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Animal Control Fighting Smurf Infestation

Written By : John Hawkins
January 1, 2012

DENVER, CO– The Animal Control Office is having a particularly difficult time this year with Smurfs in the mile-high city. Harsh conditions in the Fall have forced the normally reclusive creatures into town where they comb parks, and residents’ garbage, looking for mushrooms and other sources of food.

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Animal control officer Geoff Sturgess and police officer Tom Brantley inspect the strange blue creature caught downtown.

“These blue critters will wander in looking for food, but many end up on the side of the road,” said Animal Control Officer Geoff Sturgess. “They get hit by SUVs, trucks or other vehicles. They just don’t have any comprehension of how dangerous the road is.”

State highway crews have no reports of numbers, but Smurf roadkills are frequent. Estimates are hard to obtain as people will often peel the lifeless Smurf corpses off of the roads and highways, and sell them to collectors who have them stuffed, and resell them on Ebay.

City officials are doing all they can to reduce the numbers of Smurfs roaming the city streets.

“We’ve been setting traps to catch them and then release them back into the wild,” said officer Sturgess. “Once they get a taste of the garbage bin at Taco Bell, they’ll just keep coming back. We want to get them before they get to that state. We wouldn’t be able to tell if they’re choking.”

Smurfs were first introduced into the Rocky Mountains several years ago as children abandoned Smurf “pets”, imported from Belgium, after they lost popularity. Although unconfirmed, it is said they are all descended from one Smurfette, perhaps a queen. Enough of these abandoned Smurfs survived to form simple tribes and reproduce–humping like horny blue rabbits some say–away from human civilization. But often, the fierce Colorado winters force these unusual critters to return to the cities, seeking food, or their former owners.

“I thought I got rid of the thing two summers ago,” said one father. “Little Ashley was no longer feeding it or cleaning out the cage, and I sure wasn’t about to start, so I took it out–since it were too big to flush–and let it go, oh about 15 minutes past city limits. I figured the coyotes would get it for sure. I mean, they’re so soft and fuzzy–not the coyotes. How could they possibly survive in the wild? Them Smurfs I mean.”

“But then it showed up at our front door two weeks ago,” continued the father, “with three friends. Four of these little blue creatures, no more than two-and-a-half apples high. I recognized Ashley’s right away. It was dirtier and had an ugly scar running down it’s face, but other than that it seemed pretty healthy. It asked for some food, ‘foodsmurf’, I think it called it. Well, I know better than to encourage that sort of thing, so I grabbed my rifle and got a few shots in. It was only rock salt, but I may have got one–they were running away pretty fast.”

The Animal Control Office warns people people should be careful of disposing of Smurfs, Cabbage Patch dolls, or Little Ponies, as they tend to become attached to their owners. Other measures should be used to prevent their return.

“Cats are good at discouraging Smurfs,” said Sturgess. “They have a fear of cats, and people dressed in black. I don’t know why.”

“I’ll keep tracking these things til I’m blue in the face,” continued Sturgess. “I don’t hate the furry little things, but there is something unnatural about them. It wigs me out. They belong somewhere else–like Canada.”

Hikers have reported hearing faint smurf singing in the mountains, but no Smurfs have been spotted outside of the city thus far. And rumours of Chinese poachers have surfaced–the Smurfs’ organs are treasured and are said to be worth a great deal on the black (and blue) markets. The city is looking into legalizing Smurf hunting, and so far there have been no objections from any activist groups.

Check out the Toque for more funny articles like this one.

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