Hadez who on occasion writes, does graphics, and proofreading for RWN let me know last night that he had a live one on ICQ. It seems that when Hadez created his ICQ account years ago, he put down Iraq as his home country on a lark. Well, some guy from Brazil who claimed to have a radio show ICQ’d Hadez last night and started asking him all sorts of questions with an anti-American slant about Iraq. So Hadez decided to goof on him by making up all kinds of BS in an effort to get him to broadcast it over the radio in Brazil. Then he told me about it and I decided to get in on the act.
Five minutes later, after making a few changes to my ICQ details, Jordan Abdul, AKA Holywarrior added “Doug” (the name was changed to protect the ignorant from harassment) to his ICQ list. Hadez had already told him I was his professor at Baghdad U. Here’s the cleaned-up transcript of the ICQ prank…
HolyWarrior: Hello — is this Saheed?
Doug: my name is Doug. im from brazil
HolyWarrior: I see Saheed — Brazil eh? Are you with Iraqi intelligence or another one of those American CIA agents?
Doug: not my friend.. i only a internet amteur!!i am from brazil!! my english is terrible!!!
Doug: peace is my gun!
Doug: i am a paecemaker!
Doug: look my details!!!!
Doug: cia agents use icq??
HolyWarrior: A peacemaker huh? That’s what the Americans who keep emailing me say — Oh shoot Saddam — oh tells us where the anthrax is hidden and we will send you to America, put you in a mansion and introduce you to someone named Britney Spears who scandalously uncovers herself like an infidel. They all think I’ll talk because I met some American soldiers in the Gulf War after my men tried to surrender to a broken down tank we thought was an American robot warrior — but I don’t crack so easily!
Doug: but im from brazil!!!!!! we dont aprove bush�war!! our president is socialist!!
HolyWarrior: You say that now — they all say that at first, but then the Americans whisper their sweet, sweet lies and the next thing you know it’s bye bye Iraq, hello Uncle Sam can you chop down some more of our rain forest to use it to make DVD players and Coca-Cola?
Doug: THE AMERICANS TRY TO ENTER ON OUR FOREST BUT NEVER CAN TO ENTER!!!! IS OU FOREST!! IS OUR WATER. NOT USA WATER!!
HolyWarrior: Yes, well our oil is our water and the Americans will take it all so they can make more cars to crash into each other in their decadent American movies like “Lethal Die Hard Infidel Killer 5″ or whatever it is called. The paper said they have built a giant a vacuum cleaner that will suck all of our oil out of the ground at one time and take it back to America a week after the war is over. Then what are we supposed to live off of? Sand? Have you ever tried to sell sand for a living? In the desert?!?!?!?
Doug: THE USA TRY TO ENTER HEAR FOR OUR WATER. WE DONT WANTH AMERICANS HERE!! I AM A BRAZILAN RESERVE SOLDIER AND I WIL FIGHT IS ANY AMREICAN ENTER ON MY COUNTRY!
HolyWarrior: I used to say that sort of thing too before the Gulf War — then next thing you know, they show up with their planes, tanks, deathrays, robot monkeys, deathstars, all sorts of stuff and you say forget about it — might as well watch “Baywatch” and chant USA USA!
Doug: i understand…. the americans is the modern rome!!
HolyWarrior: Yes and just wait — some day America will come for your trees and your nuts and your — whatever else it is you people do in Brazil and you’ll have to give up and shout “we are so happy to see you American conquerors” while you beg them for chocolate bars out of their ration packs. It’s all just a matter of time – that’s what I was telling my friend Ahmed before Saddam had him killed for voting against him in the last election…
Doug: i know.. we have th biggest water reserve of the world… you have fear?? from the american war?
HolyWarrior: Oh yes — the war will be terrible…Saddam will be shooting everybody, blowing up the dams, blowing up the oil wells, — he even parked his tanks at the university — we’ll be lucky to get a chance to surrender to the Americans before Saddam kills us…
Doug: my god!! saddan is a terrible president…. bush is more terrible….. God bless iraq.
HolyWarrior: Yes Bush is evil — Saddam tells us that Bush eats the children of his enemies, that the United States uses the blood of children to grease it’s tanks, and that Bush has everyone who disagrees with him arrested. I couldn’t believe these things were true…but I guess Saddam is not so bad after all compared to that.
Doug: Bush kill our children too… by the economy!! bush kill many brasilian people! he used FMI to crash our economy and our moral
HolyWarrior: What is an FMI? Some sort of genetically engineered mutant? I heard that some Americans have been given the proportional strength of a spider and the ability to shoot webs from their hands so they can menace the population. The government found these propaganda plans and told us about it…I hope these “spi-dermen” have not been unleashed on your country as well?
Doug: FMI is international monetary found… is a international .. he send money to “help” butt the price is not agradabble….
HolyWarrior: I knew it was true! My friend Ali said it was a lie by our President and the security forces took him away and I never saw him again! Now I know why!
Doug: the americans want to use our spacial base to launch theme nuclear weapons… but if one misssil crashed, came down on our head!! we dont give permission
HolyWarrior: Yes that would be horrible! But it’s not like there is a lot in Brazil anyway that you would miss if it were blown up anyway right?. That would leave more room for a McDonalds or maybe a Euro-Disneyland. I do get to go to a soccer stadium and watch Saddam’s men shoot traitors every so often but it’s just not the same…
Doug: here have many macdonnalds… is not a good food… is so fat. the usa is try to change our culture… and will be the same with you conutry if the americans soldiers win! the americans kill our indians!
HolyWarrior: Oh they are going to win — what can we do — try to lure the soldiers in close and throw sand in their eyes? What we need is for other countries to help us — do you know anyone in the government of Brazil who could declare war on the US? That could distract them and while they were killing you guys we could all sneak off to Syria…..
Doug: what we can to do?? they have the biggest army, air fore, marine……..
HolyWarrior: Maybe you could fight America and deliberately lose so they could rebuild your country. Look at how well it turned out for Japan and Germany. I mean what do you have there? Water, trees, a few grass huts and a bunch of peasants picking brazil nuts and herding goats? Stick the goats in a cave until the bombing is over and you can get the US to give you billions after they blow up a few of your lakes. What else do you guys have to do? Hey do you guys have chocolate in Brazil or indoor plumbing? I have always wondered about that…
Doug: yes…. have chocolat too. our govern give for our guys. if USA has entering on iraq, your people will be a american slave!
HolyWarrior: I wish our government gave us chocolate — I’ve been eating “sand stew” and broiled desert rat for the last six months. When you say we will be slaves — like sex slaves? I hear these American women are insatiable — particularly this Christina Aguilera — can we pick whose slaves we will be or is it random?
Doug: workers slaves..
HolyWarrior: I had heard the Americans ended slavery, but I see that is a dirty lie of the capitalist, imperialist, Yankee pig monkeys! Oh no! We cannot beat the Americans and I cannot be the slave of someone other than a big breasted American women who wants Iraqi love! What can I do now?
HolyWarrior: AHHHHH! But the Americans will kill us all! Have you not seen their movies? In Ghostbusters they have this giant Statue of Liberty that crushes people! Have you seen Godzilla? I still have nightmares about being eaten by that giant lizard! We cannot fight such things with our weapons! All I have is a gun with no bullets, a stick, and a dull fork! Have you tried to attack a battalion full of marines by throwing a dull fork at them? Have you? Gahhhhh!
Doug: i understand… be strong. you have food and water in a case of war?
HolyWarrior: Oh yes — I stole a bunch of food off the bus of one of those “human shields” that came over here. Those girls are easy man — you just start talking about how oppressed you are and about how nothing could cheer you up and next thing you know they are in the sack — I got two of them — I was hoping to get one of them pregnant so I could get a VISA back to their country. But — ughh — they’re are as ugly as a camel’s bottom — I had to get very drunk first if you know what I mean and none of them shave their legs — thank Allah for beer goggles.
Doug: if americans enter hear, give welcome to macdonald�s, visa, malboro, and your poor people will more poor..
HolyWarrior: I’m even down to reusing toilet paper at this point so I’m not sure I can get any poorer than I already am…
Doug: bye bye my friend. send a e-mail for me firstname.lastname@example.org (Editor’s Note: Email changed to protect the dopey)
HolyWarrior: You must go — well do not worry — you can reach me at my website – rightwingnews.com.
Doug: ok! by! is a pleasure tell with you!
HolyWarrior: You too! I will make you famous on my website! Come to Iraq some time — we will shoot you and steal your wallet — hahahah! That is Iraqi joke — We will invite you into our homes!
Doug: serious!!! any time i will go to iraq! witout war!
HolyWarrior: Come be a human shield! All the old ones are running away — maybe the Americans will give me an extra chocolate bar if I turn you in after the war! See you soon!
If you want to see the second ICQ prank with Doug, click here.