The Guide to Annoying People Via ICQ
By Archfiend
I felt it necessary to write this short guide for ICQ communications because to be blunt, people annoy the p*ss out of me all day long. Here are some guidlines of things not to do.
Bizarre Messages
Mr. X: I ate the jellybean people..hahahahaha
Archfiend: Ummmmm
Mr. X: Are you a jellybean person? They are everywhere? Hahahahah
Archfiend: Huh?
Mr. X: You king Jellybean..king..king..king..hhaahhaha
Archfiend: O....K...
Look I don't have the patience for this crap. I know you're bored but I don't have the time to listen to you babble about the garbage. Talk like a semi-normal person at least.
Detailed Info About Games Don't Play.
Mr. A: OMG...I am ranked 9th out of 783 people in Dombar!!! OMG, It's amazing.
Archfiend: Good.
Mr. A: The Key was my very high farm to forest ratio. I have 30k trolls with a +3 bonus.
Archfiend: Uh....Trolls?
Mr. A: They are the 2nd best kind to have. Then there's Cyclops, Durgwhatsies (they are small 1/2 preying Mantis 1/2 Grub worm looking creatures), and then..
Archfiend: K
I play Diablo 2. That is the only game I play right now. I don't want to know minue details about other games. Yes, I know I was a Godly Utopia player and well known in the StarCraft community because I did a lot of interviews but I no longer play either. I don't want to know all the details of the last game or extensive details about what you are doing.
Just Plain Boring
Mr. F: I went to the store today.
Archfiend: Ok
Mr. F: It was fun. I looked at lots of things.
Archfiend: Uh-huh.
Mr. F: Then I went home and talked to my friend Pat. Then Pat left.
Archfiend: Ok
Mr. F: That was good
Archfiend: Ok
I mean, come on, make some small effort to say something I could possibly care about is some small way. Anything that I might have the tiniest, most miniscule scrap of interest in. How am I even supposed to respond to things that are this boring?
Not Taking the Hint
Mr. D: Hi
Archfiend: Hi
Mr. D: Are you doing good today?
Archfiend: Yes
Mr. D: Me too. Today is a good day.
Archfiend: Good
Mr. D: I like good days
Archfiend: K
Mr. D: "Singing" I like good days. Good Day, Good Day!
Archfiend: No reply
Mr. D: Sings too Archfiend.."Good Day, Yay, Good Day"
Archfiend: K
Mr. D: Can you remember a better day than this?
Archfiend: No reply
Mr. D: Woo hoo, Archfiend? Paging Archfiend
People like this make me want to cave their skulls in with a clawhammer. It's like for God's sake, TAKE A HINT!! Either I'm bored, busy, or just don't give a crap. Shut the Hell up!!
Stupid URLs
MR. K: Please go to http://www.Msn.com. If you don't go there MSN is going to shut down ICQ.
5 minutes later
Mr. K: Please forward this email. It's part of an email testing system for Microsoft and everyone who forwards it is going to get a $1000.
Archfiend: You do realize that's not real right? For God's sake MSN doesn't even own ICQ. Plus, take 2 seconds to consider how logical it is that Bill Gates is paying everyone a $1000 just to forward an email.
Mr. K: Oh I knew they probably weren't real.
Archfiend: Then why send them out?
Mr. K: Well, just in case they were real.
Archfiend: O....k.
The internet is absolutely full of scams and BS. Unfortunately, I have to read about them because chobos keep forwarding me this crap. Consider whether this stuff is real for 5 seconds before you forward it out to 200 people.
In Conclusion
I'm not going to drag this out forever but I do have a point I'm trying to get across. Think before you hit the send button. Make the smallest, tiniest, effort to consider "Gee, is the person I'm sending this message too going to care at all about what I'm saying or am I going to bore them out of their skulls ?" Just that much thought may save me from some of the typical garbage I get over the course of the day. Hopefully this article will reach a larger audience and will reduce the electronic foofernacle and jabberjoofie that is clogging up ICQ bandwidth across the net.
Copyright John Hawkins 1999-2001
Design by Spider
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