Some disreputable people have suggested that Right Wing News is for the ‘war on terrorism’ or that we’re ‘biased against liberals.’ What scandalous accusations! The truth is that we here at Right Wing News view ourselves as a ‘fair and balanced’ publication — just like ‘Arab News’ or ‘The Guardian’! But talk is cheap! That’s why we decided to write ‘The Quick And Dirty Leftists Guide To Arguing Against The War On Terrorism’ to prove RWN’s good intentions. Here are the key arguments lefties across the planet can use against those warmongering, oil guzzling, baby-killers on the right who are gungho about the ‘war on terrorism’!
Bush Should Have Stopped It — But Not That Way!: Instead of focusing on what we should do now, claim that Bush could have stopped 9/11 before it happened by aggressively going after the terrorists pre-911. Then reflexively oppose every suggestion the Bush administration comes up with to prevent another attack because it will create a “police state.” This one drives right-wingers crazy!!
How Can We Invade Saddam When He Used To Be Our Friend?: We must force these right-wing zealots to realize that relationships between nations are NEVER allowed to change. Since we were friends with Saddam in the eighties, it was hypocritical of us to kick him out of Kuwait and keep him from annexing Saudi Arabia. Even if he hates us now, is acquiring nukes, and has ties to terrorists we still can’t attack him — for some reason or another. I think there is a UN rule against attacking former friends for any reason or something.
If We Preemptively Attack Iraq — Everyone Will Do It!: The United States could be setting a dangerous precedent here since no other nation has ever attacked another nation “preemptively.” Wait a second, if that was true, shouldn’t we always be at peace since no nation has ever attacked another nation except in self-defense? So that’s Bush’s evil plan, to spoil world peace!
Insist That We Give Inspections A Chance: No one believes Saddam is going to actually allow unfettered inspections but we know from a decade of experience that he can literally run the inspectors around in circles for years. The more time Saddam wastes, the closer he gets to a nuclear bomb he can use to stop Bush’s filthy war!
It’s About The Ordinary People: The most important reason you are against the war is because you care about the innocent people in Iraq. That’s why you’re so strongly against replacing the dictator who has starved, gassed, tortured, and oppressed so many of his own people — you may not want to phrase it exactly like that, but you get the idea.
Keep Moving That Goalpost: If the pro-war crowd starts beating you up too much because you won’t support war under any circumstances, say that you are willing to use force.. A) As soon as Al-Queda is destroyed, B) the Israeli/Palestinian conflict is over C) Afghanistan is a strong and stable Democracy D) Against Iran E) Against Pakistan F) Against Saudi Arabia G) If inspections fail (again) H) Once the whole world agrees with us…etc. It really doesn’t matter what you come up with here because the purpose is to delay things endlessly. Even if your condition were met, you would simply change the conditions you’d need to meet your goal.
Never Admit That You Are Helping Terrorists And Dictators: Act offended if anyone claims you are helping dictators and terrorists by opposing killing, capturing, or hindering them in any significant way. Sure that may be the actual RESULT of doing what you’re suggesting, but INTENTIONS, not results, are what have to be considered.
Pretend To Be Offended When You’re Accused Of Anti-Semitism: Just because you call Palestinian terrorists “freedom fighters”, condemn every Israeli attempt to defend itself from terrorist attacks, believe Jews control the US media and government, and think a land dispute is an adequate reason for blowing up women and children at a bus stop (as long as they’re Jews), does not make you anti-semitic. No matter how obvious your anti-semitism is, it doesn’t count unless you ADMIT that you’re anti-semitic.
Remember Who The Real Enemies Are: Obviously, George Bush and America are to blame for the ‘war on terrorism.’ You should certainly never blame nations like Iraq, Iran, Syria, Lebanon, or the ‘Disputed Territories’, etc, for actually sponsoring terrorist groups that have no real purpose other than to murder innocent people.
Show Me Osama’s Corpse: Even though we haven’t heard from Osama Bin Laden since the United States bombed the area he was in into blood, sand, and rubble, you must insist that the ‘war on terrorism’ is a failure since we don’t have him in hand. Sure we haven’t heard a thing from him in nine and half months but he’s probably just laying low! The best thing about this one is that since Osama was probably blown into a fine red mist at Tora Bora, the Bush administration will never be able to ‘prove’ that he’s dead. This means you can’t ever be proven ‘wrong’ when you claim that he’s still alive.
Solutions? Uh….: When pressed for solutions it’s a good idea to mumble incoherently, or just say, “I don’t know what we should do, but I know war isn’t the answer!!!” If you’re really pressed you can suggest that America should give more aid to the poor, that one never gets old.
Tell Those ‘Chickenhawks’ What For: Demand that anyone who is pro-war sign up for the military because only people who are willing to risk their lives in combat have a right to advocate going to war. If they counter with “well if you believe that, then you should go to Iraq and throw yourself on one of Saddam’s bunkers so you can be a ‘human shield’” either quickly change the subject or say that you detest Saddam (despite the fact that you are firmly against any attempt at removing him from power).
There’s No Reason To Bomb Saddam!: Just because Hussein is a psychopathic dictator who gassed the Iranians and his own people, fought against the United States, tried to assassinate a US President, has massive stockpiles of WMD, is seeking nukes, and has ties to terrorists doesn’t mean he’s dangerous. In fact, we have no evidence that the global terrorist network is still a threat at all…except for 9/11 and all the other attacks across the world since then.
War For Oil!: This war isn’t really about terrorism or weapons of mass destruction, it’s about oil like every big war America fought in during the last century! Well…except for WW1, WW2, Vietnam, and Korea… but the Gulf War was all about oil! Of course, Iraq only supplies 2.1% of America’s oil and Afghanistan doesn’t supply any…but “everyone” says it’s about oil so it must be somehow or another!
We’ll Destabilize the Middle-East: It’s common knowledge that the ‘Arab Street’ will immediately overthrow their leaders if Muslims are harmed anywhere across the world, no matter what the reason may be. Of course, we’ve gotten off lucky so far since the ‘Arab Street’ didn’t erupt when Israel bombed an Iraqi nuke site, when Israel invaded Lebanon, when Israel ‘invaded’ the “disputed territories” about 500 times, when Reagan bombed Libya, when the US invaded Iraq, when the Serbs were slaughtering Bosnian Muslims, when the US invaded Afghanistan, when the US bombed through Ramadan, etc, etc. But this time the ‘Arab Street’ is REALLY SERIOUS!!!
Congratulations! You’ve now learned everything you’ll need to know to smash those favoring AmeriKKKan imperialism and hegemony!