10) I've just converted to Judaism. It's now your duty as a loyal al-Queda member to defend Israel from the Palestinians. -- OBL

9) You know that big valley down by the Afghanistan/Pakistan border that there's no easy way out of? I want all of you to meet there next Friday at 5 PM Eastern Standard Time. Don't worry, there's no way the Americans will ever find out about this...

8) We've finally gotten that suicide bomber retirement fund we've been talking about. Please post your name, address, and next of kin for our records....

7) I have just seen a secret report from the CIA. One of our members named Muhammad has been compromised. Therefore, please terminate every member of al-Queda you know of with that name. It's the only way we can keep our operations secure...

6) From now on Friday is casual Day. Short-sleeve fatigues and handguns instead of full gear and rifles are allowed.

5) I regret to inform you that I have to resign as your leader. Yasser Arafat and I have fallen madly in love and are running away to a tropical island together. -- OBL

4) We are still appealing the recent ruling that a hijacker's frequent flier miles are invalid for the flights that they hijack...

3) Ok enough kidding around, which one of you jokers painted a huge bullseye above the cave we were hiding in at Tora Bora? My ears are STILL ringing from all the bombs.

2) Here's the new plan...everyone blow up France!

1) The latest al-Queda apparel is online featuring our new slogan, 'The United States kicked my ass in Afghanistan and all I got was this lousy T-shirt'

If you liked this article check out more of Laurence's work at File 13's Amish Tech Support.