Baghdad - Iraqi President Saddam Hussein announced that his country will bid for the 2012 Olympic Games. "You must understand that we have a longstanding tradition of honoring great athletes in my country. Take for example, weightlifting-before succumbing to injuries, an Iraqi woman, Bathsheba Fornicatarian, held the world record for extricating herself from beneath a pile of rocks that weighed in excess of 1200 pounds. Look, too, at our esteemed Foreign Minister, Tariq "the Geek" Aziz, who achieved worldwide recognition in the `Kurd Put' by hurling 77 semi-comatose tribesmen off a 10,000 foot cliff in just under 22 minutes.
These things were done by Iraqis and not by others. Also, my own beloved son, Uday Tooday, holds the world record for whipping the feet of our putrescent soccer team for 17 hours straight when they failed to win the World Cup."
Promising "the Mother of all Olympics," Hussein assured the IOC that the facilities would be in place to stage the events. "Some of them we have even as I speak to you," he declared. "Consider the Saddam Hussein Memorial Stadium-we can seat more than 100,000 of our citizens to witness mass executions with no problem. And the stadium food . . . Oy Vey, we got falafel fritters, we got red hot babaganoush, and we got frozen couscous custard. I tell you I am talking high-quality grub here!"
Hussein also promised some new events specific to the Baghdad Games. "My market research people tell me the fans are sick of many of the old contests and want new and different ones. Hosting this spectacle will give us a chance to showcase traditional Iraqi sports such as `Sarindipity', in which the contestants fire poison gas grenades at live Shia targets. Also certain to be a hit is the `Kurd Vault', in which the athletes try to jam as many of the Northern scum as possible into a steel box and weld the door shut in the least amount of time. I think too they will enjoy the diecathalon, in which a young woman who has be seen in public without her chador must run a gauntlet of 20 of her male relatives armed with scimitars. If you have not seen it, believe you me, it's really a kick! We also have a variation of the Hammer Throw, but it involves swinging the hammer, not actually throwing it . . . and it also involves Kurds."
Asked about the locations of the various venues needed for the Games, Hussein said "I going to sit tight for about 6 months and see what shakes out with the Great Satan. Why should I spent a lot on demolition when I can get it done for free-you know what I'm saying to you, my friend?"
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