Third Parties Raise Unrealistic Expectations in Wake of Democratic Defeat
by Dan Kilian
After watching Republicans make historic midterm election gains in the House and retake the Senate, many Democratic leaders are engaging in recriminations and soul searching. Will fresh voices formulate a Democratic vision for the twenty-first century, distinct from that of the Republicans, or will the party go the way of the nineteenth-century Whigs?
Unrealistic voters are expecting the latter, and harbor great hopes that their splinter groups will grow to become the main opposition to the now reigning Republican party. The shifting political scene today is certainly part of the freakish aftermath of 9/11, but third parties are talking about rising to predominance as if it's really possible. What are these parties, and what is their vision?
The Independence Party
A loose conglomeration of rich bastards running vanity campaigns, the Independence Party appeals to those swing voters who cannot seem to make up their minds about such binary issues as abortion and gun control. It also appeals to old Ross Perot fans, who will vote for whoever seems to be crazy. The great hope of the Independence Party is based on the fact that a professional wrestler won a governorship for a single term. Their platform is hard to pin down, but it consists mostly of the vague sense that since they are good businessmen, they should be allowed to run the government like a business, even though it's not. An alternate platform is that they are good wrestlers, and they should run the government like a wrestling match.
The Green Party
This party may have the best chance of winning over members of the now defunct Democratic party by appealing to their core values. They have shed the moderation of losers like Bill Clinton and instead embrace the winning knee-jerk liberal policies of George McGovern. They also have a game plan for winning the White House. Zachary Sprout, a Green Party strategist explained, "In the next election, we intend to double our showing, from 4 percent to 8 percent. Four years later, we're talking 12 percent. Then, four percentage points at a time, 16 percent, 20 percent, etc., until the 2026 election, when we'll finally outpoll the Democrats, essentially putting the last nail in the coffin. Of course, this will ensure that a reactionary, ever more religious Republican party comes to power in the meantime, but at least we will become the alterative voice of America. And the great thing is, we'll still be running Ralph Nader, the dream candidate. He eats so healthy, I'm sure he'll still be around."
The Marijuana Reform Party
Sure, they forgot to vote last election, but the MRP plans to be less open to cheap shots in the future. With the collapse of the Democrats, they intend to extend their platform beyond issues such as loosening the harsh criminal penalties that ruin so many stoners lives' and allowing doctors to prescribe a carcinogenic substance for cancer victims to smoke. For instance, couldn't Sadaam's pursuit of weapons of mass destruction be stopped if we legalized marijuana?
Al Queda
The political wing of this terrorist organization has had a tough time at the polls lately, but they expect that all to change. Said spokesman Ali Mustapha, "We intend to win many seats in your American-style parliament in the next Jurga. If we don't, I will blow myself up, killing as many of your infidels as possible." While it is an uphill climb for this controversial group, they still were more effective in this last campaign than Al Gore.
Perhaps the Democrats will refocus their vision and even find effective leaders to articulate that vision. Or maybe they will somehow lose their massive fund-raising machinery and huge political network. Perhaps America will radically change the way it elects its leaders, opening up the arena to third-party candidates. Perhaps, also, a pig will fly, and, on the strength of it's flying skills, impress enough voters to elect the flying pig president on the Flying Pig Party ticket. Anything can happen in politics.
If you liked this satire, check out more of Dan Kilian's work at Broken Newz
