The self-proclaimed University “Beer Police” received an anonymous phone call at approximately 8:47pm on Friday night, the 14th, reporting an alleged “major” keg fraternity party several blocks away. Junior Accounting major Joshua Robbins first heard the allegations and quickly herded up his party patrolling pals to “check out the scene.” Several hours later, the Beer Police was in full swing as member Rocky Johnson declared atop a roof: “Honey let me arrest you for looking so good,” to an inebriated girl below. Johnson proceeded to dance like a chicken upon the request of his friends and later fell off of the roof into several rose bushes.

The Beer Police was founded when me and my friend Andy were shopping at the mall one day and saw this rad shirt in Gadzooks that said ‘Beer Police: You have the right to remain silent and watch me drink your beer,’” stated founder and Captain Timothy Vahn. “It was totally awesome because I already loved beer and I knew me and my friends could wear the shirts proudly around campus on any occasion.”

Other planned purchases of Tim and his friends include a ‘FBI: Female Body Inspector’ shirt and a ‘One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor’ windbreaker.

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