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Famous Last Words

Written By : John Hawkins
January 1, 2012

1) What do ya mean vampires aren’t afraid of onions?

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2) Amazons? Bah, they’re still just a bunch of girls….

3) You dozen barbarians got driven back by a few hundred goblins? Whew, I smell something, it’s the stink of defeat!

4) So you’re a God huh? If you are such a bad@ss, let’s see you kick my @ss tough guy!

5) So what if there’s 50 of ‘em? I don’t run from anything!

6) Hey how did you sneak behind that dragon?

7) Extra Arrows? Oh..I thought you were bringing those.

8) That’s Thor! The Thor? I heard he had a really kick@ss hammer. Let’s kill him and take it!

9) It’s just a flesh wound..hey what’s this stuff on the dart?

10) That kung fu stuff doesn’t work in a real fight. Take that Shaolin Monk over there for example….

11) So what if I don’t know what it does? I put the magical ring on. What’s the worst thing that can happen?

12) Whoooeee! You trolls smell like a garbage dump!

13) Sure I can pickpocket anyone and get away with it. Take that loopy looking barbarian over there for example….

14) Ouch, something pricked my finger when I opened that lock…

15) Oh yah, like you could actually hurt someone with that little knife….

16) I’m totally invulnerable to fire so I’ll take swim in that volcano just for the Hell of it…

17) You’re afraid to walk through the graveyard? HA! I’ll sleep their tonight just to prove what a wussy u really are!

18) Sure it’s supposed to be a haunted house but you wouldn’t believe how cheap it was!

19) You think you intimidate me just because you’re 9 ft tall?

20) Sure that cyclops is big but with one eye he has no depth perception. He doesn’t have a chance of hitting us with that giant club….

21) The Caverns of Doom? Sounds like a cakewalk.

22) So I stole the gem from the Dragon and got away clean…yah it was..hey did it get dark all of a sudden? Oh wait, that’s a shadow…

23) So you’re trapped in this wizard’s castle too? Wow lucky I ran into you. Here you walk behind me so I can protect you.

24) Ya sure I stay up and do guard duty..ya…well I could stay up all night long and..yawn..wow..well maybe a short nap couldn’t hurt….

25) So then I smacked Hercules upside the head and told him he better…oh you’re Hercules?

26) Nonsense, and even if there were any elven archers in these woods, they couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn.

27) I wonder what vegepygmies taste like…

28) So the harmless old man sprouts wings and horns? I shoot him.

29) Hey! Fatso! (We were fighting aboleths at the time, big squishyblob-fish monsters with mind control powers.)

30) It’s only a rabbit… (I know it’s not original, but hey, it’s funny anyway)

31) Y’know what? I think that guy Vecna is gay!

32) I attempt to disbelieve the dragon.

33) Can I get high off of brown mold?

34) Hey Jinx the incredibly strong Barbarian! Wanna rassle?

35) It’s only an illusion. See? I can put my whole hand in it’s mouth and it doesn’t do anything.

36) Let’s see, that’s 15 samurai, and 4 of us? Right. We can take’em!

37) No, that way is much too dangerous.

38) Oh yeah? Just try it and see what happens!

39) I don’t believe in fairies. ::clapping:: I don’t believe in fairies.::clapping:: Teehee! This is fun!

40) For the last time, Mindy the Unmerciful, I will not sleep with you under ANY circumstances.

41) Over my dead body.

42) Excuse me. Do you know who I am?

43) Hey guys! What did the mind flayers have to say?

44) Psst! Mr. Dragon! Have I got a deal for you! (especially true in Shadowrun)

45) Awww, how cuuuuute.

46) You mean he really was the mayor?

47) Paying taxes is for the weak.

48) What’s the matter baldy? Are you chicken? (I swear, those harmless old men are so deadly)

49) Whazaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahp! (The party killed him)

50) Sure we can sneak past that Raptor..he’s not even looking this way. Yeah, I’d always heard they traveled in packs too but go figure…

51) Tamur is watching the rear in case they try to sneak up on us, right Tamur. Uh…Tamur are you there?

52) Wowee look at the size of that giant! Well you know what they say, the bigger they are, the harder they fall!

53) Let’s try to communicate with it!

54) The wild flesh eating horses of Nehru? Excellent, I’m going to try to tame one of them and use him as a mount!

55) Yeah I’ll be right there…(whispers to friends) No need to follow me, I’ve got ‘em right where I want ‘em!

56) So the legends say the beast is indestrucible…big deal..legends are full of crap like that.

57) Hey no one talks to me like that!

58) Aha I figured out what he did with that healing potion! He put it in this bottle labeled poison to trick me! Well I’ll show him!

59) What do you mean there are a hundred Ogres outside of the house? There aren’t that many within a 1000 mile radius.

60) Ok, I drop my weapon, close my eyes, and walk up to the goblin so he can see that I’m friendly.

61) What do you mean the island we’re standing on is rising up out of the water?

62) Sure that brontasaurus is big but he’s totally non-agressive. Here watch I’ll stand behind him and poke him with my sword.

63) Oops!

64) Ya right…a slavering demon the size of a house is in that room. You must think I was born yesterday.

65) I worship Artemis so in a display of loyalty for my Goddess I moon Ares, God of war and then flip him off!

66) I have an incredible sense of direction so I don’t really see a point in making a map of the dungeon.

67) Ok, we’ll sneak into the castle the same way we did the last three times…..Hey, the door is wedged shut and the way we came in is stuck too.

68) Holy crap! This body has been mangled! The blood is still flowing too. I’d say he died within the last 10 minutes! Wow, I better go get a weapon!

69) Sure if I’m lying, I’m dying! Uh…what do you mean that ring you made me wear is a ring of truth? Why are you drawing your sword?

70) I stick my head in really quick and look around trying to figure out what was making that growling noise.

71) But that devil looked so sad stuck in the pentagram…I just erased a little of it..he said he was just going to the bathroom and would be right back. Oh wait I hear him coming down the hall now.

72) I already told you I don’t remember all of the magic words so I’ll just do the best I can and wing it for the rest.

73) Come on Loki, let’s not be bitter about those magical items I pillaged from your temple…let the past be the past.

74) You will obey me demon! Why are you smiling like that?

75) We should be to sneak past the vampire bats in the dark.

76) Medusa is coming around the corner? Lemmie see!

77) You guys run for it…I’ll hold off this horde of trolls.

78) For my third and final wish, I wish that I can never been hurt again.

79) DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR!!!

80) So what if I signed over my soul to you? If you want it, come and get it demon boy!

81) I’ll die before I talk.

82) That’s obviously not nightshade, it’s just a common weed. Here I’ll eat a little bit of it to prove it.

83) Or else what?

84) So what if you’re the king? Is that supposed to impress me?

85) I thought I saw something move in that strange, white, mist. I’m going to check it out.

86) Ok I’ll untie you but you better not try anything funny!

87) Snake Eater Tom? Hahahah. That’s a stupid name for an assassin! Makes you sound a little fey if you know what I mean…hahahah!

88) Oh yeah? What are you gonna do? Kill me?

89) I don’t need this crossbow to kill the likes of you…I’m going to finish you off with my bare hands!

90) Look I don’t care how big this “Mothra” is supposed to be. It’s a giant moth for God’s sake. How tough can it be?

91) Hahahah…all of you are powerless to stop me…bwahhahaha…uh…step away from that…

92) I’ll distract the dragon while you guys sneak in behind it….

93) What do you mean the spell has no effect?

94) I going to attempt to befriend the sabre toothed tiger. I offer it some of my rations.

95) Pay no attention to me and my friends..we are just illusions. The people you want went that way!

96) Oh I was supposed to be mapping the cavern? I thought you were doing that this time.

97) Hey don’t use that sort of language around me I think…oh…you said duck..I thought you said…

98) Geeze..well at least things can’t get any worse.

99) Let’s split up…you take the house..I’ll take the graveyard.

100) I open the “Book of Eternal, Horrifying, Death” and read the first page.

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