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Things Are Going to Change Around Here
by John Hawkins
Greetings Employees of D.O.L
As you know I have been promoted from a technician's position to head of tech support here at our ISP (DOL). After reviewing our procedures we will be making some changes to our current procedures in order to increase efficiency.
Here are the problems we have been having and the policy changes we will be making to address them...
1) People Away From Their Desks: We have been having a problem with people wandering away from their desks while the customers are waiting on hold. For example, last week when I was a technician I spent an average of an hour and a half a day in the breakroom, bathroom, and just farting around doing "research". This must stop. You will notice the chains that are now attached to your cubicles. They will be attached to your leg each morning when you come in to make sure that you won't be wandering around anymore.
2) Bathroom Breaks: People were wasting a lot of time with these so called "Bathroom Breaks". These were a waste of company time because everyone knows you should use the bathroom before you come to work. It's my personal feeling that bathroom breaks are a waste of time but the Labor Department likes to make themselves feel like big men by requiring that we allow you to use the bathrooms. Therefore you will each be given you own empty Gatorade bottle that will hearby be christened "pee jugs". If you need to do your business, do it there.
3) Overhead Savings: We are spending a lot of money in overhead. In order to cut down on the expenses our bathrooms have been closed (thank God for the pee jugs), and the Air conditioning and heating systems have been turned off. This will save us a lot of money. Some people have said that this may cause the working environment to be little less comfortable. All I can say is that we pay you a salary so cry me a F#$%^)* river you bunch of crybabies!
4) Dress Code: Make sure to dress appropriately, perhaps bringing a heavy sports coat during winter. During the summer you will just have to be hot since we have implemented a strict dress code. Long wool pants for men, long wool skirts for women. Heavy wool sweaters for women and highly starched dress shirts for men. Some of you may not agree with getting rid of our casual clothes but I read this article once by the chief financial officer of Packard Bell saying that he though it created a more business like environment and that technicians wearing suits acted more professionally. Before all of you email me to remind me that Packard Bell went out of business, I already know! But a good idea is a good idea!
5) Internet Usage: It has come to our attention that many of you are constantly surfing the net when you aren't on a call. I think you need to be reminded that this is a place of business and not playground for you to practice your foofernacle and hooberjuble. Rather than completely cut you off of the internet we did decide to be fair and give you access to a site I ran across yesterday and thought was very funny, The Alien Dance (this opens a new window, check it out =). Granted it was getting old for me after about 5 minutes but I have a short attention span. So I decided to have a permanently open browser on your desktop (with sound) playing The Alien Dance for your amusement! Feel free to thank me later.
6) New Business: As many of you have been aware, finding a new customers can be tough. But I've signed an exclusive contract that will enable us to increase our profits and even increase (theoretically of course) your pay. We have signed the B.A.D. website consortium to be exclusively hosted on our pages. As you may or may not know, B.A.D. stands for blind and deaf. All of B.A.D.'s users will be blind and deaf customers who can only communicate through braille. Then they use B.A.D.'s software to send an electronic voice out to a third party who will then relay the message to us. These users will be looking us for technical support. Although they may have some uh..let's just say "difficulties" communicating with us, we'll need to handle them quickly and efficiently. We have budgeted another 150 seconds per customer in talk time because of these customers special needs. Any time over that amount is of course wasteful on your part and will taken away from the time you get paid for.
7) Extended Hours: As some of you may have been aware we have been a bit short on staff and at times we may need some people to work overtime. Our old policy of asking "who'd like to stay late" has now been replaced with a policy of just not taking your chains off until we don't need you anymore. We realize this may cause scheduling difficulties for some of you so we've arranged to have a plate of steaming hot gruel delivered to your desks if you work at least 3 hours of overtime. Of course the cost of the gruel will be taken out of your pay.
8) Turnover: As some of you may know, our turnover has been quite high and we expect a large increase that may be caused by undisciplined employees not responding well to our new "procedures". Therefore, our new policy will be to tell your potential employers that call us for references that you were "fired after hacking into your supervisors account, stalking his 13 year old daughter, and then stealing a lot of computer equipment to top it off." Try getting another job now you losers...Bwahhahahahahaha!
Many of you may see these changes as extreme but they are actually for your own good. Even if they're not for your own good you'll never get another job so you'll have to stay here! Muhuhahahhaha. By the way I don't want to hear any crap about leaving us or being unhappy on the job..I just bought a ton of fire insurance and you'll be chained to your desks....talk smack..I DARE YOU.
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