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Kneecapping Barack Obama at every opportunity. | ||
RWN's Guide To Raising Your Dog: Everybody who has been reading RWN for any significant amount time knows that I love dogs. I've explained why they're better pets than cats, brought you the day in the life of a puppy, featured an Amazing Japanese Dog Translator, and I even explained how puppies could help us win the war on terrorism.
But now, after publishing our award winning, acclaimed, useful, reviled Guide to Childcare, we here at RWN thought it would be a great idea to publish a guide to raising your dog based on how I've raised my half-Jack Russell Terrier, Patton.
ALF Mix-Up Ends In Feline Tragedy: The guys from The Wired Press contributed this fine article about "Alf". I thought it was a nice change of pace from our usual political humor, bitter sarcasm, and savaging of the rest of the planet.
Animal Control Fighting Smurf Infestation: I was trying to cut a deal with the Toque to do an article exchange in order to drum up more traffic for both of our sites. They didn't want to trade articles but they gave permission to print this one. Since I thought it was funny, I figured what the heck?
Cats or Dogs? Which is the Better Pet?: A highly, rational, logical evaluation of which pet you should choose, Cats or Dogs.
Woman Speaks To Cat Like It Was A Human Being: Fargo, North Dakota — 39 year old divorcee Laura Bingham had a discussion with her cat today about her recent breakup with her boyfriend -- as if he could understand what she was talking about.
"Brandon was such a jerk. I mean he never considered what I wanted, it always all about fulfilling Brandon's needs. Did he ever think that I might like to pick out what movie we went too or what type of food we ordered in once in a while?"
In response to Laura's question, Scratch stared vacantly at the wall and then began to lick his paw, completely unaware that his mistress had been addressing him. (cont)
A Day In The Life Of A Puppy: The gripping story of an ordinary puppy who's assigned to hunt down Osama Bin Laden and take him out before he strikes again...or actually just a day in the life of an orginary puppy or something.
Tasmanian Devils. Man's New Best Friend?: Enjoy this article on a wonderful new option for those of you out there look for an exotic pet. ;)
The Amazing Japanese Dog Translator: We here at Brass Knuckles Interviews believe in letting our readers know about the newest technological advancements and this certainly qualifies. Have you ever wanted to know what your dog is thinking? Have you ever wondered why he's chasing his own tail or licking his butt? Well now's your chance to find out with this wonderful, new, Japanese invention.
Fake Interview: DragonBall Z by Ozrael: Inspired by my making fun of DBZ a while back, Ozrael whipped up a fake interview. Whether you've seen DBZ or not you'll get the gist of the show in Oz's interview =] It's hella funny....
Interview w/ Britney Spears By Ozrael: Brittany Spears huh? She's cute but not "that cute". Why everyone thinks she's that incredibly gorgeous baffles me. I had 25 girls in the high school I went to that looked as good as her. And people rave about her chest like she's Dolly Parton. That's just weird. Not that she's flat but she's not that big either. Anyways, enough pondering the Brittany Spears phenomenon..read Oz's fake interview with her.
Interview: Archfiends Co-Worker Chris by Ozrael: Another fake interview from Ozrael..and to think I thought this one would suck. I mentioned to Ozrael that I had one co-worker who hates all of his stuff and he was immediately off to write a fake interview. Who'd think an interview with someone no one's ever heard of would be so funny? Anyway, today is Chris's last day where we work, he has terminal brain cancer and has had to quit so I'm sure he'll appreciate this special goodbye from Ozrael (Editor's Note: Ok, ok, ok, brain cancer, found a higher paying job, whatever...)
Interview w/ The Creator of Pokémon by Ozrael from the Electric Reel: Ok, ok, it's parody..but it's good parody =] Ozrael is doing some good work with these fake interviews. First Satan and now Pokemon (makes mental not to self to start writing fake interviews and claim I came up with idea originally). His page the Electric Reel is back up and running after a long vacation hiatus, so check out the link to the Electric Reel after we finish the article.
Interview with Satan by Ozrael: The stuff Oz comes up with keeps getting better and better. Oz has done an interview with the Prince of Darkness Himself, Satan. It's really funny although in RL I think Satan would kick Oz's arse =] (you'll see what I mean)
The Top 10 Biggest Lies Told On The Internet: Ah...the internet! Seductive and sweet like...well...something seductive and sweet. Yet, really like something not seductive and sweet..at all! It's all just one big electronic house of lies and RWN is bringing you the worst of them for your amusement! Unless that's a lie too and this is really just a bunch of picture of that GOATSE.CX guy! Or could my assertion that this is really just pictures of that GOATSE.CX guy in and of itself be a craftily constructed lie? Don't click on the link to find out! Or am I lying and therefore actually do want you to click on the link to find out? It's all a Pandora's box of deceit, jibber-jabber, and hibblety gibblety!
Things Are Going to Change Around Here: I work for an internet service provider and I've long fantasized about the best way to serve my corporate masters if I was ever put in charge. I have put into words exactly the changes I'd make right here.
The Brass Knuckles Webzine Guide to IRC: Ah the sweet joys of Internet Relay Chat. Learn everything you need to know in order to haplessly waste your time stumbling around IRC.
The Guide to Annoying People Via ICQ: I spend an unusual amount of time on ICQ. I work at an ISP so I'm usually on all day. Then when I get home, since I have a cable modem, my ICQ is running pretty much all night as well whether I'm there or not. Well, I finally hit the limit on the number of stewpid, chobo, messages I could take in one day and this rant almost wrote itself.
How to Spam a Gaming Forum: Key hints on pissing off people who enjoy gaming forums. If you are in hurry and want to learn how to spam, just do step #10.
Superhero Wanted By Ozrael: Are you a bored millionaire playboy? An evolutionarily deviant offshoot from humanity? A time traveler from the future armed with a deadly plethora of high-tech weaponry? A Norse God fallen to Earth in mortal form destined to return gloriously to the halls of Valhalla? A genetically engineered super-soldier? Perhaps you are a demon who has turned on his dark masters? The proud owner of 60 foot tall exo-skeleton equipped with tactical nuclear warheads and bio-armor plating? An alien from another planet? Are you imbued with magical powers? The sole surviving member of your clan, entrusted with the ancient arts of your people and mystical katana that glows with the souls of your ancestors? Are you a super-genius turned super-human by your own botched experiment? An escaped cyborg prototype? A robot able to take the form of a sportscar or large truck? A powerful interdimensional psychic vampire? Do you need a job? If you said yes, then we have the job for you. The Town Council of Oxford Pennsylvania has voted to secure, for the protection of our community, a superhero. (Cont)
The Top 10 Worst Excuses For Not Updating RWN: I came up with the idea for this because it was 1:30 AM and I still hadn't thought of anything to update the page with. Keep in mind that I was planning to go to sleep at 12:30. Man I'm too tired to even finish writing the intro...yawn...
The Top 10 Questions RWN Will Probably Never Get To Ask Celebrities: we've done a lot of interviews here at RWN but there some celebrities we'll probably never get a chance to interview. But we sure do have some nifty questions ready to ask them if we ever get the chance. Read the top 10 questions RWN will probably never get to ask celebrities...
Famous Last Words by John Hawkins and SMIH: I added 25 more of these. That puts us up to a 100 total. 76-100 are the new ones...enjoy
The Journal of an Angsty Teen by Ozrael: D@mn I really liked this one...It's original, edgey, and Hella funny. This one is unusually funny...
Canterbury Tales Assignment: Ozrael has given me another one of the papers he actually turned in at school and has asked me to grade it. My brain is still throbbing after reading this swill and I have decided that when I have kids they will never be allowed to look at the internet just so they can avoid ever having to read the horror of this long poem by Oz. In order to allow other people to read this poem without committing seppuku I have added my comments in red that may hopefully make it somewhat bearable.
Stress Kills: Ozrael wanted me to post this actual paper he turned in for high school on the page. I agreed but I felt that the paper would not be complete without having me grade his paper. Check out my comments in red =)
TheLordGodCarpets.com: What if God created a website and no one knew about it?
46-Year Old Astronomer Discovers Universe At Least 46 Years Old: Although RWN has taken some forays into science with our report on Japanese Dog Translators, our discussion of new animal species, and our coverage of the hottest new drugs on the market, we feel that we need to do more to educate the young skulls full of mush that visit our page. That's why we've posted this article on astronomy for your enjoyment and edification.
Don't Get Mad About Prom Queens Abandoning Infants...Get Glad!: Mike Ditka is back with another important public service anouncement/Glad commercial. If you have a friend who plans to dump her baby in a dumpster during her prom this an article you can't afford to miss!
Non-American Countries Gather for Quadrennial World Cup Wimpfest: An article about that soccer thing the rest of the world is doing somewhere or another in the world.
Glad Wrap Commercial: Draft Version #21: I absolutely loved this article...but I loved it in an odd way. Much the same sort of way that I loved Andy Kaufman's humor and some of Ozrael's weirder stuff....
Contact By Ian Wolff: Why does anyone think aliens would want to talk to us? I mean I don't even want to talk to the French and I'm a human. I can imagine what the aliens think.
Zokrom by Ian Wolff: For allergy relief you can depend upon, try new Zokrom! Of course, Zokrom isn’t for everyone, so please check with your doctor first. Side effects may include one or more of the following: Brain hemorrhage, exploding colon, massive kidney failure, complete renal shutdown.
Beer Police Score Huge Bust: The Fine Folks at "The Management" contributed this article to RWN. If you like the article, pay them back with a visit to their page.
Microsoft Announces AE 1.0 Software for Jetliners: I could of sworn I actually saw an article about Microsoft making software for jets but I couldn't find it anywhere when I searched for it so I'm assuming it was just a hallucination caused by sleep deprivation. Thanks to Mike Rotch for sending this article and the pics in. I did some editing and added a few things but he did most of the heavy lifting.
Flip A Towel By Klaus Varley: A funny yet disturbing look at linen from Klaus Varley. Until today I used one towel per week to dry off after I got out of the shower. I suppose as long as it's not ANOTHER MAN'S towel I'm fine. You'll see what I mean after you read the article...
Quoting Yoda To Be A Federal Crime by Ian Wolff: People who quote Star Trek can be annoying but the Lord of the Rings freaks make them look tame. All I heard at work all week was "It's 5 days, 4 hours, and 11 minutes until Lord of the Rings comes out!!!! I heard it's the best movie ever made!!" I didn't even like the original book and I personally think Tolkien is way over rated as a writer. In fact, Bored of the Rings by Nation Lampoon was much more entertaining than the original book.
The Titanic Iceberg Confesses by Ian Wolff: Titanic was a horrible, excruciating movie that made me want to eat bags of glass until the pain stopped. Sure the special effects were cool but it was pure agony watching Leo Dicaprio make boyish passes at ultra annoying Kate Winslett for an hour and forty five minutes before anything happened. How this movie made Grand Canyon sized piles of cash is a bigger mystery than how the pyramids were built.
Man Tries To Decide If Waiting Outside A Theater For Three Days To See 'Attack Of The Clones' Is Worth It?: RWN presents a humor article that could of been ripped right out of the headline section of your local paper since 'Attack of the Clones' opened today.
Man Is Bitterly Disappointed By 'Wishmaster 3': This is a case of art imitating life because I did rent 'Wishmaster 3' this week-end and it did really bite monkey balls. I mean maybe it's just me but parts 1 and 2 were great. I also caught 'The One' this week-end and that was fantastic. Of course, that's neither here nor there and it has nothing to do with the description of this article.
The Southerners Guide to Snow: The skies over Charlotte, N.C. vomited forth a huge white milkshake of snow last night and today. Everything was closed around here. Banks, schools, businesses, etc. Some people think that's unbelievable considering that we had only 6-10 inches of snow but you have to understand how winter weather works in the South. Read this article and you'll see what I mean.
The RWN Real-Estate Sale: After being a webmaster for two years I've learned one thing. Being a webmaster sucks! You write day and night to please a bunch of cheap, pimple faced, techno-geeks who spend all day playing Everquest and all night watching Monty Python movies. Do they ever tell any of their friends about RWN? No way! They're too busy pretending they're one of the "Knights that say Ni" or a "Jedi Knight" or whatever it is you nerds like to do (I don't mean you, I mean everyone else reading the page). So screw this webmaster stuff, I'm getting into real-estate!
RWN's Video Rental Guide: Looking for an escape from the endless misery of married life? Do you need a break from playing Quake 3 so long that your hands are gnarled stumps? Well then, RWN is here to help with our Video Reviews! John Hawkins himself reviews some of the hottest (by hottest we mean the oldest, stupidest, and most idiotic) movies out there!
Letters From Our Fans: RWN loves to get a response from our adoring fans although I'd love to drive right over some of these people the same way I did that deer last Wednesday. Read this article and you will pity me for having to reply to these degenerates.
The RWN Idiot Test: 10 of my pet peeves all rolled up into one vicious, little quiz. This is one test you'll want to score a hundred on...
Marry Me Jennifer!!!: I need your help!!! Jennifer Layton is willing to marry me...if I can get a million hits on this article!!! After you read the article, help me out by posting the link on your web pages, emailing your friends about it, sending out ICQ, AIM, ODIGO, MSN, and Instant Messenger Links to everyone you know!! Help me finally get the girl of my dreams (or help me with this cheap publicity stunt..whichever ya like best)!!!! If ya like the page give me a helping hand here and spread the word =]
Right Wing News Needs Women: I've checked out the results of our survey and to be frank..chicks don't dig us =P But no worries...I've come up with a brillant plan to turn RWN into the biggest online chick magnet since "Redbook" or "Better Homes and Gardens" or whatever it is women read when they aren't pregnant or cooking stuff.
Fan Mail: I recently got a P.O. Box for the page and posted it on the web page. Today I checked it for the first time and got my first letter from one of our readers...so I thought.
John Hawkins's Guide to Child Care: The First Two Months: Who better to teach dopey parents how to handle their children than a bachelor without kids named John Hawkins?
John Hawkins's Guide to Child Care Age 2 months - 1 Years: More words of wisdom from one of America's preeminent childcare experts. Learn and enjoy my friends =)
The Necromancer Diary (The Rogue Encampment): This is the Prequel to the Kurast story that came out last week. The original piece (The Necromancer Diary: Kurast) was written as a stand alone story but it drew so much traffic and so many people asked for the story to be continued, that I wrote up another episode. It is Diablo 2 fan fiction but it stands on it's own well enough for people to understand even if they don't play the game. Even if you don't read the crap that usually passes for fan fiction, check this out, I'll think you enjoy it. Also, look for part 2 this week-end.
The Necromancer Diary (Lut Gholein): The tale of the nameless necromancer hunting down the Lord of the Underworld continues with this humorous piece of Diablo 2 fanfiction. Whether you are a Diablo 2 player or not, you should be able to follow the story...so enjoy...AF.
The Necromancer Diary (Kurast): This is a short piece of Diablo 2 fan fiction I wrote. I think it should translate well enough that even if you don't play D2 you should be able to get it.
The Necromancer Diary (The Pandemonium Fortress): Yes our super nifty, humorous, Diablo 2 fan fiction series continues with chapter 4. Although this is Diablo 2 fan fiction you should be able to read this and follow along even if you don't play the game.
The Top 10 Worst Pick-Up Lines For Geeks: All the sexiest lines to try out on women you have no interest in whatsoever...
The Top 10 Worst Things You Can Say on a First Date Part 3: This is a true story. A girl I used to know named Stephanie went on a blind double date. The very moment she arrived she decided she didn't like her date and so she spent the rest of the night PRETENDING TO BE DEAF! The date took hours and eventually her date figured out she was faking it. You can imagine how that poor b@stard felt. She also thought she was psychic and was engaged to a guy that treated her like a steaming pile of horse dung. None of this is really relevant but I couldn't think of a decent opener for the article so this will have to do.
The Top 10 Worst Things You Can Say on a First Date Part 2: This is part 2 of the most popular article we've ever had on RWN. Thanks for all the Farker help in putting this one together....
The Top 10 Worst Things You Can Say on a First Date: Ah, the nervous tension of the first date. Usually when it's over the question isn't "how much did you like the other person", it's "did you hate the other person so much that you never want to see their face again or could you stand a second date?" If they said anything on this list the answer would be a definite "I hate you for setting me up with that loser, jerkface, man-pig!!!"
Things to remember when dating geeks, nerds, dorks, and various other socially challenged guys by SailorMercury is Hot: SMIH is back with another article on dating computer geeks. Many of our male readers may be saying "I'm not a geek so it doesn't apply to me." Trust me, you are a geek. Many of you females may be thinking, "Yeah, geek guys right. Like they're good in bed." But they are, didn't u see those "Revenge of the Nerds movies"? That proved it!
Pre-Relationship Agreement by Hyde: This is soooo funny =] Make sure to show this to your significant other when you finish reading it.
Advice for the Lovelorn by Capn Plank: I've got several pretty good reader contributions and this is one of them. This is twisted humor at it's finest. Enjoy the Capn's work...
If Your Girlfriend is a Vegetarian by Scarloc DB: I laughed out loud when I read this piece by Scarloc DB about him and his vegetarian girlfriend.
The Woman's Translation Guide: What Are Men Really Saying? The Taliban translation guide was so popular I thought I should branch out into other fields. Men across the world are going to be furious at me for making this public but I feel I have an obligation to do the right thing for RWN's 4 female readers (Hi Minka, Nano, Mary and Kitty). So without further ado, here is RWN's "male translation guide".
The Man's Translation Guide: What Are Women Really Saying by John Hawkins and Yusuken: This is the companion article for "The Woman's Translation Guide: What Are Men Really Saying?" I would say more about it but it's 1:30 and I need to get some sleep before my brain locks up and I get as flighty and emotional as a woman while I'm talking about this article. =D
The Translation Guide For Tech Support: If you've ever wondered to join the few, the proud, and the geeky in tech support this is your opportunity to get the inside knowledge that will make you a top level tech.
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