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The BKW Guide to Anti-Americanism
by John Hawkins
Greetings friends (and by friends I mean everyone but Americans)! BKW has
long been accused of being too pro-American and in order to refute these
scandalous charges we've decided to write a "Guide to Anti-Americanism." If
you've ever wanted to fit in at European Dinner Parties, Anti-globalism
protests, or at a Harvard faculty meeting this is an article you must read!
When in Doubt, Blame America: Since America is the root of all evil, you can be
assured that every bad thing that happens in your life is the result of
something America did. So for example, in the Winter Olympics when a French
ice skating judge conspired with a Russian judge to cheat a pair of Canadian
skaters out of a gold medal it made perfect sense that the Russians blamed
America. Even if America wasn't directly responsible for everything that
happened, they deserve to be blamed because they're bad, bad, people!
Treat America like a Communist Dictatorship: All good Anti-Americans
understand that the American government is to blame for America's actions,
not the American people despite the fact that the American people vote in
the government. Furthermore, we understand that despite the fact that
American newspapers, TV, and radio claim to be independent, the government
secretly controls them all in order to convince stupid Americans to carry
guns, vote for the death penalty, and to loathe berets.
You Should Visit America Once in Your Life: Now I know you're thinking "why
would I want to visit America? There's nothing there but a bunch of fat,
ignorant, hillbillies and cowboys amusing each other with fart jokes." True!
But once you've been to America once you can claim forever more to know all
about it because you've actually been there!
Gratitude Smatitude: Some people feel pangs of guilt about hating America
since Americans liberated their nation, brought Democracy to their country,
have given them billions in aid, etc. Don't be a sucker. America probably only
helped you so they could sell you more McDonald's hamburgers or so they
could tear up your national landmarks to drill for oil. Don't be fooled!
That Flag Waving is so Gauche: Nothing could be more annoying than a bunch
of flag waving Americans chanting USA, USA, USA. I mean have you ever
chanted France, France, France while eating escargot and caviar at a café?
Of course not! What a bunch of barbarians!
Denying Anti-Americanism: It's very important that you deny being
anti-American while ranting obsessively about how much you hate everything
and everyone in America. This drives Americans crazy! If they press you to
find something you like about America (Ha, ha! Yeah right) try to give them
a left-handed compliment like "American universities have many brilliant
professors who seem to understand America's oppressive role in the world. I
certainly admire them."
Empire America: It's very important to state the obvious fact that America
is trying to create an empire much like Rome...no..better yet, like Ghengis
Khahn did! That's why the Soviet Union had to invade so many countries, to
stop American imperialism and hegemony! Of course a lot of people don't
believe that but when the Canadians are made into slaves so they can build
the "Bush pyramids" I think the world will wake up!
American Ignorance: American's are appallingly ignorant of other nations and
worse yet, don't care! For example, ask an American who the Treasury Secretary
of Spain is? When they say "No clue. What difference does it make?" Hit them
with "There is no Treasury Secretary of Spain! It was a trick question and how
can you not care you stupid American? What are you, too busy waving your
stupid flag to pay attention? You Americans are morons!" Make sure to say
things like this on internet forums and chat rooms because American's tend
to watch too many John Wayne movies and think being insulted may be a good
reason to fight. Have I called them barbarians yet?
The Trojan Horse of American Kindness: It is vitally important not to let
America get away with what appear to be "good deeds." Take food drops in
Afghanistan. The Americans were obviously trying to lead people into mine
fields or kill them by squashing them with food packets. It was a clever
trick (for Americans, har, har, har) but we're on to you!
Congratulations! You've now learned everything you'll need to know about anti-Americanism. You can now wear your turtleneck, eat your quiche, and sneer at everything American with pride! Viva la Anti-Americanism!
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