|
Political Humor
Lefties
The Right Wing News Guide To Rain Forests: Since we here at RWN have gotten a bad rap because of our "rabid anti-tree-hugger stance"," I decided to punch up a guide to the rain forests. Come all you babes in swaddling out there and suckle at the teat of knowledge.
The Bono Interview: Today we're fortunate enough to have an interview with Bono, the lead singer of U2. Of course Bono is world famous for singing songs like "Where
the Streets Have No Name", "Desire", "I Still
Haven't Found What I'm Looking For", and too many other songs
to mention. These days Bono is as famous for his efforts to fight
world poverty as he is for his singing. He's recently met with
everyone from Kofi Annan, to Jessie Helms, to even George W. Bush.
So how did a rock star become perhaps the world's foremost champion
of the poor? That's what RWN wanted to find out (**wink, wink**)...
Politically Correct Fairy Tales: Are you sick and tired of those "conservative" fairy tales? Are you an American liberal or someone from Europe who thinks those fairy tales teach values that no longer need to be promoted in today's world? Well, RWN is coming to your rescue with our book of "Politically Correct Fairy Tales!"
Fan Mail: Why Is Your Website So Violent?: RWN loves it's fans! Even our fans that ask moronic questions! Even the hippies who I personally suspect are eating granola and hugging trees as they write their emails...
RWN Hates You! Die Faster Please (**Updated**)!: We've updated with 20 more people, places, and things we hate. While venting my rage at the annoying is quite satisfying, it's certainly not politically correct. So if you get easily upset at strong opinions you might want to avoid this article because I stomped a mudhole in some people's @sses and walked it dry....
Legal
The Top 10 Changes That Could Be Made To Operation TIPS: Hell, I actually LIKE Operation TIPS. Most of the complaints about it are way overblown. It's really nothing but a giant 'Neighborhood Watch' program. Still, funny is funny and this is funny =)
Fast Food Restaurants Sued For Making Man Unhealthy: "A New York City lawyer has filed suit against the four big fast-food corporations, saying their fatty foods are responsible for his client’s obesity and related health problems." Fox News, July 25, 2002
When questioned by reporters who were skeptical of the suit Hirsch revealed their was more to the story.
"Four years ago my client was sitting in a park, eating some tofu and strawberries and minding his own business when a van owned by McDonald's pulled up. Immediately a huge purple beast known only as "Grimace" and a surly thug known as the "Hamburglar" accosted my client and forced him into a van.
(cont)
Constitution Ruled Unconstitutional: Today the Federal Appeals Court in San Francisco ruled that the Constitution itself was unconstitutional because the phrase "year of our Lord" was used in Article Seven. Therefore, the court ruled that instead of the Constitution, the United States would in the future be governed by a combination of the principles set forth in the Sylvester Stallone movie "Judge Dread", the lyrics of Beatles songs, and some notes the San Francisco Court jotted down on cocktail napkins. (Cont)
Introducing The Acme Chastity Belt: Are you a practicing Catholic with children? Do you want your children to grow up with the benefits of a strong, lasting, faith that can comfort them in times of trial and yet do you fear that your children will be pawed like a cheap hooker by your priest? Have you noticed that your priest's gaze seems to "linger" a little bit too long on the kids? Has your priest been moved to three different churches in the last four years because of "personal reasons"? (Cont)
The Brass Knuckles Guide to the American Lawyer (Epluribus Scumsuckingus iceheartedess sobness): Inspired by the Crocodile Hunter and a bunch of nameless nature shows I saw at the beach this week-end, I decided to write up a profile of one of North America's most dangerous animals, the lawyer.
Politics
A Frank Guide to Homeland Security Alert Levels By Frank J: Everyone has heard of the Homeland Security Advisory System by now and its rainbow of colors, but most are confused of exactly what it means to them about how they should act and live when it is at its different levels of alert. That's why I've decided to create this guide make things clearer to the people.
First, here is what the alert levels mean in general:
- Green (Low): All evil had been destroyed. The world is now a peaceful utopia.
- Blue (Guarded): There's still the occasional pickpocket, so show a little caution.
- Yellow (Elevated): Terror lurks in the shadows; be wary.
- Orange (High): The terrorists are out there and they are coming for YOU!
- Red (Severe): The world is exploding around you. The only law is your own gun. (Cont)
 Constant 'Joke' Calls From White House Putting Further Strain On Relations Between US And UN: WASHINGTON, DC -- Sources have revealed that the rash of prank calls to the UN have finally been traced to the White House. Administration insiders have revealed that President Bush and Donald Rumsfield have been gathering in the Oval Office late at night to harass members of the UN, and have fun at their expense. A recording of one of the conversations has recently been released (Cont).
An Interview With Condi Rice By Frank J.: This is the biggest coup RWN has ever pulled! Step aside Steyn, Hanson, and Horowitz, Frank J. has gotten RWN an interview with none other than Condi Rice herself...ehr, so he says! Read and enjoy! (Cont)
Third Parties Raise Unrealistic Expectations in Wake of Democratic Defeat: I don't know why I haven't punched up something on the third parties yet, but Dan Killian does a good job of it in this piece of satire.
Federal Government Assures Remaining Population Will Be Obese By End Of Decade: Here's a totally unrelated story about why I hate Ronald Mcdonald. When I was seven years old, I broke my leg playing football. I was laid up in traction for six weeks. As you can imagine, I was totally and utterly miserable. So one day, I'm laying there in the hospital, hating life and stupid kid next to me who kept me up all night because he was playing with some noisy toy until like 3 in the morning and my mother shows up. She says, "John, you have a special visitor outside who's visiting sick kids. You're going to love it!" Well I get all jacked up trying to figure out who this is. Could it be my favorite football player, Franco Harris? Woah -- maybe it was Willie Mays or Muhammad Ali! Holy moly -- I was so jazzed! Then, who should walk in but Ronald McDonald. I was so bitterly disappointed that I was ready to cry and I actually snapped at Ronald for making me a balloon animal. Since then, I've hated that vile clown with a passion and I still do. Now on to the humor article....
Gore's Theme for 2004 -- 'You People Are Idiots': Scott Ott makes a brilliant point with this piece of satire. Gore just said in Time that "the president's economic agenda is "catastrophic," his foreign policy "horrible," his environmental stance "immoral." Yet, Bush has a 68% approval rating and the American people just handed Bush's party control of the Senate. So either Al Gore is WAY off base or the American public has got to be a bunch of idiots to be voting for someone Gore is making sound like Jimmy Carter redux -- except worse.
BREAKING NEWS -- 15 Year-Old Wins Write-In Campaign For Florida Governorship: When this finally happens one day I won't be the least bit surprised.
Bush Sets Great Fitness Example: My favorite part of this article is,
"In certain cities in America, everybody owns running shoes, but nobody actually runs. In certain villages in Kenya, nobody owns running shoes, but everybody runs -- especially when someone shouts, 'Lion!'"
INS Disbands, Splits Into Two Agencies: Splitting the INS in 1/2 is a great idea! Now they can screw things up twice as fast!
The Top 10 Least Popular Things Tom Daschle Could Say: Tom Daschle has recently been hit with withering criticism for ripping the Bush administration's handling of the "War on Terrorism" and suggesting that the Bush tax cut be repealed. Since Daschle is apparently looking for lousy ideas to push we figured we'd try to help him out with the top 10 least popular things Tom Daschle could say...
Democrats And Press Say 'Kmartgate' Will Be Bigger Than Enron: Kmart filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy today and Democrats quickly lined up to make a political issue out of Kmart's troubles.
Senator Joe Lieberman was quoted as saying "This is a very serious situation. People are going to lose their jobs and their pensions. Because this is a serious situation we have to ask the question that's on everyone's minds: How did the Bush administration cause Kmart's collapse?" (Cont)
The Republican's Translation Guide: What Are Democrats Really Saying?: Have you ever noticed that famous Democrats like Bill Clinton, Ted Kennedy, and Jessie Jackson seem to lie all the time? Well they're not really lying! You just need to learn to speak Democrat. That's why RWN created this handy, dandy, translation guide so you can understand what Democrats actually mean.
President Bush Has Been Nominated For A Nobel Peace Prize: President Bush's staff was delighted to learn that he was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize in recognition for his fight against terrorism. However, they spent much of day responding to critics who claimed George Bush didn't deserve a nomination for the world's most prestigious peace prize while he was simultaneously prosecuting a world wide war against terrorism.
The Top 14 Reasons Airport Managers Are Crying Foul Over New Regulations: Airport managers are crying foul over so-called ineffective stricter guidelines for the handling of airports, passengers, and baggage. Why? # 14) Federally sanctioned breast groping isn't all it's cracked up to be. (Cont)
The Top 10 Things You Don't Want To See or Hear on an Airplane by Hadez and Super Unleaded, 12345: Hadez did most of the work on this one and posted it in our forums. SU and 12345 made some contributions to this one as well. I thought it was funny enough to post.
Surgeon General Announces 'Operation Reverse Psychology': I have to wonder if the tobacco industry is already doing this. Have you seen the 'tobacco is wacko' commercials? What about those "the truth" ads? Every time I see the irritating kids in these commercials annoying people in the lobby of a tobacco building or yammering on about ammonia I just want to smack them. I also have to wonder if a bunch of nerdy kids planting flags in 'poop' is going to convince anyone to stop smoking. Anyway, enjoy the article...
The History Of These United States...: One Brick Short News is back with the history of the United States as written by high school students. It's nice to see that Ian Wolff and company are writing again. Make sure to check out their homepage when you finish reading the article.
Fast Food Restaurants Sued For Making Man Unhealthy: "A New York City lawyer has filed suit against the four big fast-food corporations, saying their fatty foods are responsible for his client’s obesity and related health problems." Fox News, July 25, 2002
When questioned by reporters who were skeptical of the suit Hirsch revealed their was more to the story.
"Four years ago my client was sitting in a park, eating some tofu and strawberries and minding his own business when a van owned by McDonald's pulled up. Immediately a huge purple beast known only as "Grimace" and a surly thug known as the "Hamburglar" accosted my client and forced him into a van. (cont)
This Week In the News: This is a new feature I'm experimenting with. I'll take news events from across the web and I'll use my keen intellect that's been sharpened on cats, lawyers,and the French to give you insights into the news that you'd never get from shows like "Yo! MTV Raps!" or "Southpark" or whatever other crapy shows you hippies watch when you aren't snorting turpentine or putting sulphuric acid squares under your tongues. Look for the news article and my commentary after it...
The Republican's Translation Guide: What Are Democrats Really Saying?: Have you ever noticed that famous Democrats like Bill Clinton, Ted Kennedy, and Jessie Jackson seem to lie all the time? Well they're not really lying! You just need to learn to speak Democrat. That's why RWN created this handy, dandy, translation guide so you can understand what Democrats actually mean.
The World
A Pictorial Guide To The 'Axis Of Weasels': Last week, I put up Scott Ott's 'Axis of Weasels' article. Since then I'm sure many of you have wondered how you can tell a French weasel from a German weasel. Well, never fear, because RWN is here to help!
Exclusive Interview: Chirac Advises Bush How to Avoid War: Shortly after his exclusive interview with Time Magazine, French President Jacques Chirac sat down in the Elysee Palace for an even more exclusive session with an unnamed ScrappleFace editor.
Here are key excerpts of that interview:
Why is France shirking its military responsibilities to its oldest ally? Ally? Which ally?
To the United States...your ally for more than 230 years....located several thousand miles to the west of Paris. Ah, oui...We don't like to think of it as shirking our responsibilities to the U.S., but rather as keeping our responsibilities to our ally, the Republic of Iraq. France is obviously not anti-American, we are simply pro-Iraqi. Of course, we don't like Saddam Hussein, and we wish he would go away. But we think this goal can be reached without starting a war. We currently have a program to deal with that -- it's called "souhait sur une étoile." (Cont)
 French PM: 'It's Great to Be Collaborating with Germany Again!': Paris, France -- French Prime Minister Jacques Chirac, in honor of France's agreement with Germany to undermine America's efforts in the War on Terror, took German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder on a tour of sites in the French capital city that were visited by another German Chancellor, Adolf Hitler, during his famous Victory Tour of 1940. (Cont)
Survivor: Islamic Law: You know what the ironic thing about this article is? If they really put this show together it would be the #1 show of the season....
The Translation Guide For Middle Eastern Dictators: Have you ever actually listened to Yasser Arafat or Saddam Hussein talk about something? You try to follow what they're saying but it's just "Zionists this", "The Great Satan that", and "hegemony here there and yonder." Most people just have no idea what they're trying to get across. But as always, RWN comes to the rescue with a translation guide to explain it all!
The Top 10 Things Heard An The United Nations Commission On Human Rights Since Moammar Gadaffi Took Over: Libyan leader Colonel Gadaffi is to head an international watchdog on human rights. Libya is to be elected chair of the United Nations Commission on Human Rights - despite its links with terrorism and torture. -- Sky News
5) New Gadaffi kitchen policy: when you drink the last cup of coffee either start a new pot or be killed.
Canadian Man Mildly Offended That America Isn't Threatening To Invade Canada: Isn't having the United States say that you're "no threat" sort of like a friend of yours who asks you to "hang out" with his girlfriend while he's gone because he knows she'd "never go for someone like you?"
French Army to Market 'Ultimate Surrender' Video Game: I don't know why I didn't think of this. Could there be any game out there that says "FRANCE" like "Ultimate Surrender?"
The RWN Guide To Anti-Americanism: Greetings friends (and by friends I mean everyone but Americans)! RWN has
long been accused of being too pro-American and in order to refute these
scandalous charges we've decided to write a "Guide to Anti-Americanism." If
you've ever wanted to fit in at European Dinner Parties, Anti-globalism
protests, or at a Harvard faculty meeting this is a report you must read! (cont)
Europe Shocked As Its Citizens Exhibit Human Nature: BERLIN — The assassination of the right-wing Dutch politician Pim Fortuyn and a series of mass shootings at a German school and at legislatures in Switzerland and France have shaken the European notion that such incidents can happen only in America.
Europeans have always assured themselves that, though not as predictable as Canadians, or as lobotomized as Singaporeans, they are at least not like psychotic, gun-toting, bloodthirsty, violence-loving, warmongering, child-eating Americans. (Cont) =)
The Top 21 National Slogans: Slogans like "Land of the Free, Home Of the Brave" and "France Surrenders" have been long been envied by other nations that aren't clever enough to come up with slogans that are catchy enough to stick. But never fear, RWN is here to help with 21 slogans for nations that are "slogan impaired."
The Canadian Menace: Cold and merciless as their national sport, one has to wonder if the Canadians are eyeing American territory. Read this article and make your own decisions.
Harumph, Harumph, England is P*ssed Off: I got an email today (yes really) from someone claiming to be the press secretary for the English House of Commons. He was all hot and bothered over yesterday's article "US Government Press Release: Rumor Control on Europe." I considered letting Newbie God write the response but I felt this was a situation that called for a personal touch. Yes, when the going gets tough, only the diplomatic gifts of the man known by the Chinese government as "The US Ambassador of Whoop @ss" can save the day.
US Government Press Release: Rumor Control on Europe: We here at Brass Knuckles Interviews are pleased to bring our readers the following press release that was sent out by the US government this afternoon. I think anyone reading this will realize that there's no reason for New Chicago..ehr I mean Paris and the rest of Europe to worry.
An Open Letter to China: I did hear some comments in the forums and in my email that my comments yesterday regarding China were a bit too strong. Read the following comments and make your own call...
The 1st Annual Countries of the World Banquet and Roast by Ian Wolff: Making fun of other countries and RWN go together like Jet Li and savage beatings. That's why I knew this piece by Ian Wolff fit in perfectly, like a hand grenade into a cat or a lawyer.
The Right Wing News Guide to the World: In an effort to insult, annoy and generally p*ss off people from every corner of the globe, we've doubled the size of our famous "Brass Knuckles Guide to the World". Please send your angry emails in English you b@stards =P
Canadian Fan Mail: RWN loves our fans eh! That's why we like to post our fan mail along with a response every so often. Keep those emails coming eh!
|
