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Solutions: Michelle Obama Proposes Vegetable Offsets for School Lunch Detractors

Written By : Warner Todd Huston
October 3, 2012

First lady Michelle Obama has been under fire since interfering in school lunches, but through the power of her husband’s control over the Department of Education, she has come up with a solution. Kids who don’t want to eat the veggies in their school lunches can buy new “Vegetable Offsets” from the DOE.

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Teens are supposed to be fed up to 2400 calories a day, and new government standards say that a lunch may not contain more than 850 calories. But the new school lunches stocked with vegetables and other “healthy” choices have been thoroughly hated by kids across the country and waste has become a problem as kids would rather throw away the bland, less-filling meals than eat them.

School authorities in Tavares, Florida are even threatening to put in “garbage cams” to take video of offending children throwing away the unwanted school meals. No word has been released on what punishments will be meted out to offending students caught throwing away their veggies.

In another case, kids in Kansas went so far as to create a video that went viral. The song’s refrain is “we are hungry.”

But in a ceremony in the Rose Garden Michelle Obama unveiled a new program to give kids a way to skip eating their veggies if they must. The First Lady calls her new program “Vegetable Offsets.”

With her new program kids can buy lunch credits from the DOE. Those kids that don’t want vegetables can pay a “fee” to the government so that they don’t have to eat their veggies. A fine will be assessed those kids who run out of “vegetable offsets” yet are still caught throwing away their veggies.

Punishments will include withholding of diplomas, exclusion from extra curricular activities, and mandatory work details on Obama’s election campaigns.

Critics argue that such a draconian program will hurt kid’s future employment prospects but Obama counters that the federal government has plenty of welfare programs for those “unfortunates” that can’t get middle class jobs so no one should worry.

“Stupid, short-sighted, Fat kids that refuse to listen to me will be able to go on food stamps when they get older and the we can really control their lives,” the First Lady said.

Obama said the new program will be implemented as soon as her husband wins reelection.

“I’ve never been proud of this country, but now I can be at last,” Michelle said.

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