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Kneecapping Barack Obama at every opportunity. | ||
WASHINGTON - Law enforcement officials were stunned recently after they urged the nation to be on the "highest alert possible", and they were informed that we already were. Soon after that, Secretary of Defense Don Rumsfeld ordered our nations military to go to "DefCon 1", the highest defense condition possible, and he too was informed that they already were at "DefCon 1".
Shocked that the nation had run out of higher alert status', F.B.I. director Robert Mueller and Secretary of Defense Don Rumsfeld phoned General Dirk K. Bartholomew who heads up NORAD in Colorado and asked him to redesign the DefCon system to accommodate more levels of alerts. The DefCon system currently has 5 levels, level 5 being complete peacetime, and level 1 meaning war.
"The 5 levels of the DefCon system just aren't enough," Said Secretary Rumsfeld, "With us going to a higher alert status almost daily, we'll need several more numbers."
At a press conference this morning, General Bartholomew unveiled his new DefCon plan. According to the General, NORAD (the North American Air Defense) will now have 1,027 DefCon levels.
"If we're at 'DefCon 1,027', that's complete peace." Says the General. "But my plan gives us hundreds of new levels to go on higher alert to. For example, if we're at 'DefCon 1,027', and we think that somebody might do something small, like rob a bank or t.p. a house, then we'll drop to 'DefCon 1,026'. Two or three banks get robbed, that's a 'DefCon 1,025', couple people get shot, 'DefCon 1,010' or so, and so on. See?"
The General responding to complaints that his new system had too many levels, said, "Look, under my plan, we can have 1,026 'higher alerts' before we run out. Now we've got 5. It just makes good sense. Plus, we'll never run out. 'DefCon 1' under my plan will now mean that a meteor big enough to wipe out the world is one hour away, so when we hit 'DefCon 1' it won't matter that we're out of numbers. I do this stuff for a living, trust me."
The new system went into place this morning, and so far the country is at a comfortable "DefCon 276".
"High, but not anywhere near running out of numbers yet, thank God," said the General.
If you liked this article, check out some more of Ian's work at One Brick Short.
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