REUTERS: Missing Man's Body Found in Freezer

JAPANESE HOUSEWIFE IN AMERICAN-STYLE KITCHEN THAT WOULD GIVE MARTHA STEWART HOT FLASHES FOR A WEEK. SHE IS DRESSED IN A MANNER REMINISCENT OF CLASSIC-STYLE LUCILLE BALL.

HOUSEWIFE: I wonder where husband is hiding these five year?

OPENS FREEZER, HUSBAND FALLS OUT

FREEZER: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"
TOASTER: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"
BLENDER: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"
TOILET: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

HOUSEWIFE IS SHOCKED BY APPLIANCES SCREAMING, SCREAMS TOO.

HOUSEWIFE: Husband not tell me he go into freezer for five years! I very mad!

MIKE DITKA WALKS IN: That's not all that's wrong... look!

HOUSEWIFE: Miku Ditka! What could be worse than frozen husband?"

QUESTION MARKS RAIN FROM CEILING AND SPLASH ON FLOOR LIKE RAIN

MIKE DITKA: Your husband has freezer burn!

HOUSEWIFE: Freezer burn! Oh no! Freezer burn bad!

DANCING ANIME LIGHTNING-CAT: Freezer burn very bad!

HOUSEWIFE: What should I have do, Miku Ditka?

MIKE DITKA: You should have used Glad!

DISEMBODIED SMILING HEADS WITH PINWHEEL EYES AND COVERED WITH ICICLES FLY AROUND, CHANTING "Glad!"

GLAD SUDDENLY APPEARS IN HAND OF HOUSEWIFE ALA "I Dream of Jeannie" JUMP-CUT

HOUSEWIFE: Glad! I should have use Glad!

MIKE DITKA: Yes, You should have used Glad. Glad not only keeps your husband fresh, but it also protects from freezer burn.

DISEMBODIED HEADS ALL SHOUT "Stop Freezer Burn!" AND SHATTER

HOUSEWIFE: No more freezer burn! Domo arigato, Miku Ditka!

RIOT POLICE RUSH IN

POLICE: You're under arrest!

POLICE GRAB HOUSEWIFE

POLICE TRY TO GRAB MIKE DITKA, BUT HE BEGINS TO GLOW GREEN, SPECTACULAR DRAGONBALL-Z EFFECTS, BREATHES FIRE, AND THE POLICE ARE THROWN BACK BY PURPLE FLASHING SPARKS

MIKE DITKA: Don't get mad! Get Glad!

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