was going through your mind when you said that?
Maines: My mind? Well, nothing really. I try not to think about things too much. I just like to do things, you know? Spontaneous.
MJ: Well, if you try not to think of things, shouldn't you limit your statements to things that don't require a lot of thought?
Maines: What are you talking about?
MJ: Well, making blanket statements about politics usually requires knowledge of the issues, just like speaking out about foreign policy requires knowledge of the relations that exists between the countries.
(silence)
Maines: Huh?
MJ: Why I'm trying to say is -
Maines: Well, you don't need information to have an opinion. You just need to know how you feel.
MJ: Well, would the information that your country music audience is historically patriotic and conservative have made you feel differently about speaking out against the President?
Maines: Like, no! I mean, its one thing to think about your audience, but it wouldn't change how I feel, you know?
MJ: So why are you ashamed of Bush?
Maines: Who?
MJ: The President. Of the United States. Of America.
Maines: Well, he was sending us to war. War's bad. I mean, I can't think of anything war has solved.
MJ: You mean other than Nazi-ism, Communism, Fascism, Slavery, and Genocide?
Maines: Why are you being so mean?
MJ: I'm just asking a question.
Maines: No, you're like, twisting everything I say.
MJ: No, I'm not. I'm just trying to understand why you're ashamed of the President.
Maines: Well, I don't like war, and he's not nearly as cute as Clinton was, and he's got that really annoying accent…
MJ: Wait, you have the same accent!
Maines: It's not the same. I mean, Bush is like, stupid. He doesn't know what he's talking about. And when you have a southern accent and don't know what you're talking about, it's like, really, really annoying, you know?
MJ: Funny, I totally know what you're talking about.
Maines: Yeah, so you agree with me?
MJ: I agree that a moron with a southern accent is really annoying.
Maines: And that war is bad.
MJ: So was that apology you gave, was that sincere?
Maines: Was it what?
MJ: You know, did you mean it?
Maines: Yes, of course. I didn't want to insult anybody.
MJ: Except the President.
Maines: Except him. He's stupid.
MJ: So you were apologizing to the fans, not the President.
Maines: Right. I love my fans.
MJ: Even the dumb ones with a southern accent?
Maines: Well, they're all sort-of like that. (giggles) But seriously, I don't care what kind of a person you are. If you're a fan, I like you, and I wouldn't want to insult you.
MJ: So if a fat, stinky, homeless guy was a fan and wanted to date you, what would you say?
Maines: Well, I think the world would be a better place if we didn't judge people by their looks, so I wouldn't care if he was fat and stinky. But if he was homeless, he probably doesn't have any money, so I wouldn't want to date him.
MJ: So poor fans are out.
Maines: Yeah. I mean, you gotta at least have a car!
MJ: What about the President? What if he was a fan?
Maines: What do you mean?
MJ: Well, would it still be okay to insult the President if he was a fan of yours?
Maines: Well, I might not insult him, but I'd definitely still disagree with him.
MJ: What about date him? I hear he has a car.
Maines: Oh, I'd totally date the President! That would be cool! Though, I think he's married…
MJ: That didn't stop Clinton.
Maines: (laughs) Well, I'd still date Clinton, if that helps.
MJ: It doesn't, but thanks for your time Natalie. I think I got everything I needed.
Maines: You're welcome. What did you say this was for again -
Click.
After I got off the phone I began to think about the state of society and the quality of the public school system in the south. But then I remembered South Park was coming on and I had enough money in my wallet to hire a high priced hooker for a few hours. That being said, 14 hours later I got around to transcribing the truth behind the Dixie Chick's statements. So as you can see my friends, my readers, my captive audience, you can't blame poor Natalie for her ignorance.
(Editor's Note: Obviously, this was satire. However, I thought I should make that very clear just in case any lawyers for the entertainment industry happened to reading.)
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