Frank: Thanks for taking the time to talk to me. Can I call you Condi?

Rice: Uh... I guess. I'm a little confused here, I thought I was going to be talking to someone from a regular news organization. What are you? Like twelve?

Frank: I'll be twenty-four in June... and I am from a regular new organization. I'm from... CNN. Yeah, I'm Wolf Blitzer. I just shaved and dyed my hair for a new look. You like it.

Rice: I'll buy that... for now. Why are the lights so dim?

Frank: I thought it would make a better mood for an interview.

Rice: Is that Barry White I hear playing?

Frank: Just a little mood music. Why don't you take a sip of your wine and relax, Condi?

Rice: Turn up the lights and turn off the music... NOW!

Frank: Okay... okay... I guess I'll get to my questions. Let's see here...

Rice: You know, it's not very professional of you to have your questions written on... what is that you have your questions written on?

Frank: They're pages from my daily Dilbert calendar. The backs of them make great scrap paper.

Heh heh... Dogbert always cracks me up. Anyway, my first question: So, Condi, being the National Security Advisor of the President, do you advise the president on matters of security that are a national concern?

Rice: Yes.

Frank: On second thought, that questions wasn't as probing and insightful as I first believed it would be. So, next question: What do you think of today's military technology?

Rice: I think we have a huge technological advantage over our enemy. I mean they're a bunch of dumb turds with second hand AK-47's, and we have laser guided missiles that can fly through space. And, with our advance accuracy, we can avoid civilian casualties.

Frank: And it is the administration’s position to not kill children?

Rice: Yes, even the stupid smelly ones. That's why we have cruise missiles that can fly miles and miles and then accurately hit a target about the size of Michael Moore.

Frank: So why is Michael Moore still around.

Rice: He runs a lot faster than you'd think.

Frank: I see. I've heard you take a great interest in continuing advances in technology for America's military.

Rice: Yes, I demand a lot from our scientists and engineers. When I ask something to be done, I don't take "I can't" or "That's not possible in either classical or quantum physics" for an answer.

Frank: So what's one of your latest creations?

Rice: For our military, we need lots of computing power for simulations. We've now created a computer that can increase its speed by stealing computing power from its doppelganger in an alternate dimension.

Frank: Then won't there be a Condoleezza Rice in an alternate dimension extremely pissed by how her computing power is being sucked away?

Rice: Screw her! Obviously I thought of this first. Then again, if I know me, she would be plotting revenge.

Frank: One's greatest enemy is always themselves. Anyway, I sometime hear you referred to as Dr. Rice. What are you a doctor of?

Rice: I don't remember; I finished college some time ago. I'm pretty sure it's not the one where you operate on people.

Frank: So you never cut anyone open?

Rice: I didn't say that.

Frank: So let's see... what were my other questions...Heh heh, Wally is so lazy.

Rice: I am growing impatient.

Frank: What's it like working with Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld?

Rice: His warmongering is useful to me, but he is an old man, and I am the future. I have plans way beyond his.

Frank: What plans?

Rice: Nothing for you to know about.

Frank: You don't plan on becoming some supervillianess and then take over the world, do you?

Rice: No comment.

Frank: My God, I bet you already have a hollowed out volcano.

Rice: I don't like where these questions are going.

Frank: Can I help you come up with a supervillian name? How about "Dark Raven"?

Rice: Quiet.

Frank: Could I at least be one of your minions?

Rice: Maybe... just stop talking about this subject.

Frank: Alright, I had just one more thing, Condi. Have you ever thought about doing something to draw more interest in your administration?

Rice: Like what do you mean?

Frank: I was thinking a swimsuit calendar. Everyone loves swimsuit calendars.

Rice: I don't think that would be appropriate.

Frank: Come on. I got some swimsuits here for you to choose from and the camera is all ready.

Rice: I'm not comfortable with this.

Frank: Don't be so shy. You have a great body... (cough) (gag)

Rice: You touched my leg!

Frank: (gag) (cough)

Rice: Don't be such a baby; I barely collapsed your throat.

Frank: Anyway (cough) thanks for giving me your time. Perhaps we can (cough) do this again sometime.

Rice: Not if I get a restraining order first.

If you enjoyed this satirical interview by Frank J, you can see more of his work at IMAO.

© Copyright 2001-2010 John Hawkins
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