"A New York City lawyer has filed suit against the four big fast-food corporations, saying their fatty foods are responsible for his client’s obesity and related health problems.

Samuel Hirsch filed his lawsuit Wednesday at a New York state court in the Bronx, alleging that McDonald’s, Burger King, Wendy’s and KFC Corporation are irresponsible and deceptive in the posting of their nutritional information, that they need to offer healthier options on their menus, and that they create a de facto addiction in their consumers, particularly the poor and children." -- Fox News, July 25, 2002

When questioned by reporters who were skeptical of the suit Hirsch revealed their was more to the story.

"Four years ago my client was sitting in a park, eating some tofu and strawberries and minding his own business when a van owned by McDonald's pulled up. Immediately a huge purple beast known only as "Grimace" and a surly thug known as the "Hamburglar" accosted my client and forced him into a van. From that point on my client was strapped into a chair in the back of a McNuggets processing plant where he was forced to consume various types of fast food until he became grossly obese."

When Hirsch was questioned as to how his client Caesar Barber was "forced" to eat fast food, he told a chilling story.

"Imagine that you're locked in a room with nothing to eat but a bucket of chicken, a Big Mac, and a triple cheeseburger and you have the Hamburglar, a man who normally wears prison stripes threatening to make you his "burger bitch" unless you finish every bite. Trust me my friend, you will eat whatever they put in front of you."

At that point, Ceasar Barber stopped eating a Hershey bar long enough to relate some more details about his harrowing experience,

"At first I tried to resist but they were masters of manipulation. If I refused to eat, Grimace would sit on me and would threaten to "kill me deader than Dave Thomas" unless I ate another helping of fries. Then just when I couldn't take anymore punishment they'd bring in a porn star dressed like the little girl from the Wendy's commercials who told me she'd "lick the vanilla shake off of my chin" if I kept eating. There was just no way I could resist."

Barber then went back to shoveling Hershey bars and McChicken sandwiches into his mouth with both hands as his lawyer explained that there were other lawsuits on the way.

"My client has also been victimized by various other corporate interests. We're going to be suing Gold's Gym next week for failing to convince my client to exercise, Coca-Cola for not making a diet version of their soda that my client likes, Nike for not making running shoes that inspired my client to actually run, and Doritos for not making their Ranch Style chips taste like asphalt so my client wouldn't be tempted to eat bag after bag of them until he collapsed into a bloated heap on the floor."

At that point Barbed nodded in agreement with his lawyer and concluded the press conference by saying...

"Yeah, it's about time that some of these corporations started being held personally accountable for their **burp** actions."

© Copyright 2001-2010 John Hawkins
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