John Hawkins’s Guide to Child Care: The First Two Months


Let’s face it, being a parent is not an easy job. One day your kid is smiling at you and thinks you can do anything, the next day they’re creeping up behind you Menendez style with a shotgun while you’re watching Survivor..and that’s if you’re lucky.

You may say, John Hawkins you don’t even have kids, what can you tell me about raising mine? Actually, I’m the perfect person to ask about your kids. I have no emotional attachment, I have learned no bad habits and I do have a real psychology degree. Think you already know everything about parenting?

Let’s go with a couple of scenarios…

Your 13 year old daughter walks in..with her new husband..Motley Crue singer Tommy Lee. They announce that they’re in love and just got married in an all night chapel in Las Vegas. Tommy announces that he’s hired Johnny Cocharan to handle any legal challenges to the marriage, he, your daughter and 10 of Tommy’s bodyguards are heading to his tour bus..you hear Tommy muttering something about sharing your daughter with his roadies. What do you do?

Or Imagine That…

You walk in on your son Dustin. He’s hiding something behind his back. It looks as if he’s disecting a live squirrel. As you go over to look at the squirrel you trip over your dog Mr. Fluffy…well the hind quarters of Mr. Fluffy…you trip and fall on to your child’s urine soaked bed. You notice that beside of his bed he has a full can of gasoline and a blowtorch with the words “for mom and dad” and “redrum” painted in the squirrel’s blood on them. What do you do?

The Answer?

You do nothing, it’s too late to fix your kids now. But let me teach you how to take care of your kids so you’ll never be put in that position.

The Right Mentality

You’ve had that little bundle of joy? Congrats!! Have a cigar!! Hopefully that will help compensate you for the next 18 years of your life which you’ve flushed down the toilet.

The Most Important Thing to Remember is…

No one cares about your kid except you and your partner. To you the fact that his poop has changed color from dark green to light green is a fascinating development in the growth of your child, but no one else on Earth cares. Also, forget about those babyfood commercials you’re hoping to get your kid in. You may think your child is the most beautiful baby you’ve ever seen but the rest of use can’t even tell what sex he/she is unless your baby is wearing pink or blue. In fact, your child resembles a drooling, shaved down ape more than a human being for the most part so please stop shoving those pictures in our faces.

The First Two Months

For the first two months of your babies life they basically eat, sleep, cry, and moronically stare at everything the way I would stare at a spycam in Brittany Spears bedroom. Many parents foolishly believe their children smile before they reach 2 months of age. Actually, that’s gas…always. Yes, even your child.

There are two major issues with babies in their first two months of life.

1) Baby poop stinks. I don’t mean it smells bad like a skunk or like a rotten piece of fish, baby poop smells really, really, hideous. Baby poop is the type of thing Satan would of come up with to torture people in Hell. There’s only one safe way to deal with a baby when it poops…dunk it in a bucket of ammonia. That accomplishes two purposes. It kills the smell which helps you avoid the smell and it burns the childs eyes teaching it not to do something which incoveniences you..in this case, pooping.

2) Babies wake up and cry in the middle of the night. Who can sleep with a squalling baby in the house? The obvious solution if you have a big enough house is stick the baby in some far corner of the house where they can’t bother you. However many people just don’t have large enough houses. Therefore, the parents should use what I’ve come to call the “Scare the piss out of ‘em” technique. The next time your baby starts crying in the middle of the night, walk up to them with a rubber monster mask on and scream at the baby “I have to come to eat you in the middle of the night for waking me up, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I’ll cook your bones and make them into bread!!!! Boogity, boogity, boogity!!” Be very loud and shake the crib a bit. Do this every time your baby cries. This will scare the living Hell out of your child and soon they will no longer cry.

That’s It!!! Well that and stuff unshucked oysters, pixie sticks, or whatever it is babies eat down their throats 2 or 3 times a day.

Sure some these techniques might seem a bit controversial but give them a shot. Yeah some of the uptight people at social services might think these techniques are a little too “experimental” but what’s the worst thing that could happen? They’ll take your baby away from you and have someone else raise it? Like that’s supposed to scare you? If they take your baby away tell them not to forget the Teletubby nightlight and the bucket of ammonia….SUCKERS

Read part 2 of this article: here.

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