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Kneecapping Barack Obama at every opportunity. | ||
This historical work in progress was made possible by the combined efforts and contributions of American high school students from all across this vast and wonderful land of ours. We here at One Brick Short News proudly offer it you -- our readers, as a testament and, moreover, as written evidence to the fact that our future rests in the rock-solid hands of a well-educated and remarkably diverse youth.
That being said, we truly hope that those of you, who in recent years have joined the ranks of the American educational system's bashers, will, after reading the following document -- become just as reinvigorated with a newfound level of confidence in this nation's hopes for a bright and glorious future, as we have been.
The History Of These United States
(As written and compiled by 327 of America's best and brightest high school students.)
In the beginning - our country was owned by Indignant peoples that were Indignant to the land. They loved nature, hated pollution - and they always chose horses over cars or motorcycles. They also enjoyed living in tea peas made from the Buffalo hides they got (hence the name, duh!) in Buffalo, NY.
Oh yeah -- and they killed kernel Casper at the battle of Little Big Horny -- but that wasn't until much later, way-way after that Columbo dude ran his Plymouth into a rock.
Anyways -- they lived way peacefully like this, for a very-very (although sometimes they would argue amongst themselves, and take each other's hair without the owner's permission) long time. But -- then came the white man, and that's when everything went totally freak. Mostly because the Indignant peoples were afraid that the white man would take Buffalo away from them, and then they wouldn't have any more tea peas to crash-out in. But, that never happened, because nobody (not even the people who live there today) wanted Buffalo. But other way totally bad things did happen to the Indignant peoples at the hands of the white man. Horrible things too! Like Elvis Presley as the half-Indian named Pacer, in Flaming Star - or, even worse, that big dumb butt-ugly looking honky that played Sitting Bull (with a Swedish accent) in The Wayward Trail. (Note: The above American history part was told to us by Lori Anne Tyler, who knows a way lot about movies cause her dad works in a theater, and because that's where she mostly makes-out. A way lot!)
Anyways -- that's when the white man up and coined the term 'Monosodium Glutamate' -- which basically means:
"There are a lot more of us than there are of you, so give us all your stuff, dudes."
It was at this very point that the Indignant people became highly indigenous, said "No way, dudes!" And quickly got a Wounded Knee from the white man in return - which rapidly healed, thanks to a remedy they learned from some dude named Herbal.
But, they were still nevertheless way mad (and slightly limping) though, and so -- they decided to fight back -- by refusing to make reservations and never leaving the white waitresses a tip.
This angered the white man to no end, because he owned most of the restaurants (and white waitresses) at the time, and so -- that's when everything went totally gnarly and the two of them got their 'freak on' for real!
(Way Special Note: Oh yeah, there were actually a few other (history-like) parts that took place before all this Indignant people and white man stuff went full-freak, but it was mostly just way boring junk. Like tea parties in Boston, the writing (by some lame old dudes in wigs) of The Defamation of Indiscretion -- and something about a crazy dude who lived in a Booth, snuck into a Ford -- and shot a Lincoln.)
Anyways, back to the truly important stuff now...
After a way lot of radical fighting, the Indignant people finally lost to the white man called John Wayne -- their tea peas were taken away, and they were then forced to live in Northern California gambling casinos. Where they still are today, by the way -- happily ripping-off Greyhound busloads full of reservation making waitress tipping honky-meat.
Anyways, just when (about three weeks after, actually) that all ended, came WW1, which was mainly caused because of the south's refusal to give up slavery, and because Alex Hailey needed an ending to Roots. Oh yeah, and because some dude shot Ferdinand Marcos in Australia.
(Note: Mostly though -- the slavery thing was stopped by some old-beardy dude named John Brown, who was the way famed abortionist that attacked Sutter's Mom and laid her in a molding grave.)Anyways -- we won that war! With help from the Indignant people, too! Who used a really cool secret code-like language, called Ivanhoe.
Anyways -- then came WW11, which started over a surprise attack by the Jamaicans, on Pearl Bailey.
(Note: Some way old singer chick. She died in the attack, but you can still pay to see her body, which is currently under some water -- in Pearling Harbor, Havana) (Double Note: Note: We're not way totally sure about that Pearl Bailey part though, cause we got that info from Tommy Joe Parker, whose dad is an exterminator, and Tommy likes to help his dad clean the pesticide tanks by sucking on the valves.)
Anyways --we won that war too! With lots of help from some dude named Sergeant York, who single-handedly captured the entire Spanish Armada, and smashed it against the rocks near Ireland just before it had the chance of re-supplying Napoleon Belafonte's army at Waterworld!
(PS: Ireland is a tiny little country near Great Britain, and should never be mistaken for the totally hot babe, Kathy Ireland. Unless she digs that, in which case - go for it, dudes!)
Anyways -- that's all for now, we'll finish the rest of this book when we have more free time. Like maybe right after we graduate, and find ourselves standing around all day, with nothing else to do - in the unemployment line.
If you liked this article, read more of the same at One Brick Short News.
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