America’s Military: Our First Defense Against The Baby Menace
A few months ago Anonymous decided to give up a promising career as a layabout and chronicler of wacky hijinks for an opportunity to become a translator in the military. I recently asked him write up an article about his basic training and this is what he sent me. I’m sure that after you read this you’ll feel very comfortable knowing that we may nuke North Korea one day based on translations that anonymous feeds to our government.
I am an American Soldier, a protector of the greatest nation on earth, sworn to uphold the Constitution of the United States.: – First Article of the Soldiers’ Code
War is real. That’s one of the harsh realities that I as an American Soldier have to deal with. It’s not pretty and it’s not nice. No matter what the soggy hearted liberals want to believe, it is a simple fact that some things are inevitable in war. We as soldiers have to make on-the-spot decisions which will determine the fate of the free world, and while we may not always like our job we NEVER regret the choices we make for the good of our country. We as soldiers sometimes have to act outside of the normal bounds of morality in order that we may preserve the greater good, we have to make the hard decisions out there when our own lives and the lives of our buddies are in danger. When I look to my left and see Tommy’s face missing, and I look to my right and see that the fight has left Jake in a helpless state of shock, I have to know in my heart that I have what it takes to hop out of that foxhole and engage the enemy. I have to have what it takes to storm over the side of that playpen, grab the little devil by his face and smash his brains in with the butt of my rifle. That’s good soldiering.
I’m not saying babies are dangerous but I’d be lying if I let you believe that they are just innocent casualties in a war they have nothing to do with. They’ve got everything to do with it. The monsters. Babies are a threat to American forces abroad. That’s why the Army has trained me to function on the dynamic field of modern combat. I am an Army of One, equipped with the most advanced training techniques and technologies known to man. I am an Army of One, a juggernaut of baby murdering might and fury, armed with sophisticated weaponry like the M4 Incendiary Grenade. An Incendiary Grenade is typically used to destroy equipment so that it cannot be utilized by opposition forces, hot enough to melt steel this device is an effective addition to the gear of an American Soldier in the field. Ruining our equipment isn’t the only use for the M4 though, in a pinch it can be tossed into a cradle wherein it will quite literally vaporize the enemy. Our versatility is just another way we win wars. Explosives help too. Hoohah!
The Army trained us to kill anything and everything but it really didn’t focus in on our real enemy, the baby. In bayonet assault training we were briefed on the killing of babies, but we weren’t really given the opportunity to work with baby sized targets. They taught us to “parry”, “slash” and “thrust” but not once were we told to “baby-thrust.” God knows we should have at the very least done that. We have some of the best equipment in the world but one thing we need that we don’t have is the modified bayonet blade designed to kill babies more efficiently. Okay, it probably seems pretty direct… the pointy end pokes until it stops squirming. That’s the wrong answer. We need longer blades with sloped edges so we can scoop and stab at the same time without bending over and exposing ourselves to their vicious grab and hold reflexes. Baby-THRUST!!
Our uniforms are green, brown and black, which is just fine and good if you’re wading through the vegetation of a sweltering third world jungle, but what dreadful camouflage for the purpose I have in mind. Soft pastels would be far better suited to blending into the decorations adorning most nurseries and maternity wards. Non-detection is the key to any serious low-profile operation. For more specialized combat environments we could adorn ourselves with duckies, choo-choo’s, or teddy bears as deemed necessary by the mission. Perhaps even tiny felt pads under the soles of our boots so as not to alert the enemy as we steal towards it’s wind-up swing in 3 to 5 second rushes. I’m up, he sees me, I’m down!
They’re cunning, but they fall easy prey to tricks and traps. Easily fooled opponents are easily killed, but don’t get cocky, you never know when they might catch you off guard and no one wants to have to tell your loved ones that you won’t be coming home. If you want to kill babies you can’t just outwardly do the deed, you’ve got to be shifty. You have to appeal to their raw animal instincts without alerting them to your motives. That’s why, when I’m approaching the enemy with the pacifier fastened on the flash suppressor of my M16 assault rifle, I make sure to hum a little lullaby to calm his senses…. then I strike, slowly positioning the “binky” at the corner of his mouth. He can’t resist, he is drawn to it, the succulent rubber nipple stimulates him… I pull the trigger just as his little lips latch on to the cleverly disguised barrel. BANG! No more baby.
I’ve never seen combat but I’ve always fancied myself something of an innovator, that’s why when we were preparing for our most recent field training exercise I brought additional gear. That’s right… James, Chloe and precious little Jennifer. 23 month old James assisted in the deployment of the claymore mine, 15 month old Chloe served as a demonstrator during our hand to hand demonstration and without little Jennifer we’d have never known if the NBC (Nuclear Biological Chemical) environment was safe for the removal of our protective masks.
Kicking and screaming, that’s how they go down. Many of them are too young to walk but I guarantee not a one of them is too young to kill. That’s why I’m here, to keep you safe from the overwhelming threat posed by infants, toddlers, children, and their inscrutable mothers withered with poverty and sharpened by hate. I am an American Soldier, and this is why I am.
Disclaimer: This article in no way reflects the views or practices of the United States Army in regards to the killing of babies. We are not trained to kill babies, nor does our government actively support the killing of babies. This isn’t to say babies don’t accidentally die, because they do and it should be pointed out that we’re not the ones doing it… really. — Anonymous
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Editor’s note: The following is a guest post by Ben Stein. Stein is a writer, actor, economist, and lawyer living