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Anthrax? Did Someone Say Anthrax? Panic, Panic, Panic!

Written By : John Hawkins
January 1, 2012

In light of the recent panic over anthrax in the US, BKW has decided to get together with 3 ordinary citizens. Billy Harris who was on a flight that landed today because of an “anthrax” related scare. Dave Patterson owner of “Dave’s Furniture”. Also, Ellen Winters, concerned citizen. Let’s get started shall we?

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John Hawkins: So, is everyone ready to talk about anthrax?

Billy: Anthrax? OMG, where, where?

John Hawkins: There’s no anthrax actually…

Dave: OMG, two people said anthrax! If a third says anthrax then it’ll appear just like that guy from the Candyman movie!!

Ellen: IEIEIEEEEEE! You just said anthrax a third time!! Now it’ll appear!!!

Dave: You just said it a 4th time, we’re doomed for sure now!!

John Hawkins: WOAH! Slow down, slow down, there’s no anthrax here ok? I’m just going to ask you a few questions. There’s nothing to worry about. First of all, Bob. I heard that you were on a plane that immediately turned around and landed after someone opened a packet of sugar and poured it in their tea?

Billy: Yeah, we were scared out of our minds!

John Hawkins: By a packet of sugar?

Billy: It could of been anthrax.

John Hawkins: Uh..what made you think it was anthrax?

Billy: It was a white powdery substance.

John Hawkins: Sugar IS white and powdery.

Billy: I wasn’t willing to take that chance with people’s lives…

John Hawkins: IT WAS A F****** PACKET OF SUGAR! HE POURED IT IN HIS F****** TEA!

Billy: There is no use in taking any nutty risks with…

John Hawkins: SHUT UP! OH YOU’RE SO F****** PARANOID I CAN’T STAND IT! F*** YOU! ARHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHG…. (At this point we took a 15 minute break)

John Hawkins: Ok folks, things got a little out of hand there and I certainly hope you’ll except my apologies.

Billy: No problem Arch!

Ellen: Anyone could get upset with all this anthrax floating around.

Dave: You’re not kidding Ellen!

Billy: Yeah this anthrax is making me crazy too..

Ellen: It was just like I was telling my husband..

John Hawkins: OK, OK, let’s get back to business. I’m sure there’ll be lots of time for your paranoid rambling after we’re done. Now Dave I understand that you’ve stopped handling your mail..

Dave: Absolutely. I just don’t think it’s safe.

John Hawkins: Why is that Dave?

Dave: Well after Microsoft received a letter from their Maylaysian division that was infected with anthrax I knew it wasn’t safe.

John Hawkins: Ok..uhm..so “Dave’s Furniture” has a Maylaysian division?

Dave: No we don’t have a Maylaysian division. Why do you ask?

John Hawkins: Well I’m asking because I’m wondering why you’re afraid to open your mail?

Dave: Well after Microsoft got hit it was pretty obvious that the terrorists were going after leading businesses across America.

John Hawkins: Dave you have 1 store. You have 2 employees. You don’t even advertise. Anyone who didn’t live near your store wouldn’t even know you existed.

Dave: That makes sense but you never know.

John Hawkins: Dave, don’t you need to open your mail to run a business?

Dave: There’s no need to senselessly risk my life opening my mail.

John Hawkins: …

Dave: I mean if I want to risk my life I’ll go hang gliding, not do something really risky like opening my mail. In fact..

John Hawkins: DAVE, don’t ever speak in my presence again.

Dave: But..

John Hawkins: DAVE THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING. DON’T EVER SPEAK IN MY PRESENCE AGAIN!

Dave: …

John Hawkins: Deep breaths, I’m counting to 10 and letting my anger flow away, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Ok, Ellen I understand you’re very concerned about anthrax.

Ellen: Oh yes it’s horrible. People getting anthrax everywhere, it’s like the black plague back in Europe…

John Hawkins: Ellen..

Ellen: I bought a gas mask for me, my husband, both of my children, and my dog Foo Foo…

John Hawkins: Ellen a gas mask is totally useless because..

Ellen: I’ve known my doctor since I was 5 years old. I got him to give me a 6 month supply of Cipro for my whole family!

John Hawkins: Ellen, there is absolutely no reason for you to have Cipro. What you have to understand is…

Ellen: I didn’t let my children go out play today because I was afraid there was anthrax on the playground and..

Billy: Did you say anthrax?

Ellen: Why yes I did, it’s just an epidemic and..

John Hawkins: SHUT YOUR HOLES! BOTH OF YOU JUST SHUT UP! THERE IS NO EPIDEMIC!! ONLY 1 PERSON HAS DIED! 1! DID YOU HEAR ME 1!! I PASSED A WRECK ON THE WAY IN HERE FOR THIS INTERVIEW THAT KILLED 3 PEOPLE! THAT’S MORE THAT THE WHOLE ANTHRAX “EPIDEMIC” YOU MORONS! THERE ARE ALREADY PEOPLE WHO’VE GONE BACK TO WORK AFTER GETTING ANTHRAX. YOU’RE OUT OF YOUR GOURDS!!!

Ellen: So are you saying that there won’t be anymore attacks and that no one else will die?

John Hawkins: No I’m not..

Billy: So anthrax really couldn’t be dangerous if someone sprayed it out of a cropduster?

John Hawkins: Well it would be dangerous..

Ellen: A cropduster, where?!?!

Dave: A CROPDUSTER!! NOOOOOOOOO!

John Hawkins: There isn’t a cropduster in the..

Billy: OH GOD, RUN BEFORE THE CROPDUSTER GETS HERE!!

Ellen: EIEIEIEIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

John Hawkins: WE’RE INSIDE YOU IDIOTS!

Billy: Oh…

Ellen: I forgot we were inside..

John Hawkins: HOW CAN YOU FORGET THAT YOU’RE INSIDE A BUILDING?! OH I HATE YOU!! I HATE YOU ALL!!!! ARGHGHGGHGHGHGHGGH!!! THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!! GET OUT!!!! GET OUT!!!!!

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