HOUSTON, TX -- For the first time, teenager Perry Drummond wondered if standing in line at the movie theater for three days so he could be the first person in Houston to see "Attack of the Clones" was worth it.

"All my friends agreed that 'Attack of the Clones' was going to be the greatest film of our generation. We were going to get together, grab some tents, and camp out in front of the movie theater three days early. We figured there would lots of other Star War fans there and it would be one big party. But all my friends begged off and nobody else was waiting when I got here. I kept waiting for someone else to show up -- but no one ever did."

Theater manager Tad Chambers didn't seem to know what to make of Drummond.

"I thought this kid was homeless or something at first but then I finally figured out he was waiting to see 'Attack of the Clones.' It actually rained on him the first night he was out there. I felt so sorry for him that I was going to just give him an advance ticket but when I walked out and offered it to him he said 'The Dark Side will not tempt me away from the coming party. Step away from me or feel my wrath!' Then he starts waving this toy lightsaber he had with him around like a monkey on heroin. Well after that, there was no way I was giving him a free ticket. I figured I'd just see how long the little dork could last.

Only later did Drummond realize that turning down the ticket was a mistake.

"I wasted two days of my life waiting to see the movie when I could have had a ticket for FREE. What was I thinking? I could have spent the last two days playing with my Xbox and crashing in my own bed instead of eating peanut butter sandwiches and trying to sleep outside in the rain. Since I couldn't chance losing my place in line while I was in the bathroom, I've even been peeing in a Gatorade jar when I think no one is looking. What a fool I've been."

Drummond's ex-girlfriend Penny Whitman agreed wholeheartedly.

"So I'm walking past the movie theater this morning with a couple of my friends and one of them says 'Isn't that your ex-boyfriend Perry?' I looked over at him and he's sitting there looking like a mess. He needed a shave, his hair looked like a rat's nest, and he had one of those lightsaber things in his lap. He started waving at me but I turned away and pretended like I didn't see him."

A mere two hours before the opening of 'Attack of the Clones', Drummond's doubts seemed to be getting the better of him.

"When I got here three days ago I couldn't wait for other people to arrive. Since then I've sat in the Texas sun for 3 days without taking a shower, brushing my teeth, or shaving. I reek so bad that I'm sure I'd be self conscious about how bad I smelled through the whole movie. Plus, I developed a rash after it rained that first night and it's so uncomfortable that I can hardly sit down. As if all of that wasn't bad enough, I don't have any idea what I'm going to do with my Gatorade jug when I go in. I can't really leave it on the sidewalk and I'm pretty sure they won't let me take it in."

As Perry Drummond pondered his dilemma, his mother Janice Drummond considered hitting the bottle again for the first time in a decade as she summed up her feelings about her son.

"When your child is growing up you think he can do anything. He could be a professional athlete, a Supreme Court Justice, or even President. When Perry told me he was going to spend three days sitting outside of a theater so he could be the first person to see a movie, that was when reality came crashing down on me. I'm now certain that Perry isn't going to be President. The only question left at this point is how low can he go? Will he become a telemarketer, a gigolo, or a crack addicted homeless man having conversations with imaginary aliens about how the FBI wants to steal his thoughts?"

Across town, theater manager Tad Chambers was planning out how to tell Drummond he was too filthy to be allowed in the theater.

"He thinks he's such a hotshot waving his lightsaber around. When we start selling tickets in an hour and he walks up to the booth I'm going to say 'Hey, I'm using the force right now and it's telling me that you aren't getting inside without taking a bath, so get the hell out of here weirdo.'

Meanwhile, Perry Drummond stood outside the theater, desperately wishing he had a change of underwear, blissfully unaware of Williams decision not to sell him a ticket.

© Copyright 2001-2009 John Hawkins
	hit counter